Short Story Long

"New" Blog(s)!

2010-11-08T10:24:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I am a little bit of a blogging maniac. If you are someone who happens to stumble on this blog and want to read more... well, I probably won't be posting here (unless I have some sort of a rant that doesn't fit in anywhere else.)

I do post in other places, though..... so go to these and become followers, if you haven't already.

My newest blogging venture is Look Nook. This is going to mostly be artsy stuff, less about me, per se.

I also contribute to Just For Scuz (under my alter-ego Anita Rackow).

And Adventures in a Tiny Kitchen is sort of on hiatus but might come back when I move into my new apartment in Brooklyn.

Also, I wanted to update the formatting of this blog and AIATK, and things were all wacky. So that's why now it looks like this and I don't like it very much. Blerg.

Just For Scuz

2009-11-03T15:15:00.001-05:00

In celebration of NaBloPoMo, I am posting all of my thoughts in Just for Scuz. See link to the right for the month of November if you want to know what I am thinking about.

Posts I can't seem to finish:

2009-10-27T17:55:00.002-04:00

I know I said the reason why I haven't written anything is because I have nothing interesting to say. Well, I am a very interesting person, and it turns out it is less about having nothing to say and more about having things to say but being incapable of writing complete posts about them. I am going to steal a little trick from 2 Birds, 1 Blog and write a post about the posts I can't seem to complete. Here they are:

(1) Am I a robot? Lately, I've been wondering if maybe I am a robot. When I used to work at the place that sucked out my soul and spit it out into a cold abyss called Boston in the winter, I was never allowed to interact with people. This I found to be quite boggling considering normally I am fairly social and most people seem to like me. I used to joke that I was a robot and could only communicate with people over email or with computer programs. Now, it seems Google thinks I am a robot. I won't deny the fact I have about 3000 email addresses with gmail. What can I say, I am one of those people who thinks of a good email address and so I sign up and take it before anyone else can. I also tend to sign up for website alerts and instead of putting in my real email address, I make one up especially for the occassion. I know, I might be insane... but the question isn't my sanity, it's whether or not I am indeed a real person. More recently, Google has denied me opening new email accounts for weeks at a time, because as it tells me, "The answers you have given are very similar to spam robots and therefor we are cutting you off." Okay, Googs doesn't really say that, but that's what they meant when I got the error message. I admit, Google McGoogley has some valid points. All of my email addresses have the same password and verification question answers, which does seem suspicious. I also have a lot of trouble with that goofy looking jumble of letters that you are supposed to type (correctly) into the field in order to authenticate your answers. Does anyone else find those troublesome? The letters are all squiggly and I'm telling you, b's could be b's, or they could be a combination of an l and an o. How do you tell the difference? I can't be the only one with this problem.

(2)Miley Cyrus. Okay, Hannah Montana, I am not a big fan. A few months back (maybe more than a few), Miley appeared on the cover of Glamour magazine and this was honestly the first time I really became irked by her. First of all, she was way too young to be on a women's magazine such as Glamour. She is a child star produced by the Disney Channel and she cannot be taken seriously until she leaves the world of Disney and at least moves up into ABC Family. Hello. Second, she's one of those people who I look at and just don't like her face. Miley, if you are reading this, I am not calling you ugly nor do I want you to develop low self-esteem. I realize you are still in your formative years. However, I just don't like the expression on your face. It's a combination of "aw shucks" and confusion. I hope you grow out of it. Third, and last point in the Anti-Miley tirade this is becoming, what the heck is with that Party in the USA song. Since it is on the radio pretty much every second of the day, I have been forced to listen to it regularly. I get that it is a catchy tune, but why is it called Party in the USA? My understanding of the lyrics is that it is about a girl (cough-Miley-cough) who lives in Nashville and goes to LA (to escalate her music career? Fame? To get out of the Disney shadow? The reasons aren't clarified although we can guess at the options). Upon arriving, she is nervous and butterflies are flying around in her stomach, but fortunately, she hears a familiar song on the radio and feels more comfortable and can let loose and dance around. Okay, cute. But, can I remind everyone here that yes, she is in the USA, and yes she is partying (in the car, in the club, etc). But.... she is an American citizen. She came from Nashville (also part of the USA) and is now in LA. It's not like she is a foreigner and it's her first time in the US. This one little detail annoys me. Also, does anyone else kind of want to say to Miley Cyrus.... maybe you don't belong? Sorry, kid, go back to Nashville and the Disney Channel and stay out of my local radio stations, dumb song and all.

(3) "I've got a crush"--- since I've spent most of my afternoons with high schoolers, I've started picking up their lingo. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, except that the rest of my day needs to be spent writing incredibly smart, concise, and informative cover letters that clarify why a prospective employer should hire me. The issue is that after you've spent an afternoon with a JV field hockey team, not only are you tired when you get home and need to lay on the couch and watch two hours of Dancing with the Stars (with your mom) while eating handfuls of special dark chocolate hershey kisses, you also cannot form proper sentences. In fact, I can't even count the number of times I've wished I could use the phrase "I've got a crush" in my cover letters. It works out so nicely and so perfectly explains how I am feeling. For instance, "I've got a crush on the Slow Food Movement. I've had it ever since I read Animal Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and the September 2008 National Geographic. For this reason, I would love to be part of Slow Food USA in the role of the Special Assistant to the President." I mean, if you think about it, having a crush on something is the perfect expression of blind adoration that every employer should be looking for in future employees, am I right or am I right?

(4) After reading a really stupid Yahoo! article on inconclusive scientific research, I wrote the beginning of a fake news article:

Scientists do research, No conclusions drawn
EVERYWHERE, THE UNIVERSE- It has recently come to the awareness of the Associated press that all across the universe, scientists are out there doing research but no relevant conclusions have been concluded as of this date.

I think we all can see why that one fizzled.

Well, that's it from me. Hopefully I will be able to come up with some complete posts for your entertainment at a later date.

Woah

2009-10-14T10:27:00.002-04:00

So, I haven't written in this in a while, largely because I have nothing interesting to say. I know, I know, when has that ever stopped me in the past? But, aside from getting into daily fights with Comcast about the equipment I have yet to return (I'm trying to get them to cover shipping to a payment center, meanwhile I am holding my cable box and remote hostage), nothing is really going on.

Except that fairly random people are finding my blog. I love that. You know, this started out as a blog almost no one knew about, then my mom found it and sent it to all of her friends, and now my blog is famous. If you do a google searches about various topics like cargo pants, you will get my blog. If you input, "Horatio Caine vs. Chuck Norris," my post is the VERY FIRST RESULT. How cool is that?

Clearly, I am awesome and I write about topics people want to read about.

In other random news, there are two new video clips on the right hand side of this website. How did they get there? That wasn't the kind of question I normally ask and then answer myself. I really want to know. The only one I posted was the one with Miss Piggy roller skating through Central Park. Now there are two other muppet related youtubes hanging out with Miss P. I love muppets, so I am not going to remove them, but seriously, how did that happen? Did someone hack in and add more youtubes? Did youtube take it upon itself to add more content to my blog? I am boggled.

Also, if you are a new reader to this blog because you stumbled upon it accidently, don't read the most recent posts-- they are dullsville. Skip ahead (or skip back?) to some of the earlier ones.

That's it from me today-- catch ya on the flip side.

Etsy

2009-08-18T17:08:00.002-04:00

Several months, 5 usernames, and 10 gmail addresses later, I finally set up my etsy account, for real. I think this one is going to stick because I really like the logo I came up with for it.

Of course, I have nothing for sale but I have about 7 pending designs that can be made with random stuff in my apartment, so I feel pretty good about it. Here's the link to my site if you want to check it out:

www.auroradesignstudio.etsy.com

(You might need to copy and paste that into your browser; I am having trouble with links).

Off the subject--- since I don't have access to internet in my apartment and I don't have a job (aka free internet all day long), I have to go to various places that offer free wifi to check my email etc. On Sunday I walked over to Breugger's for this very purpose. Since I feel bad just walking in and stealing internet, I usually get a coffee. I went up to the counter and made a spontaneous decision to get a chicken salad sandwich and a lemonade. I go to pay, and the guy at the register is like, "Chicken salad and lemonade, I know who you are."

First off, I don't even know what that means. Is there a certain person who orders a chicken salad sandwich and a lemonade and am I that person?

Next, it comes out to be like $7.01. But, I only have a $10, so I hand it over. He asks me if I have a penny; I don't. Then he said, well, maybe I can spare a penny for you. So I smile and say, isn't there a "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray somewhere? while looking around. He says, "My pocket." So I say, "Don't worry about it. I can always use change." He ends up giving me $3-- he covered the penny because I have a nice smile. My thoughts are to that-- Good to know my smile is only worth 1 penny and bizarrely, this isn't the first time I have had a weird exchange with a sandwich maker.

Today, I am in an Au Bon Pain (I like to switch it up and I also didn't feel like dealing with whoever might be making sandwiches at Breugger's), and the people here are chatty kathys. Here I am, trying to check my email, update my blog, set up my etsy site and everyone is chit chatting like they've known each other for years. In addition-- 3 of the people have lived in Rochester at one point (hence the bonding). So, instead of doing my things, I am eavesdropping on what they are talking about. Blah. Plus, I don't really want to leave because that would mean hopping through the crowd of talkers since they keep pulling tables and chairs over so they can be best friends with eachother in less than an hour.

No news on the job search.

P.S.

2009-07-31T16:41:00.003-04:00

If anyone has ever had to sit through an exit interview and the situation is such that you are being terminated.... it pretty much sucks. You basically have an HR doofus (I know, it is not his fault he has the worst job in the universe) reading a letter aloud to you about how you lost your job and you better be nice to "The Company" and he knows this is confusing but "we" just have to get through it together.

My thoughts on that are:

(1) I can read
(2) I don't think this is confusing
(3) If you think this is confusing, maybe I should be the one doing your job
(4) I am not an idiot
(5) Stop looking at me like you feel bad for me. I feel bad for you, because you have to run this pointless meeting about how I no longer work here.

To make the 20 minutes go by even faster... I decided to make the meeting as awkward and as uncomfortable as possible.

When he said: Do you understand you need to turn in all property and information you have on "The Company" by the end of the day?
I said: The only property I have is my ID (here it is) but the information is in my head... soooo, I am not sure what you want me to do.

When he said: Do you know what COBRA is?
And after I explained it perfectly succinctly,
he said: Okay, well it sounds like you know exactly what COBRA is! But, let me just read this aloud to you anyway so we make sure this part is covered.

When he said: Can I verify this is your current address?
I said: Yes, until August 30. After that I am homeless.

AWESOME. I love being laid off. Except for the fact I don't get my severence check for 10 days. 10 MORE DAYS until I can apply for my Australia Visa. (Yes, it is still on the table. It is just waylaid until I get that check, unless I get a job in the meantime).

Wait for it... wait for it...

2009-07-31T15:36:00.003-04:00

I finally got contacted about a job. And it wasn't just any job.... it was the one I called my Dream Job (in a previous post but I am way too lazy to link to that right now. If you are reading this and there is a link, then I can pat myself on the back for getting over the fact I have to navigate away from one page to get the address and then come back in order to link it up).

Anyway, I didn't get an interview, but they did ask for more information about my perspective on things... You know, the read this and respond and then we will decide if we like you. Which I was completely fine with because I actually like getting assignments and completing them. If I could have printed it out on pink paper and submitted it in one of those plastic report folders I would have been a happy camper. I also sort of wish I could have made it a multimedia report, but we'll save that for another time I guess. Nerd Alert.

I turned that in and am waiting to hear if I get a call for an interview. In the meantime..... I have already started researching apartments in New York City. Because you know, why not? It's clear they are going to hire me and I am going to move there, so I am just preparing for the inevitable. Not jumping the gun at all.

My number 1 (and only) place to find apartments is Craigslist. It serves me well in Boston. I know which ones are the scams and which places are legit. I know the neighborhoods. I know if you find a really cheap apartment in Back Bay it's actually in Framingham.

New York city apartment searching via Craigslist is a lot trickier. I put in "Chelsea" and got places in Harlem. Then I tried "Brooklyn" and I got New Jersey, Bridgeport, and even New Haven.

Okay, I am not sure where this story is going. END SCENE. Shut it down.

Insanity Part 2--- Keeping Organized

2009-07-23T14:33:00.003-04:00

One of the most stressful parts of looking for a job is keeping track of things during the application process. Every place these days seems to have their own systems of accepting applications. Some ask you to email an HR type inbox (after which you immediately receive a form response with the details of their hiring process or a basic thank you and we’ll get back to you- maybe). Others will ask you to fill out a form online and upload attachments for your cover letter and resume… or worse, make you copy and paste your resume and cover letter into the dreaded text box. As much as I’d love to give you a world of tips on how to navigate through those systems, I can’t… you just have to suffer through it and do it. But, I can help you stay on top of your applications so you know who you have already applied to, who you need to follow up with, and applications you still have pending. Read on.

When I want to stay organized in life, I have two main methods. Since so much of applying these days is via the internet, your inbox can be a great way to keep a handle on everything that is going out and coming in. Another way is to set up some sort of what I like to call a “Tracker.” This is an external database that you create and maintain to hold all of the information on every job to which you have applied or want to apply. I will outline both ways below and you can choose what makes sense for your personal style; I typically do a combo of the two.

Make your Inbox work for you
I am a huge fan of Gmail (you know, the email system provided for free by Google). If you have something else, what I mention here will still apply, but you might need to make minor adjustments.

Since I submit almost all applications electronically, I’ve devised a system to keep track of all of the emails I am sending out and receiving back. It’s pretty basic:

While searching: I don’t search for jobs and when I find one apply for it right then and there (unless I am extremely excited and cannot wait even a second to begin my cover letter and update my resume). Instead, I copy and paste the posting into the body of the email (including web links, who needs to get this email, and notes to myself on the opening and what I might write in my cover letter), enter the subject line as the job opening and the company, and save it as a draft. I DO NOT enter anything in the “To” field. Doing that would probably result in a slip of the hand and the hiring manager reading my notes on the job posting which could say something like: “Might be way under-qualified but highlight college experience working in the writing center.” At the end of every day, I can look at my drafts and see how many jobs are out there waiting for my application.

The initial application: Once I am in the mood to hammer out some cover letters and play around with resume formats (again), I go to my drafts and start working. When I have stuff ready to send out, I simply email the hiring manager with my attached documents and BCC myself on the email. I blind carbon copy myself because I think CCing yourself looks weird. I’d rather they not know I am including myself on the email. Then again, maybe I am just a secretive person and like to be stealth. Your call. Anyway, this just keeps a copy in my inbox with all of the relevant documents relating to that position, to which I can then attach a label.

Application Statuses: To keep track of where each job stands, I attach a label to it. This is the Gmail version of a folder, so if you use Outlook or Hotmail or Yahoo or whathaveyou, you can use folders to do this very same form of organization. The labels I use are: Application Sent, Follow Up Call, 1st Interview, 2nd Interview, etc. When I am bored and I need something to do, I can click on Application Sent and see if any of them have been pending for more than a week and then I will do some sort of follow up call on those and switch their label. You can also have multiple labels on them, so you can keep everything in Application Sent and have the full list there.

Threads: Since Gmail is brilliant, anything with the same subject heading will stick together in one long email thread. So, if I get a phone call from someone, I usually reply to my own email (just to myself) with notes on the phone call. Example: Spoke to Edith, had brief phone interview. Scheduled meeting with Jack for blank date, blank time. By doing this, I am keeping all records related to the job in one place.

That’s the basic system. If you are looking for something more detailed, then think about:

The Tracker
If you are the sort of person who likes to check things off as they get done, this kind of system is for you. You can tailor it to fit exactly your needs and at the end of everyday you can look back on your accomplishments and feel proud of yourself, which might be just the thing you need to feel if you are struggling through unemployment. It can be as simple as a word document or an excel sheet, or if you are super technologically savvy you could even set something up in Access or another Database application. That’s your call.

My personal favorite form of a tracker is in Excel (Spreadsheet if you are a Mac user). In my current job I practically live and breathe Excel trackers. I love them because you can add and remove columns (categories) with ease and you can filter and sort based on what you want to see. You can include links to websites or documents for easy reference. It’s a great way to keep everything in one place.

My basic tracker would include the following columns:

Date Updated: Under this column you can keep track of when you last worked on this job opening. Don’t disregard keeping track of the date. You’d be surprised how fast the week goes by so you want to keep a record of when you last checked in on this job. Maybe you applied for it and haven’t heard anything and it has been a couple of weeks. That could be an indicator you need to check in. Maybe you have done all of your follow up and it has been a couple of months. Maybe it’s time to make this job inactive. Keeping track of the dates is a good reality check.

Company: This one is pretty obvious. You need to know what company the job that you applied for is in… but, make sure to take this to the next level. The company name should be a link to the company website so you can easily access information on that organization if they call you and you need to jog your memory on who they are and why they applied.

Open Position: Again, hello Captain Obvious. Enter the job you applied for in here and link it to the job posting/description. Why do you need to keep track of specific jobs/postings? (A) You might need to access the job description in a pinch and this will make it easier (B) These companies are probably posting multiple jobs and you might be interested in more than one. (C) They also might post it, remove it (either they filled it or decided not to hire at that time) and then post it again later on (maybe their new hire didn’t work out, maybe there are multiple people in that role and it opened up again). If you see the same posting later on that you’ve already applied for, you don’t want to send out the exact same application. What you want to do is write a follow up email or give a phone call and express something along the lines of: “I applied for this job back in April and I noticed you posted it as available again. I am still interested in this opening and would love to discuss my qualifications in person.” This shows that you are committed to their organization and the opening, and you will likely get an interview. (True story, this happened to me).

Status: Where are you in the process? Here is where you can make note of whether you submitted your application yet, did the follow up (if possible), got an interview, had a second interview, etc.

Resume Sent: Enter a link here to the copy of a resume that you sent out. If you are like me you have upwards of 10 versions of your resume. It’s always good to bring the same resume to your interview that you sent with your application (unless you have an improved version, in which case bring that).

Cover Letter Sent: Enter the link to the cover letter you included. Sometimes I write silly little cover letters and I just like to read them to myself before I go to bed. Kidding. (A) It’s good to refresh yourself on all of the materials you sent to an organization before you go on your interview. That way, you can reiterate those main points and if they compliment you on your cover letter you know what they are talking about. (B) If you are applying for similar positions in multiple organizations, you can use the same basic cover letter tweaked with specifics that their organization might find applicable. If you have them all linked up here in this tracker, it’s easier to find and makes the application process that much easier. No one likes to write cover letters, so this way you have access to all of yours in one spot, linked up to job titles that they were used for.

Other Notes: Here’s the place where you write all of the things you want to remember about a job. Maybe there was a concerning salary range you will need to know to address in case they give you an offer. Maybe you are bad with names and want to keep track of all of the people in the organization you have spoken with—Phone interview with Edith, Face-to-Face scheduled with Jack, etc. Anything you want to keep track of that can be useful down the road can be stored here.

The reason why Excel/Spreadsheet works so great is because you can filter. Depending on what aspect of your job search you are looking to focus on in that particular day, you can pull up your tracker and get the information you need. Maybe you are not in the mood to search new jobs that day. You can use this tracker to see which jobs you still need to apply for and make sure none fall through the cracks (I always think the fresher a posting is when you apply, the more likely you will get an interview). Or, you can see what jobs need follow up. Maybe there are jobs you haven't checked in on in a while and haven't heard back from them. See if they are still posted and if so, give that company a call.

**I realize this is a lot of info and it might seem like too much work to set up and maintain. I promise you it is not. And I truly believe if you have an organized system, eventually you will have success in your search. And if you don't, at least you will have a record of all of the jobs you have applied for and you can print out all of the cover letters and resumes you've sent, all of the email correspondance between you and corporations, all of the rejection letters.. and use them to wallpaper your bathroom as a last resort to curb boredom while unemployed. Happy hunting!**

The new dream... AUSTRALIA

2009-07-21T17:53:00.003-04:00

So, in my warped sense of twisted logic... I think I need to move to Australia. Let me outline my points here and you can be the judge.

Point 1: I think I am done with Boston. To take one of my favorite phrases (taken from a short story by Haruki Marukami) and reshape it to explain what I mean--- Boston for me is a marriage of convenience, not an act of love. I do really like Boston. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here now. I came up to this city because a lot of my college friends were in and around here, and let's be real, I am definitely more of a city girl these days than anything. But, it was about convenience in the end. Not too far from home with lots of people I knew. I love the city, but I am not in love with the city. Maybe that's why I have applied for more jobs (in total) outside of Boston than in Boston. So... I hate to say it Beantown... I think we need to part ways for a while. It might not be permanent, but, I need to try out new cities before I can come back to you.

Point 2: I am not a quitter, but there aren't a lot of jobs around. I am pretty positive I am not going to find a dream job at this time. I am not, in fact, quite sure if I know what my dream job is-- it is still up in the air, just a glimmer in my eye, but not a reality yet. My potential dream jobs likely live in non-profits and have to do with Art... not exactly growth markets that thrive in poor economic times. So... I could take a job that is nothing I really want to do, suffer through the bad times with it, want to poke my eyes out every single day, get little to no vacation time, and cry on my couch every night. Or... I could go to Australia. Dramatic? Maybe. But read on.

Point 3: I've talked to both of my recruiters (they don't know about eachother... shhhh! don't tell) and they have individually mentioned that I should consider temping for a while and hopefully one of the temp jobs will become permanent. Initially, I thought this was brilliant. I am an excellent employee. I can pretty much do any job and am a reputable Jill of all trades. I have health insurance until November, so I don't have to worry about that-- why not temp and hope it is temp to perm and then perm? Then I remembered.... I am not trapped in Boston. I don't have a husband. I don't have children. I don't have a mortgage. I don't have a dog. All I really have is a couch that I adore, some unfinished art on the walls, a really comfortable bed, and a whole lot of shoes (and coats and clothes in general). All of these items are happy to go whereever I go without complaint, or sit in a storage unit for months and blissfully await my return. It's true. I can see sticking out a temp job hoping it becomes permanent if I needed to stay in this city (or wanted to)... but it is hard for me to stay here and do a mindless temp job when I can be doing a mindless temp job elsewhere.

Point 4: If I am planning on moving away anyway... it should be somewhere cool and interesting. BUT, it's costly to move across country or to a new city without having a job. It's also scary. So, if you are going to move somewhere brand new and embark on an adventure (maybe your last big adventure)... it should be a good one, right? This is where Australia comes in.

Point 5: Australia has a Work and Holiday Visa that was essentially created for wandering souls like myself.. those of us who are only truly happy when they are out in the world. You can enter Australia and work for up to a year on this visa. This means you can pick up temp jobs along your travels to make some money and experience a new city, culture, continent. You need to be 18 years to 30 to partake in this Visa and have a certain amount of money in the bank. I qualify. I am not sure if I will ever qualify for this Visa again. This really truly could be my only chance to take this oppportunity.

Point 6: Australia is very very far away and I have never gone there because the flight can be $$$ and once you are there, you want to see it all and 2 weeks (the average American holiday) won't get you far. I have been spoiled at this job with vacation time, getting upwards 4 weeks a year since I started. Taking an Australian vacation was always an option, provided I had the money for a plane ticket. Once I get a new job... I might not get 4-6 weeks of vacation time a year. I might only get 2 weeks (THE HORROR).

Point 7: Have I mentioned in this blog that I am soon to be unemployed with no prospects of a new job? Have I mentioned I have applied for over 30 such new opportunities in 10 plus industries with the hopes of finding one and have 2 lovely recruiters looking as well and nothing has come along? In my world... this is what we'd call lemons, people. LEMONS.

Point 8: I'd like to take these lemons I have been dealt (small, non-juicy, Market Basket lemons, shipped in from CA... not large Sorrento lemons fresh from a market stall) and make lemonade. Doesn't Australia seem like the most refreshing lemonade? I think it does.

IN SUMMATION:
I think all the stars have aligned: (1) I am unemployed as of August 1 (2) A severence check will fully stock my previously lacking bank account (3) No jobs in sight... except for temping. (4) I hear about the Australian Work Visa thing (5) I qualify for the Australia Work Visa

How is this not FATE? I happened to talk to a girl I went to Stonehill with about her Australian husband/fiancee and how she moved to Australia for a few months an how easy it was right at the time in my life when I was going to be unemployed, severed from my job by a hefty check, no jobs in site, floundering in the pool of "what am I going to do next" and am not yet 30. Right? How can I avoid these signs....

NOT TO MENTION: My horoscope has been telling me to throw caution to the wind, take chances, and abandon my nature to over plan things.

The 5%:
I have been saying I am 95% sure about Australia. This means I 100% want to go to Australia, but 5% panic about the future. If I go, can I really afford it? Will I spend all of my savings? Will I come back to the States unemployed, broke, and no way to make money because there are still no jobs in sight? These are the scary questions lurking in the back of my brain.

Then I tell myself, Jenn, you are pretty responsible and smart, and a fairly good planner. While I am in Australia, I can continue the job search and keep things on my radar. I've been wanting to do something with writing for a while now... freelance writing doesn't have an office. It doesn't have a cubicle in East Bum US office park to report to Monday through Friday from 9am-5pm. Maybe whilst I am living up the Aussie dream, I can pursue my real dream: to have someone pay me to write by first doing it for free to get some clips together. Maybe, this crazy opportunity will open up doors that I would have never known existed had I not gone to Australia....Maybe I will meet someone who wants to give me a job when I get back. Who knows! I certainly don't, and maybe that's for the best.

So, do you agree or disagree. Anyone? Anyone?

I will take comments now, please.

(Post Script: I will continue the post about Job Searching--The next steps, Keeping organized, Etc, shortly.)

How I feel at my job right now

2009-07-21T17:51:00.002-04:00

This is extra funny because I have been a temporary vegetarian (which means I ate chicken at my parents house on Sunday-- but haven't eaten any other meat since last time I was home).

Insanity? (Part 1--- Job Search Tips)

2009-07-17T08:30:00.003-04:00

Apparently the fact I have applied to over 30 jobs so far is insane. I don't think so. I think I am just extremely good at finding jobs and I have a very organized system so I can apply to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. It's called my "No Job Left Behind" Act.

Since there are tons of job seekers out there... I figured I'd share my secrets on how to find new job postings and how to stay organized when applying for them.

THE SEARCH

Get your feet wet with the basics: I start out using sites like Craigslist, Idealist (for non-profit opps), Monster, CareerBuilder, Indeed and Simply Hired.

Craigslist: Craigslist is where I start when I am looking to see what is going on for jobs in different cities. It's mostly a time passer when I am at work... plus you can find lots of random local part-time opportunities from smaller business. For instance, I found a marketing assistant job (designing posters) for a local food restaurant/ market. Those are the types of opportunities that are a hidden gem on this site--- you probably won't find your next big career opportunity on this site, but you might find some good networking opportunities or basic administrative jobs to pass the time for now.

Idealist: I signed up to recieve the daily alerts. You can select the states you want to be alerted about (right now mine are MA, CA, NY, and Washington DC) and they email you all of the new job postings. This is alot easier than checking Idealist daily. I set it up so my email account automatically filters all emails from Idealist into its own folder so I don't feel like I am cluttering up my inbox. Not only do I receive job postings from them, but I also ask for local Events and Volunteer opportunities. Sometimes the events are job fairs or interesting (and free) workshops that you can attend. And the volunteer opportunities are good to see because you might find a new organization you are interested in (which during your free time you can volunteer at) and maybe get a paying job from there.

Monster and Careerbuilder: I find these sites mostly useless, but I consider them my "back pocket" sites. I have my resume posted on both of these and get alerts from them about new openings that I can pretty much take or leave. It's mostly recruiters from large corporations that will contact you, but it is still good to know what may or may not be out there (watch out for scams). I figure, if I am desperate down the road, I will use this more.

Indeed & SimplyHired: Both of these search engines have the same general idea that you can search all job boards at once. I started out using Indeed, but SimplyHired has more filter options which are very handy when you want to narrow it down. For instance, if you search SimplyHired for jobs in publishing, then you can narrow it down by job title, salary, full time, experience level, degrees required, etc. I usually start out with a broad search and then narrow it down accordingly. You don't want to start too small, and a job posting might ask for a certain experience level but also think a combination of experience and education is okay. So don't sell yourself short by searching for only the opportunities you are qualified for-- you want to have stretch opportunities, too.

Branching out: Once you've done your basic search, you've hopefully found some jobs to apply for and gotten ideas for new searches you might want to do.

From SimplyHired & Indeed: Since these sites are directing you to new job boards... take the time to search those as well. For example, I went on a publishing kick the other day and searched these sites for Editorial Assistant jobs across the US. One of the postings was listed on a website called journalismjobs.com. I then did a search on that website to see what else was out there (I started out very broad just to see what types of jobs were on there). From there I was able to see what other entry-level and mid-level job openings tend to be available in the field of journalism. Obviously, Editorial Assistant isn't the only way you can get your foot in the door in that field. If you have background in Marketing, that could be the way to go. Even Sales-- every publication needs people with Sales background and if that is the experience you have that is the way you can more readily transition to a new field.

Local Job Boards: It's important to move beyond Craigslist when you are looking for local jobs. One of my favorite local boards is hireculture.com, which focuses on jobs in the Arts. It's updated daily and covers all of MA. You might think-- why do I care about MA jobs? Even if that isn't your location or your interest... you'd be surprised what finding sites like that can lead you to. For example, almost every site like this has a Resources page (or Links, or Related Links, it could be called several different things). On the Mass hireculture site, I was able to tap into the New York Foundation for the Arts job board. That led me to my dream job (below) and all of the resources on that site, which led me to Americans for the Arts job board... as well as various Museum opening job boards. Then, I googled "Cultural Councils California" and found another job board. This is just the route I took. You might have done the same thing and ended up on a completely different trail of sites, but I promise you will find something new every day.

Do research to find a company you'd actually want to work for: Job search engines are only going to take you so far. Yeah, you will find everything that has posted out into the world wide web... but, that is only a percent of the number of jobs that are available. A lot of companies have recruitment departments within their HR team that serve the purpose of scouting out new talent. This means they don't neccessarily wait for prospective employees to contact them, they spend more time looking for you. What if you are not on their radar? You have to go onto their website to find them. How do you find these companies? A lot of publications keep lists of the Best Companies to Work For, Top Growing Small Business, Top Non-Profits etc. You just need to find the list. So instead of hanging out on Job boards... google Top Business in your area, or Top Non-Profits, and I guarentee you will find a list. (Newsweek.com, Inc.com, FastCompany.com all have such lists, for starters). From that list, go ointo each site individually to see how they do recruitment at their corporation and apply.

Recruiters/ Headhunters: It never hurts to go to a recruiter. Right now I have two people from different agencies who are working to find me a job. How do you find a recruiter? This is where Monster and CareerBuilder can actually help you. Take a second to do a search for a job you'd want. From those results, at least half of them will be posted by staffing agencies. I don't recommend applying for the job right then and there (think about how many people are replying to that ad, and what kind of email inbox is it really going to? This is just the way they generate new leads).... Instead, go to the staffing agency website and look up what their company is about, what kind of jobs they usually have in their database, and if it seems like they could help you with more than just what they have posted. If they seem like a good fit, contact them through their website (don't go through Monster or CareerBuilder, and honestly, you don't even need to mention the job that you found and are interested in unless you think it could help them see what what type of job you are looking for. Those posted jobs are usually just generalizations or examples of types of jobs they have available and aren't usually specific openings) OR ask your friends if they have ever used that staffing agency. If you can get a name of a recruiter and contact them directly, that is far better than going through the form on the website. They are 100% more likely to get in touch with in 24 hours and will be more helpful down the road because they know you will report back to your friend (who could need them again in the future) and pass on their names to someone else.

The next steps: If you are doing all of this, you are probably generating tons new leads of jobs a day. Searching for a job IS a full time job... and you don't want to get yourself overwhelmed or confused (although I can imagine the tips above are both of those things).

Focus: If you are unsure of what your next career move will be (but have a few ideas in mind) start by keeping a running list of the types of jobs that interest you as you find them. Then, you can do focused job searches by referring to that list. Each day, pick a focus and pursue it to its fullest to find all of the opportunities out there. Once you've gone through your full list, start from the beginning again and see what is new.

Set up a schedule: Depending on the other things going on in your life, you will want to set up a schedule that you can stick to so you make sure you don't lose momentum. Maybe you are busy during the day, but have time to search while watching TV in the evenings. Maybe it makes sense for you to search for jobs during the day, keep a list, and then apply at night or the following morning. Maybe you can only commit to searching for jobs on the weekends, or a couple of times a week. You don't need to be strict, but definitely come up with some sort of a system or block of time that you can devote just to the job search. It will help in the long run.

Be patient: Your dream job might not be out there today... but don't worry. Maybe you will find a good stepping stone job that will help you get to your dream job. Maybe in a few weeks your dream job will be posted somewhere. There is no sense in getting frustrated or upset during the search... you never know where life will lead you! Hang in there.

Those are all of the searching tips I can think of for now... Later on I will post more on how I keep organized when applying for all of these openings!

My dream job lives in NYC

2009-07-13T14:34:00.002-04:00

Do you believe in fate? I do. Which is why when I saw this recent posting- Jenn's Dream Job- It was as though this job was not posted for the greater masses looking for careers in the arts, but gift wrapped in the most delicate layers of tissue paper, tied up with golden ribbons and delivered by a fairy godmother with gossamer wings to me personally (via my computer screen)to read this morning as I checked the job boards for the 37th time in the past 2 weeks. Shockingly, I am not being remotely sarcastic. Apparently, finding the description of my dream career (the answer to the question of where I want to be TOMORROW) turns me into a rose-colored glasses wearing idealist.

Not only is this a really neat organization (www.arttable.org) but the actual job seems perfect for me. Event planning and fundraising- that's the kind of stuff I want to do with the rest of my life, because it is just as fun as it is challenging. Even more surprising-- the start date range is exactly when I want my new job to start and the salary range is within what I make now.

The perfection of this opening can only mean one thing--- Too good to be true AKA You will never even get called for an interview, Jenn. HOWEVER-- if anyone out there has any connections with the NYC and BEYOND women-in-arts world and can help me snag an interview, please be sure to let me know.

Updates on the job hunt

2009-07-10T16:10:00.003-04:00

I may not be getting a ton of responses, but that's not for lack of trying. Here are the positions I have applied to so far:

Administrative Assistant in various industries (10)
Floral Design Trainee/Sales Associate (1)
Editorial Assistant (4)---> Latest idea was to get into Publishing. I LOVE READING!! Can you imagine if I got to read for a job?
Executive Assistant (3)
Sales Coordinator (1)
Special Events/Promotions (1)
College Writing Consultant (1)
Gallery Assistant (3)
Gallery Sales Consultant (2)
Museum Development (2)

I am not sure why I am trying so hard to be honest. I have also posted my resume on Monster and CareerBuilder and I have gotten more than enough gems to pick from just from that, including:

A Boston company that said I could make up to 100k 'Honest Dollars' in one year, 250k for 'Top Producers'. I have to wonder if the top producers aren't honest
2 Financial Services firms located in east bum Ohio
An Admissions Advisor for an unnamed online university, in a confidential location. The mystery is obviously enough to draw me in.

Granted, it is only the first day of having those posted, so maybe something good will come of it in the future. My philosophy is--- it can't hurt to try.

.....21 Days Until Unemployment

What do I do?

2009-07-07T19:28:00.003-04:00

Since I have been asking everyone and anyone to help me with my job search (AKA Operation Find Me a New Job by August 1), it's only right that I actually tell you what I actually want... right?

At first, I was going to give you a bit of background on what I've done, what my skills are, my present position within the company.... but that got complicated. I currently work in the travel industry liaising between our sales team in Boston and our Operational team abroad. That's really all I can say without starting to sound like Charlie Brown's mom: WAH WAH WAH. If you've ever tried to explain your job to someone, you probably know what I mean.

Since that method is a complete wash, what I can do is tell you a little bit about what I want in my dream job... and maybe you can help me get there. Maybe it won't be in this next form of employment, but hopefully my next role will get me closer to where I want to be in the future.

So, here goes. Ideally-- I want to work for myself either in the form of a freelance writer, art/textile maker, or hot chocolate shop owner. Even more ideally, a combination of those three things would really make me as happy as a clam. In addition, I'd like my future to involve supporting charitable causes. Basically, I want to live in a world with rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and be my own boss.

I've been trying to think about how exactly to get there. In order to run my own business of a hot chocolate shop that doubles as a gallery/studio space and still allow time for writing on the side... I have a feeling I need to save some money. The only way to save money is to actually make money, and with my ridiculous Boston rent and only average paying job, that just hasn't been happening for me.

This means I have two choices. I can get a higher paying job that does not interest me in the slightest but allows me to check in at nine and check out at five and reap the benefits of a decent paycheck and pursue my artistic dreams on the side. OR-- I can worry about the money side of things later and get a job in a non-profit arts organization to gain experience and learn a little something about how to potentially run my own show one day. Either of these would work for me.

To give you even more background on what I am looking for (aside from anything, as the case may be) there have been particular things that have piqued my interest while scrolling through pages and pages of job postings on 10+ different job search engines.

(1) Interesting organizations: I don't mind being an administrative assistant in an organization that I consider cool. Zipcar is one of these such organizations. Young, hip, and such a neat idea (car sharing for the carless city dwellers like myself)-- I'd love to work there.

(2) Firms that deal with the creative side of things: Even though it has been fun to be a jet setter the past four plus years working in the travel industry, that job sector just isn't hiring right now. My skills are pretty transferrable, though, and if I am going to continue to work for "the man" I'd like it to be in a slightly more creative field. I always tell people, "I speak creative." This means, I can communicate with artists, graphic designers, musicians, floral designers, etc... and translate it over to what the rest of you speak. I can do this because I am half creative. So-- if you know anyone who works for an Art school, an Interior design firm, Publishing company, Events Management or PR firm, etc, I want to know about it.

(3) Non-profits with missions I can stand behind (and understand). I'm not really an activist type person who goes out and pickets in front of the state house. However, I do like to support causes in more subtle ways. Examples of non-profits that have missions I like: Reach Out and Read (gets books to underpriviliged children through their local pediatrician), Americans for Arts (top non-profit that promotes Arts organizations), and really anything that involves the Arts or reading or writing or Vespas.

(4) Location, Location, Location. Yes, I live in Boston. But, I don't consider myself stuck here. I've been looking for jobs in New York City, Washington DC, Savannah, Philly, coastal California, Seattle... and would be happy to consider other locations that have a neat art scene and preferably don't require a car (unless the job pays well).

That's really all of the criteria I can come up with at this stage. But will post more as I think of them. In the meantime-- if anyone out there thinks of any place I should be looking at... please continue to send them along. Thanks ahead!

Savannah Love

2009-07-02T16:40:00.004-04:00

You might know this already but I have this tendency to prematurely jump ahead to the end result before even completing step 1 in real life. I did this while in the midst of applying for a job at SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design). Now, I have only been to Savannah twice, but I do love it there. It is a pretty little city that is super artsy and very Jenn.

Here I am, plugging away at the clunky online application system when I start daydreaming about my new life located in Savannah, GA. So, I take a pause to search for my new home (I will need a place to live, right). Lo and behold I find approximately 30 million places that all cost half or less than what I pay for my current apartment in Boston, are two to three to five times the size, and, the frosting on the cake, almost all of them allow dogs.

In my head, I have fallen in love with Savannah and planned our future life together (I will live in a 2+ bedroom apartment/house with wraparound porch and adorable dog name Mr. McRuffington) and I haven't even finished applying for the job.

Right.

So---- here's where you come in. Anyone know of any job openings in Savannah? I think I need to go to there. Now.

Rejecting Rejection

2009-06-30T16:36:00.004-04:00

So, it's been only a couple of days since I actively started the job search. I've applied to 10 open positions thus far. Two of those have already rejected me. Over email. Without giving me the courtesy of an interview. This makes me feel really positive and motivated... and spiteful.

Here is the first rejection email I got:

Jennifer,
Thanks for sending your resume our way. While we've opted to interview other candidates for this position, we do sincerely thank you for your interest and wish you success in your job search. We will keep your resume on file, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send us an email.
Recruiting Department

A few comments:

Are you really sincerely thankful that I sent you my resume?
Who are these other candidates, and what makes them better than me?
And, I've heard the "we will keep your resume on file" before and I am pretty sure it means "we've permanently deleted your resume from our inbox and have shredded any hard copies we may or may not have printed."

So... I fought back. And by "fought" I mean I wrote a sassy little response. They said to contact them with questions-- I did not hesitate:

Hi,

Thank you for keeping me in the loop (and so quickly) on the status of my application.

I realize my cover letter probably lacked the necessary punch that would be required of someone to work at your organization, but if you have any other constructive feedback about my application and had a moment, would it be possible to send it along?

I am new to the job search after working at the same company for 4+ years, and, quite frankly, can use all of the help I can get.

Also, if you change your mind about the interview, I am still available and I don't think you'd be disappointed. I realize my background in Art/Art History and my experience in Educational Travel doesn't directly correlate to Healthcare Software, but I am still confident I could make it work for the Sales Coordinator position.

Best,

Jennifer

The second rejection letter went like this:

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for your interest in the Administrator role in our American Paintings department.

After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been successful on this occasion. We will keep your application on file should an opportunity arise that fits your skills and experience. Also please keep an eye on our website as we post all of our new opportunities there.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your time and wish you every success in your future career.

Kind Regards
Christie’s HR

My thoughts:

I've seen this rejection letter before. It comes across as nice, but it really means... we didn't even read your resume because we got 1.5 million responses and our boss's daughter's best friend's cousin applied so she got it. She just graduated from NYU and has a nose ring.
"You have not been successful on this occasion": Please, could you describe my unsuccessfulness a little bit more thoroughly. I am not sure how to be successful when I was forced to upload and edit my resume in your online application system and write my cover letter in a text box.
They will also keep my application on file. How sweet of them.
I do appreciate them taking the time to thank me for my time and wish me success. I mean, not everyone realizes how much time and energy it takes to apply for these jobs! If only I could be more successful at it.

Unfortunately, that little gem of a rejection email came from a Do Not Reply email address, so I couldn't send a response.

Until next time....

EF that-- The world is now my oyster!

2009-06-28T16:38:00.004-04:00

I found out I am being laid off. After a month of my company hemming and hawing about whether or not I fit in the new structure, they finally made the decision that I did not (never had, really) and are terminating my employment at the end of July. I don't know whether to be grateful that I get an extra paycheck because they are 'letting me stay on' through the end of the month or annoyed because clearly I am just being used for my exemplary training skills and prowess of knowledge. I have decided not to think about it (too much) and instead end my career at the company (that doubles as a fraternity/sorority/NYC Prep School/insert applicable analogy about clique-y places here) with class and grace and not as much spite as I would typically like to employ.

In the meantime, I am going to do a countdown of sorts by writing in this blog (in between cover letters) as I scramble to find something new by mid- August so I can be the only person turning a profit in this poor economy.

Since I saw this coming, I have been doing some soul searching for the past month or so, or maybe since forever but we'll pretend it is something that only started recently for this post's sake. For most, this would be a good thing. But, as an overanalytical, overachieving, and an increasingly oversensitive late-20s female.... the type of soul searching I do typically starts with beers and ends in tears. I become so incapacitated by the fear of moving forward, that I just lay on my couch and catch up on HBO series like True Blood and Entourage, since I know I will never find another job and will be forced to cancel cable at the end of the month in order to save a buck. Sigh.

In between panic attacks, phone calls from friends, cocktails and FoodTV marathons, I did come up with some semblance of a plan. Since I am getting a fair severance, I realized I had til end of September to find a job where I make the same amount of money as I do now. And if I find a job sooner than that, I can take a paycut and still break even at the end of the year. It's simple math. Thus, I have the very strategic plan of applying to (1) anything and (b) everything in the hopes I get at least a few offers to think about (read: accept immediately in desperation).

And, although I would love to find 'the perfect job,' I realize that is just as likely as finding a boyfriend in Boston (for those of you not familiar with the area or my previous posts on the subject, that would be like finding a unicorn in a desert), so I am perfectly okay with taking a job that I can check in at 9 and check out at 5 and then do all of the other stuff I want with my life on the side (like becoming a freelance writer and upcycled clothing refurbisher).

If anyone has any suggestions for me in regards to my future as an employed individual, please drop me a line in the form of a comment (I am willing to relocate). And check in for updates, as I am positive they will get funnier. Or, at least more bitterly sarcastic as the days continue.

Updates (It's a long one and not very funny)

2009-02-22T12:51:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted here in a while. It seems that I may have too many blogs to keep up with but I am going to plug along. I thought I would take a second to give an update on some of the things I have been working on. This is the year about being a grownup and not in the bad way. I just have been feeling like I am in a rut and for all of the big ideas I have I don't actually do anything. I decided I wanted to form good habits that would make my life more manageable and still get everything I want done in a day. The way to do that was through exercise in the AM and creative pursuits in the PM (my work day sandwiched in the middle).

I am on the right track with creative pursuits. For those of you who are unsure if cooking is creative-- it is. Most of the recipes I have posted on my newest blog, Adventures in a Tiny Kitchen, are things I have come up with myself or modifications of dishes I have eaten out or seen in recipe magazines/blogs. I cook the way I sew-- I start with an idea, I get some instructions, and then I change it around to make it how I want it. So I definitely think I have been flexing my creative brain on that project.

My second creative project has been to make and sell things on Etsy.com. For those of you who don't know about Etsy, it is actually an amazing little website that makes it easy to sell homemade products. For a small fee per item you sell you can set up your own webshop that is easy to navigate and searchable. I love this site because you can do your own PR to spread the word about your shop, but you can also tag your items with key words, so if someone is looking for, say, placemats, they can search the Esty site for them and your listing will come up. It's basically an online craft fair.

My etsy shop is going to have the them of upcycling-- taking otherwise unusable things and making them usable again in a new way. I just came up with the name and logo design yesterday (after spending consideral time on another name previous and having a friend work in vain on another logo). The shop address is www.growlgrowl.etsy.com and if you go there you won't see any items for sale but you will see my logo. The growl growl doesn't actually refer to a grumbling dog-- but actually two different descriptions of an owl: green owl and grumpy owl-- gr_owl. Growl. I realize this is quite the breadcrumb to follow and it might be proof I am a little crazy in the head, but once the growl came to fruition I really loved it. I am not going to get into the details about what it all means right now, but check out the site to see my banner logo (still working on a condensed version for business cards/ icons/ etc).

On to exercising: I have done more thinking about exercising than actually exercising. That is all going to change, because I think I might run the Hartford Half Marathon and I need a full 7 months to train for it. Chris thinks he is going to do the full marathon and I have a few other people who might do the full/ half, so I think that is enough motivation for me to do it. In the meantime, I am going to try to sneak in a few other shorter races (with friends/ family) which will help me along that path.

I've also decided I want to take up Yoga. I am not ready to commit to classes yet (1 month membership at a Yoga studio is twice as much as a gym membership) but I have been doing this semi-cheesey workout called Yamaste Yoga and on FitTV. I didn't even know I got FitTV, but I started DVRing Namaste Yoga and I sort of like it. So--- running and Yoga, look out world, I'm going to be a changed person soon enough.

So I realize these were boring updates, but I needed to post them here so I could get all of that out of my system and actually make this stuff happen. Wish me luck!

Best job in the world

2009-01-16T20:53:00.002-05:00

On Diane's blog, I saw this link.

Basically, you can live on the Great Barrier Reef for 6 months, get paid more than I make in a year, and you are living on the Great Barrier Reef.

I am going to apply, because I have recently discovered I HATE WINTER.

It has been so cold I just can't stand it. I will even get over my fear of snorkeling/ scuba diving for this opportunity. So. I need help. Who wants to take a video of me pleading my case? I am going to research the Great Barrier Reef and I think it will be best if we video me out in Boston shivering in my one million layers saying "Please, pick me to live on your beautiful island, otherwise I will suffer here. We only get one month of summer every year." I just realized they will probably pick someone from Alaska or Siberia.

My only concern is flying out there for the interview process. But, if it came to that, I feel like I'd have to go, you know?

Weirdo 7: I'm so vain, I think this post is about me

2009-01-13T21:36:00.003-05:00

Oh, wait. It is.

I'm a blog junkie. I now have 3 blogs--- two that are all me, and one I am contributing to. Why? It's not just because I like to write. I was never a journal keeper growing up. Well, I was a journal keeper because I had many, but you'd find that most of them were only half full. I just love journals because they were usually pretty and they held secrets. But, as I'd try to write in them I felt my secrets weren't worthy of containment.

Thus, the blog was born. First, Livejournal, which I used to write into the wee hours while living at home. Now, blogspot. There is something about sharing your thoughts with the anonymous world that is thrilling. The place where you can dangle prepositions out in the open. It's fun. Fun is fun. You can write gibberish in here and no one would care. No one has to read it. But the idea that someone could read it and think that your thoughts matter how silly are something worth reading or worth laughing at, is what I like. Sure, I should be building up a portfolio of clips so I could one day live my dream as a freelance writer and art maker (there are more details to that dream that I am holding back revealing... for now). But for some reason this hits the spot for now. That's all.

And that is the end of my weird facts, however weird or unweird they may be.

Number 6: I make lists/ Don't complete

2009-01-10T16:01:00.004-05:00

I love making lists. I just recently picked up my new weekly planner for the year, and I purposely picked the red moleskine that has is a datebook and a journal... meaning, after every week there is a blank page for thoughts, ideas, and lists.

Everyday when I get into work I make a list. Halfway through the day, I make a second list. During meetings in between doodling and listening, I make another list of all the things I should be doing instead of sitting in a pointless meeting. I have a notepad that is devoted to listmaking and divided into sections like Tasks, Correspondence, Errands. I have a second notepad for list making that includes a section for Time Wasters and has an image of Dwight Shrute in the upper left corner.

Before I leave for the day, I consult all my lists and make a new list of all the things I didn't do but should do tomorrow. Then I make a shopping list on a post-it and attach it to my wallet. For the last 3 days this shopping list has said "Toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo." Fortunately for me, I have a stock pile of travel gear, which includes mini tubes of toothpaste, mini bottles of shampoo, and even mini packs of toilet paper a friend gave me before I went to Costa Rica, because even though my "wallet list" is there stating exactly what I need, I haven't stopped at the store on the way from work, except for the day I thought I needed Worcestershire's sauce but then didn't.

My list on the side bar has several incomplete items, and that has been existent for a year. My to-do lists at work contain projects that eventually become obsolete, so I convert these projects into "ideas" and write them on J-shaped post its that I attach to my computer only to watch them fall off 4 hours later and collect in a pile in the spot between my keyboard and my monitor, to be sorted through weeks later and thrown in the trash, likely to be resurrected later on a future to-do list. It's a vicious cycle.

Here's the weird part: Most people who are list makers are list makers because they like the satisfaction of a crossing items off the list and the feeling of productivity that comes with throwing out a piece of paper riddled with words and check marks. Me, I like lists because I just like finding order in a chaotic world, for the findings sake alone. It gives me such satisfaction in making a list, making a plan, that I don't actually need to complete it to feel good about myself.

Truth is, I am never going to become the kind of grown up that follows a strict pattern and routine like I mentioned in a previous post. And it isn't because I don't know how or don't know what needs to get done, it's because just knowing is enough for me. I don't need to actually do the things on there. Sure, there are the rare occasions when I have a list and everything on it is crossed off at the end of the day and that's when I squeal in excitement and show everyone proof of my completed tasks. But, the rarity of those days is what makes them special, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Weirdness #5: The Marriage Problem

2009-01-07T22:07:00.002-05:00

I am the kind of person who upon meeting someone immediately imagines myself married to him. Sure, I consider dating first, imagine what that would be like, where we’d go on our first date, what we’d eat for dinner on Wednesdays and the conversations we’d have over breakfast. The details are different for each person, and I weigh the pros and cons of this imaginary relationship that likely will never come to be.

I never knew this was odd, until I compared fantasy notes with my friends and realized that most people do not do this. I’m not sure what fantasies are normal, but it isn’t about marriage, that’s for sure. What’s weird, is I don’t even think I am obsessed with marriage the way some people are (random flashback to my semester abroad when one of my roommates told me about “Senior Panic” at her college when all of the girls in their senior year who don't have boyfriends panic and scramble for the last eligible bachelors because the only reason a woman would go to college would be to find a husband). Sure, I like weddings and all, because they are pretty and involve white dresses and flowers and Japanese lanterns and floating tea lights and rose petals strewn along the aisle, but not to the point where I’d need to think about it all the time. Maybe I am just forward thinking and like to plan ahead to the point where I don’t even need to date people since I’ve got the relationship figured out in my head within 5 minutes of the first introductions.

Anyway, as much as I think about the kind of pancakes my imaginary husband and I’d both prefer (blueberry and chocolate chip), I’ve never considered what this guy would do for a living. It came to my attention that in between playing MASH (Mansion Apartment Shack House)and passing notes in study hall, everyone has imagined the perfect profession for them to marry. And people’s moms have piped in on the subject as well. I have friends whose parents picture them with doctors or teachers, architects or photographers. Apparently everyone has thought about this but me.

And although I’d like to think that it is because I am so open minded I could be happy with a person of any trade, the real truth I haven’t factored employment into the marriage equation is because my secret (not so secret) dream is to marry someone independently wealthy. Then we could travel around, buy the island next to Diane’s, and support charities by throwing galas and donate our time through volunteering and make the world a better place.

But, since that is fairly unlikely, curiosity got the best of me and I asked my mom and sisters who they’d thought I’d be good with, profession wise. The results were mixed. My younger sister couldn’t come up with a profession, but thought I needed someone who liked to travel. My older sister thought I’d be good with some kind of professional, but could also see me with a carpenter. My mom of course had a lot of options-- including engineer, writer, a chef but then I’d become overweight in a “messy kitchen,” and she vetoed people like rockstars, jugglers, and escape artists. A doctor was a definite no, architect was a maybe, a lawyer was questionable.

What did all of this tell me? That although it was interesting to hear what my family had to say, in the end everyone’s two cents added up to a whole lot of nothing. It’s fun to think about who I might end up with, but I have to meet someone first. In the meantime, I will keep dreaming of my knight in shining armor who is going to whisk me away to Italy at which time I will become bilingual and eat lots of pasta. We will get married on Cinque Terre and have a cake with a thick layer of snow white frosting and we will serve pesto foccacia on silver plates to our guests, as the sun sets over the turquoise waters of the rocky coastline.

Quirk #4: Disorganized Organization/ New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T14:08:00.005-05:00

My life can be a bit of a disaster at times. Not that I am a screw up... but that I am not the neatest of people. Part of me doesn't like that about me and wishes I could change, but the other part of me finds it endearing. I've also always heard that geniuses thrive on clutter... so it goes without saying why that makes me feel good.

However, despite the fact I can make a mess in the guest bedroom within five minutes of being in my parents' home, I do prefer a clean, organized, environment. At work we have a clean desk policy. And though sometimes I don't abide by it, but I usually do enjoy taking the last five minutes of my day to go through the papers on my desk and file or recycle as necessary. Yesterday I was at work, bored out of my skull because everyone is on vacation, so I decided to clean out my desk. And you know what I found-- it didn't need to be cleaned! What! I don't think I ever had a desk that didn't require a good 2-day dosage of organization at some point or another. Maybe I am changing.

Anyway, this post is kind of going off on tangents, but here's the point. I have a new resolution for the year. To get it together. I am going to try my damnedest to be a grownup. You heard me. Of course, there will be the list that haunts me on the sidebar (and I will continue to work on those items as well) but I will also try to be more responsible on a regular basis.

You are probably wondering how I am going to achieve this productive responsibility nonsense I am going on about--- and it all comes down to time management. I am probably one of the best people in my office when it comes to time management. Give me thirty projects and deadlines and I promise you I will get them all done on time with limited long hour days. I am not sure why I haven't applied this skill to my personal life yet. I think what it comes down to is I like to be considered spontaneous and fun and always up for adventure, and for some reason I had this idea responsible people don't get to be like that. I think I am wrong on that point. So--- I am going to create a routine. I already know what I should be doing, but I am going to actually do it. It is all the stuff normal people do without thinking about, but people like me need to write it down and tell people about it so they can be held accountable.

Here's my routine I plan on implementing for 2009:

(1) Plan the week's meals ahead so I can be a smart grocery shopper
(2) Pick out clothes and make lunch the night before
(3) Never leave dirty dishes in the sink unless unavoidable
(4) Work out in AM; pursue the creative in the evening

That's all I am going to put on the list, because it is just a general guideline I am going to start following. To motivate me on the food one; I have set up a food blog about cooking for one. Because honestly, I am a good cook, and I need to force myself to cook more. Here's the link (Adventures in A Tiny Kitchen), check it for updates if you are curious on that front.

For the creative pursuits- I've also just set up my Etsy shop. It is going to focus on goods created from things that would be otherwise thrown out (i.e. jeans and khakis that have rips and cannot be donated, dead christmas tree lights, broken dishes, etc). I am not ready to post that website here yet, but I will as soon as I have some things made.

Today's project is getting my apartment in order for the new year so I can start off with a clean slate. No more cluttered desk, no more unfinished curtains and pillows. Time to be a grownup.

Weird Fact #3: I'm going to start calling these "quirks"

2008-12-23T22:57:00.002-05:00

We all have our weird quirks, and one of mine has to do with how I read magazines. I don't like to read them cover to cover, because then I feel sad and defeated when I finish too early. If I have a magazine in my hand, it is coveted reading material because I almost always am reading it on a plane, or while waiting for a plane, the two most boring places known to man. (I no longer subscribe to any magazines because my two faves went out of business and there are too many National Geographics to choose just one. Should I go for the Traveler? Or the original. I can never decide.)

Instead, I read each individually purchased magazine three times. First, I read it back to front. Usually in the back there are interesting short things I want to read first- like my horoscope. I need to know how my month/ week/ etc is going to turn out. And I need to know that immediately.

Then I read it center to back, so I can read the essays/ longer articles. I don't always finish the longer articles because that involves finding the ending pieces in the back, which by then I am not in the mood for, as it is my second time at the end of the magazine, and I kind of feel like-- been there, done that.

Next, I pick up where I started in the center, and read again back towards the front. I know this is starting to sound repetitive, but I am telling you, it is not. With all of the ads and the shortness of these beginning articles, and being bored with the magazine the first time you got to this point, you can find a lot of new stuff in there.

Last, I start at page one, and go through the entire magazine with a fine tooth comb because for some bizarre reason, I know I missed an article, a tidbit, a cover story. I probably missed the reason I bought the magazine in the first place and I am like a detective, desperate to find it. And eventually I do. Because I can get through this part pretty rapidly, I finally take the time to read the end of those articles I read back in my first read through. I am always disappointed.

By the time I have done all of this, I am exhausted and can take a nap, which, it turns out, was the point of this whole process.

Weird Fact #2: The Dollar Bill is Obsolete

2008-12-13T12:23:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of reasons I need to rely on quarters these days. Okay, there are two reasons I need to rely on quarters- Buying diet coke in the vending machine at work and laundry.

Every time I go to do either of those things, I get my quarters in order. To do that, I absolutely must check to see what states are on the backs. Then, I choose the 3 plus states I like the least (If the quarter is so old there isn't a state on the back, that automatically trumps even my least favorite state- Texas- and gets used first) to use for my purchase/ load of laundry.

I also double check the states when loaning quarters out. Yup, that's right. If you borrow a quarter from me I will have given you my least favorite state in the slew of quarters hanging out in my change purse.

Weird Fact #1

2008-12-08T19:42:00.003-05:00

I have a tendency to obsess over efficiency. This becomes even more extreme when it comes to choosing the best possible route to get to a place, especially when walking.

I don't like backtracking unless unavoidable.
I will draw to-scale diagrams if you don't believe that my route is better than yours.
I won't back down until you have tried my way and agreed with me.

I live in Boston. We may sometimes call them "blocks" but let's be honest, this is no New York City grid pattern. That means, taking the "parallel" road doesn't mean it is the same distance. I can recognize the slight difference in distance and then I take the shorter route. It's pretty simple geometry usually; I've always liked triangles.

Sometimes people try to argue with me; mainly because I am not great with directions so sure, don't trust me. But, I am right. I don't need google maps to determine the fastest route. If I know a route, then I know a route, and I know which way is faster. I tried to explain to a co-worker why walking the back route to the bus stop was better than walking out to the main road first, and she couldn't understand how that could be when technically you were walking away from the main road to take the back road. But, the distance from the entrance to the back road was about one-tenth the distance of the entrance to the main road. Then, when taking the back road, to connect with the main road again, the distance between the back road and the main road is about half the distance of the entrance to the main road. Add to the math that the back road doesn't have any intersections, so no corners to wait on until the lights to change, and you can almost get to the bus in two-thirds the amount of the time as taking the main road. Makes perfect sense in my head.

So basically, I spend half my life thinking about the best possible route from point A to point B. I don't try to think about it, it just happens until I've come up with a solution. I just discovered that walking up the street "parallel" to my street one extra block means not only a shorter distance to my apartment, but also less steep of an incline. Score!

Tag, You're It

2008-12-03T23:50:00.003-05:00

Some people have fond memories of playing tag. Sure, I liked it as a kid... I mean it was something to do when you were confined to the blacktop or you didn't want to play kickball at recess. Honestly, I was more of a four square girl- I think being petite helps when playing in tiny spaces. However, it appears I have been tagged, which means I am it... And sorry for the delay, I guess I thought this was freeze tag.

Here are the rules:

(1) Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog. Click here for Diane's blog. I've also added her to my blogs of note list, because she said she will be updating her blog with her 7 random/weird facts and I think we all need to know about those.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself. I think I am going to do what Diane is doing and wait to post these in my next posts. Muah ha ha. Also, it is late and I am not feeling creative right now.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. Here are the people I've tagged:
Cupcakes for Spite
Chaos Personified
Through the Circuits of Time
Sure, I know that's not seven, but that's the best I can do, because I am more of a blog stalker; I don't actually know most of the people whose blogs I read. I know it says "random" but I don't care.

4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. Doing that shortly.

New Blog!

2008-12-03T23:31:00.003-05:00

For those of you who follow my blog-- have no fear, I am not going anywhere. However, a couple of friends and I are all contributing to a blog that is going to focus on ... well, it isn't really going to focus on anything. But, there will be reviews, life issues, event listings, etc. It's going to be good. I promise. And I don't make promises lightly.

So, if you want to check it out-- here's the link:

JUST FOR SCUZ

Please become a follower, it will make us feel oh-so-good about ourselves.

But also note: This is a new blog, so it is still in the very beginning formative stages. It is only going to get better, so stick with it, please.

Deja Vu

2008-11-28T15:35:00.002-05:00

NaNoWriMo is almost over and I have barely finished 3,000 words. Sure, I have one more day to get the remaining 47,000 words entered... but will I do it? Probably not.

I am sure you are thinking--- why is she writing this post instead of her novel? Well, I think by now you all know me well enough that I will pretty much do anything to not do what I am supposed to be doing. Right now, I think it is more important to outline my excuses for the pending failure of this year's NaNoWriMo than to actually write my novel. Here they are:

(1) I am incapable of self motivation. For whatever reason, if no one is there to check over my work, I just can't get things done. I know this is a bad quality I probably shouldn't share on things like job interviews, but it's the truth. If someone was forcing me to turn in work every day, I'd get this done. Without that, it's going to be like junior year all over again where I'd write my final draft of the essay and then fudge the rough draft later so my teacher could see "the process."

(2) I am a procrastinator to my detriment. I used to be able to get huge projects done in short periods of time, because the pressure of a deadline would force me to rise to the challenge. In fact, I took great pride in this character trait of mine, because, really, who else but me can pull off the amount of work I have gotten done in such short amounts of time? No one. Or at least, no one I have ever met yet. Those of you who know me in college know what I am talking about. Last minute trips to the library to grab all the oversized Art History books that were left, pages and pages of notes, borrowing my roommates laptop so I could find a quiet spot on campus to type into the wee hours, etc etc etc. This project however, was maybe too big for even me to handle. Maybe not. Only time will tell.

(3) I am not Jewish. It has come to my realization that many successful writers I like are Jewish. There must be a correlation between Jewish people and being able to write productively.

(4) My novel is not about me. With the word novel, you automatically assume fiction, so of course I was writing my novel about something made up. Now, I have to say, I like the theme of my novel, and if it ever came to fruition perhaps Oprah would like it too. But, it's not about me. I can write thousands of words a day (boring or otherwise) about me, but it takes me a while to get into the nitty gritty of other characters' lives. I know, I know, you'd think I'd like the characters I created myself enough to want to write about them, but I don't have a God complex so that's not the case.

(5) I think I have carpal tunnel. I always find that people take pity on you and believe your excuses more if they are medical. Even more so if involves an injury that would be physically debilitating. For some reason saying something like "mentally, I just couldn't write today" doesn't have the same amount of clout as saying "I broke my two hands and therefore couldn't write today because I don't have voice recognition on my computer." Since if you see me you will see I did not in fact break my hands, I feel like carpal tunnel is the way to go in this one.

(6) I'm only capable of writing lists. There, I said it. I am not a story teller, I am a list maker. And sometimes those lists turn into stories because I am not even a very good list maker. How can I make a list into a novel... wait a minute, now there's an idea.

(7) I have ADD. Okay, this one isn't true. But it would prevent me from writing a novel if it were true.

(8) I'm tired and lazy. I just wanted to spend my thanksgiving eating turkey and reading other people's writing. I didn't want to have to write, okay? I also like napping?

(9) Did I mention I ran a road race yesterday? No, this doesn't affect my ability to write, but I did have to train for it (using the word 'train' incredibly loosely) which meant getting up to run, then working, which then resulted in being tired and lazy. (See above excuse for more details on that one).

(10) So I don't have a 10th excuse, but I am putting a 10 next to this sentence anyway. What? Nine excuses aren't good enough for you people? You think I should have been able to finish the impossible task of writing a novel in a month. Thanks. Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

I'm going to go babysit the munchkin now, and will write my novel later. Maybe next year. Or maybe this year. Who knows. No one. Not even me.

NaNoWriMo, etc

2008-11-01T16:19:00.004-04:00

Today is Nov 1 or the first day in the National Novel Writing Month, which, yes, I will be participating in this year and will hopefully get done with more than 2,000 words, because that was just embarrassing.

I'm already off to a great start. I woke up this morning thinking I was going to hit the ground running by attending the Boston NaNoWriMo write in/ kick off at a location that is walking distance from my apartment. Instead, I laid around for a while, checked my email, and then texted Tim "Do you want to skip the write in?" Being a good sport, he replied that that was fine, but for all I know he is there now writing his 2,000plus words today so he can be ahead of me and win.

The problem is that I am a procrastinator. I've never been one to stretch out a project over a long period of time. In fact, I wrote a 30 page semester long research paper start to finish the day before it was due my senior year of college. Sure, that is not 50,000 words, but what I mean is, I need pressure. With 30 days to go, I am just not feeling it.

Instead, I decided to work on my Halloween costume. Yeah, all of you people celebrated Halloween yesterday night, but in my world, real Halloween is today because there are parties today. After much ado I decided my costume was going to be Not A Happy Camper. This means I am going to dress like I am going camping and look unhappy, with the aid of some accessories and props like a marshmallow in my hair and a burnt pant leg.

So, I hop on off to CVS/Whole Foods/White Hen to pick up some supplies. In CVS I grabbed some red lip liner so I can make it look like I got attacked by a bear with some strategically placed claw marks on my arm. In Whole Foods I picked up some marshmallows so I can stick them on my hair (because the absolute WORST thing that can happen while camping is getting marshmallow stuck in your hair). In the White Hen I grabbed a sandwich for lunch. I got back to my apartment and grabbed my mail. My parents sent me a Halloween card with a note that said to buy something spooky and "be safe." Promptly thereafter I fired up my gas stove and started experimenting with burning things.

Can I tell you how easy it is to make perfectly burnt marshmallows on a gas stove? I need 2 for my costume (any more would mean I'd have to rename my costume to "Girl Who Got Marshmallowed" or "The Girl No One Likes on the Camping Trip") and I made two and I was done. Granted, they aren't the perfect specimens of toasted marshmallow goodness that I'd actually want to eat, but they are exactly what you would want in a marshmallow for a costume. An activity I thought would take hours, actually took minutes. Blast.

Of course, this does free up my afternoon a little bit. I could get started on my novel. I could at least write an outline (do writers really make outlines?) or maybe some potential plotlines so I have a starting point. But instead, I will likely paint my nails and eat that sandwich I bought. And then I will probably make some more marshmallows. And then it will be late and I will have to throw my costume together. I've just now decided I don't really want to burn my old jeans even though they have holes in them. I think I might go burn some more marshmallows.

UPDATE: My costume is done and it is lame. I pretty much look like a camper with a couple of marshmallow barrettes and red lip liner streaked on my arm. However, at least I won't be the person who shows up dressed like static cling.

Talky Talk Radio

2008-10-19T22:14:00.003-04:00

I do not like talk radio (with the exception of the alt.npr love and radio podcast I follow and listen to on my way to work sometimes... and Car Talk).

I think all of the hate stems from when I was a young and impressionable teenager on the same morning schedule as my mother who used to blast terrible morning radio shows throughout the house. I admit, there was a time when I used to laugh at the phony phone prank calls on my 7 minute drive to work during the summers at 6:52AM, however more than 7 minutes was too much for me and if I had to leave the program mid-joke, I never wondered what the punch line was later. I realize some people like this and I am not judging you by your taste in radio, I just need to state the fact that this particular noise is not music to my ears.

Anyway, I have been having trouble with my alarm clock because I moved one alarm clock into my family room so I would have a clock in there as well as the fact that it doubles as an iPod dock and is quite bright for a bedroom (although I am not the type to mind light in a bedroom while sleeping) and so I moved my other, older, alarm clock into my bedroom for waking up purposes. Turns out the reason I got a new alarm clock was because the old alarm clock tends to be on the fritz. I had forgotten that and overslept and was late to work a couple of times since the switch. Thus, I decided I'd keep my iPod alarm/dock where it was and just start using my phone as my alarm. It is quite handy because although it only lets you hit snooze five times before it shuts off (for a total of 25 minutes of snoozage), you can have a second or even third alarm set to go off again after you know you will have hit the snooze on the previous alarm the max number of times. I have set my phone alarm for three alarms-- two with nice melodic tones and one that is a high pitched beeping sound that alerts me I am in the danger zone and have to get up or just call out sick to work.

The point of the story is, I have been living in this lovely life of three alarms and all is well, when one morning I wake up to MORNING TALK RADIO blasting in my ears. The horror! I jumped out of bed immediately to turn it off and stare at the possessed clock radio. One day it decides to work properly, and all the fiddling I had done previously made it tuned to a radio station that insists on talking to you in the early hours. Horrible. Horrible.

I thought my run ins with that sort of radio genre were over... until today when I discovered that iTunes has a radio feature. How handy, I thought to myself as I perused the many musical offerings including a few from Italy although none that specialized in French Rap. Then, I click on Comedy thinking maybe I could listen to some good stand up. But no.

The first program in the queue was a station entirely devoted to prank phone calls, and in my happy and enthusiastic clicking I had accidentally set it off and even more accidentally turned up the volume. And then my computer froze.

I was forced to listen, cringing and scowling all the while, for a good 5 minutes before I realized I could stop it by turning off my computer (which I did).

While writing this post I am listening to my neighbor have a very personal conversation with what sounds to be her significant other. This makes me think that maybe, just maybe, she can hear my phone alarm go off 11 times in the AM and my 10pm fight with the phoney phone radio station. Maybe this is why no one has said hello to me in the stairwell.

Oh.My.Garbage.

2008-09-14T20:33:00.003-04:00

What is the obsession with garbage disposal needing to be done in a certain way? Why do cities need to be so particular about it? In the past 2 or 3 weeks I have gotten several notices and talking tos about the proper way to get rid of garbage. Whatever happened to leave it on the street on garbage day and somebody takes it?

Now, I know in SW, you need to have all of your garbage in the town approved garbage bin because their garbage trucks double as robots. If your garbage isn't in that bin, facing a certain direction, the arm that comes down from the truck to pick up the bin won't get it. I understand that-- with technology comes great responsibility.

However, in Somerville, there are no gar-bots, but not only do you need to have your trash in bins but also if you have an excess of trash and you run out of bins, your house will get a citation. Not just a shame on you citation, a real one, with money involved. Okay, so what do you do if one day you have more than your share of garbage? Well, you call the city of Somerville (3-1-1) and ask them. After giving all of the information you have about you, where you live, what your concern/issue is, they say: "Okay, I have entered your claim. We'll call you back." Click.

My question was: Where can I dispose of my excess garbage? Is there a dump I can drop it off at? On moving day do they still issue citations for garbage not properly disposed of in garbage bins?

A simple "Here are directions to the dump" or "Buy more bins" was really all it takes. I'd assume if you are answering the phone for the city of Somerville you must have access to these solutions if not in your head than at least at your fingertips. But no, when inquiring about garbage disposal solutions, they'll have to call you back.

So then we decide we would try to find a dump on our own. Nothing is listed on the Somerville and surrounding areas websites and then the internet ceases working. Strike two.

Our landlady suggests we find a house that is already going to get fined for excess garbage and throw it on their pile. Apparently she abides by the rules but doesn't mind watching us break them.

Two doors down we find such a situation. It's a garbage ninja's (that's what we started calling ourselves) heaven--- there are broken pieces of furniture, bags of trash, etc. So, we start discreetly tossing our bags of garbage onto the already mountainous pile. Then, a man comes out onto his porch and says "Hey, are you the girls moving in downstairs?"

Us: "No."
Him: "Well, then what are you doing?"
Me: "Just getting rid of some garbage." (I figure, honesty is the best policy)
Him: 'Why don't you put it in front of your house?"
Us: "Our landlord doesn't want a citation and you are already getting one." (There, we said it.)
Him: "Well, we already have a lot of trash and there is going to be more, so you really can't add to our pile."

Um okay--- so apparently, some people are protective of their illegal piles of garbage. Seriously? What's 6 more bags of garbage on your already gynormous pile? Who are these people?

Finally we debate the prospect of finding an apartment building's dumpster and adding our garbage to that. I call a friend who lives near one, she says that it isn't going to work because we will get in trouble. Commercial ones also won't work, that's illegal. Jokers.

I end up calling my friend Heidi because she is a wealth of information on useful things (she is a real grown-up while I just pretend to be one) and she tells me to just come over and use her garbage bins. So I do. I bring the 6 bags to a friend's garbage bin, no problem.

What kind of a world is where I cannot drive to a dump to drop off garbage? Or leave it on the street in sturdy bags? Or put it in someone else's dumpster? Why does life have to be this hard?

Anyway, today, I walk in my front door to my new building and there is a sign about the proper disposal of trash. In Boston, no bins required, but they must be in black or white sturdy garbage bags (NO GROCERY BAGS), failure to comply with these rules will result in a citation on our landlord. All of my stuff was in garbage bags, so I am a rule abiding citizen... except I haven't put my boxes out. I wonder if because if those are potentially recyclable I can leave a box of boxes out? Or will that be a problem? How can I find this information out? Maybe I can call the city of Boston...oh, right. They'll have to call me back tomorrow.

Misheard, Misunderstood

2008-08-16T20:09:00.002-04:00

Holy mashed potatoes batman, I was just in my car singing along to Murder on the Dance Floor, and I had the sudden realization I have been singing the chorus wrong all these years...... It's not "It's murder on the dance floor, but you better not kill the groom," It's "You better not kill the groove."

Woah, this changes everything. I had imagined that Sophie Ellis-Baxtor was a wedding singer, and there was a disaster (a murder!) on the dance floor at one of the weddings that she was performing at, and she was saying, "Just don't kill the groom... I mean, a murder at a wedding is one thing, but it is best not to ruin it completely by killing off the wedding party as well, least of all not the groom, or bride for that matter. Thanks."

I'm (a) an idiot but (b) secretly like my version of the song better. It is much more interesting in a dramatic kind of way. Would make an excellently twisted music video.

I know, I know, what's wrong with me? I'm sure I don't know.

The Next Comic Standing

2008-07-25T22:48:00.007-04:00

Have any of you watched The Next Comic Standing? I think it needs a name change. It should be called The Next and Last Comic Standing. The whole premise of the show is to get 5 comics to the finals to be judged by America, but they are too busy recapping the Last Comic and previewing the Next Comic for us to even make those decisions. In the middle of the last episode, there was one whole clip sandwiched between commercial breaks that was all about what happened last and what was happening next, with no comedy bits.

I don't know, I guess some people don't have TiVo and they are like fish or dogs with less than 30 second memories or something, but I just saw that and I don't need you to tell me what happened and since there are only 7 people coming up I am guessing one of them is next. I mean, if there was some crazy twist where all of a sudden my phone is ringing and the producers are on the line saying "Jenn we need you to do some stand up on the show" and adding me to the competition then yes, please do let me know. But no, who's next? Oh, one of the seven comics? Really? Shocking. Why didn't you warn me. I went to go make pasta because I thought that it was going to cut to Little House On the Prairie for the next 5 minutes.

Also, has anyone noticed that one of the comics may have changed his name? I swear Jeff Dye used to be called Jack Dye. And I remember this only because I think Jack Dye is handsome and part of his handsomeness was in the name Jack (the other part is in his fluorescent attire). "Jack" is a handsome name. "Jeff" is a crap shoot. I think maybe I heard him say his middle name is "Jackpot" (classy) and that is why sometimes he goes by Jack, but since we are dealing with viewers who can't remember what happened in the last 20 seconds of the show, I don't think it is a good idea to change your name Jack/Jeff. Pick one, go with it, and don't confuse the viewers. Half will try to vote for Jeff, the other half will go with Jack, and it's bad to split your own votes. Yikes. (Note: I did some research and maybe he has always been Jeff. I don't know because I don't have the original episode saved on TiVo, but I swear it said Jack once. I really do. But, I could be wrong, my memory is not so good these days and no one kept me posted. All it would take is a little bit of the following: "Here is Jeff formerly known as Jack and currently known as Jeff but potentially to be known as Jack again shortly" to keep me up to speed on his name). (Second Note: I just found the original clip and yes it says Jeff but it sounds like Jack. So I guess I am a good listener but a bad reader. I think I was distracted by the tall vanilla latte in a bright green shirt).

Last, I missed the episode where Paul Foot got kicked off, and I am sad about Paul Foot leaving but I am not sad I missed the show. I heard Carrot Top was the special guest and I don't really like Carrot Top: (a) he scares me with his crazy hair and crazier eyes and (b) is it really necessary to call yourself "Carrot Top"? Really? Carrots aren't even red.

For those of you who don't know who Paul Foot is or why I like him, here is a clip:

UPDATE: If you watch this video until 4 minutes 40 seconds you will get to his cake bit. Thanks, Brooke!

The Art of Procrastination, by Jenn

2008-06-29T16:50:00.004-04:00

Lately I have found that the only way for me to get things done is to schedule time for it. So today I scheduled time to sort through my clothes and clean my room. I want to get everything organized before I go to Costa Rica so when I come back I can actually enjoy my summer instead of having a messy room that I will have to pack up hanging over my head.

However, my room to me is like a candy store to a kid. It has all kinds of amazing and useless things in it. So far today this what I have done:

1. Sorted through the clothes in my first 5 drawers. The 6th drawer I couldn't reach while laying on my bed, so I didn't get to that one.

2. Had brilliant idea of putting all of my dirty clothes in my laundry basket and clean clothes on my bed. Discovered that my laundry basket was filled with fancy dresses. Tried them all on. Danced around my room to test twirlability of each dress.

3. Skimmed the book on writing a book in a month. Got overwhelmed.

4. Found my journal that has all of my future short story titles in it and tried to determine if any of them could be turned into a book. Decided that short story titles really can only one day become short stories. Thought about writing a book of short stories. Wondered if that would qualify for writing a book in a month.

5. Doodled images of owls.

6. Sharpened a new number 1 pencil, "just in case."

7. Found a half drank bottle of root beer (diet). Tasted it. Flat and warm, just the way I like it.

8. Looked for motivation under my bed. Instead found a kit that teaches one how to make friendship bracelets. Thought about making one. Decided against it. Remembered that I had a kit that would teach me the art of Chinese brush painting. Looked for that. Found it on the top shelf of my closet. Too high up to reach and my chair was covered in stuff, so instead I read a few short stories in a book of short stories.

9. Stripped the sheets off my bed, then took a short nap on the bare mattress.

10. Made a "Cleaning Playlist" for my iPod. Synchronized my iPod. Listened to Playlist. Didn't like it. Rearranged the order. Resynched. Liked it.

11. Spotted the belated birthday present I bought for my roommate Liz. Wrapped it so it looked like a cupcake using only tape and tissue paper.

12. Started sorting through my mail. Then started reading my mail. Read the March issue of Martha Stewart Living. Remembered that the only reason why I get Martha Stewart Living is because Blueprint was cancelled. Got annoyed. Read back issues of Blueprint.

13. Remembered a conversation I had with a colleague about whether or not is was environmentally responsible to travel by stretch hummer instead of a cab. Researched the MPG of a stretch hummer and compared it with the MPG of an ordinary Boston cab. Calculated that our stretch hummer which was used to transport 20 people from EF to the restaurant used twice as much gas as one cab would have. However, one cab couldn't hold 20 people, so we would have needed 5 cabs, so in the end we saved .3 gallon of gas by taking the stretch hummer.

14. Realized it was 5pm and that my room was actually messier than when I started, my bed was unmade, and that I had wasted over 5 hours of my time. Wrote this post.

THE END

Who doesn't love Dyson?

2008-06-28T17:50:00.002-04:00

Woah, I am totally obsessed with Dyson vacuums. I really wish I had one. Is anyone else with me on this one? If I had a spare $400+ and the need for a really fancy vacuum, I'd totally buy a Dyson. Move over Hoover, you are toast. There's a new vacuum in town and it is the Dyson Ball. It turns on a dime and never loses suction. The increased maneuverability is due to the motor inside the ball, giving it a lower of center of gravity (genius) and the incredible amount of suction occurs because of the Dyson patented root cyclone technology. I find this amazing.

I think the reason why I am fascinated with Dyson vacuums is the commercials. First of all, they star the inventor himself, and he is so passionate about suction that he actually makes me want to be passionate about vacuum suction. I truly believe that if you are passionate about what you do, then that passion can extend to anyone you talk to. That's why infomercials work so well.

My newfound passion about suction actually extends to hand dryer suction as well. Have you seen the Dyson Airblade? It is the most amazing hand dryer in the universe. Watching the commercial for the Airblade makes me want to purchase one. For the apartment I rent. Yup, that's right. I want to buy a hand dryer for my rented apartment's bathroom. Like that makes any sense.

Watch the commercial below at your own risk. It could make you spend lots of money on suction:

The I Hate Lisa Club official as of Wednesday night

2008-05-29T18:04:00.001-04:00

Everywhere, USA- Viewers of Bravo’s hit reality program Top Chef bleched, blehhed and auuuuuuggghhed in unison last night after the airing of its most recent episode when it was determined that “Moana” Lisa would remain on the show for yet another day. Instead, Spike “Both my grandfathers were butchers and I like hats” Mendelsohn was voted out of the mansion and back to his real life as a fancy shmancy Chef de Cuisine in Tribeca. After the booing died down across the country (11pm Eastern, 10 pm Central) it was decided that an un-fan club needed to be formed, later dubbed the I Hate Lisa Club.

Members of the newfound club voiced their concerns that Lisa remains on the show because she is rude, obnoxious, loud, and ugly among other things and all of this makes for good TV. They feel as though keeping a character like Lisa on and into the final four sacrifices the high standards the show has been known for in the past. Is this not a competition among the best chefs in the country and shouldn’t the best be given an opportunity to win--- instead, Bravo appears to allow crazy-psychos stay on the show for a few measly ratings.

It’s true. I plan to watch the show mainly because I want to see which of the final 3 will punch Lisa in the face first. I also have been dying for a new bacon recipe, and since that is Lisa’s specialty I am hoping she will make it several more times so I can get a recipe off of this travesty at least. Oh wait, I don’t need a recipe to make BACON. Silly me. Maybe I will whip up some peanut butter mashed potatoes tonight because THAT SOUNDS APPETIZING.

Moving on and away from the fake news story format, I just have to say, what is the deal with keeping Lisa on the show? Come on! I know Spike isn’t a fan favorite either, but you can tell he has good skills. And he wears cool hats. And he is easier on the eyes than Lisa. He won the quick fire by making lollipop chops, didn’t he? I mean, Lisa has been on the chopping block for the past few weeks and every week I sit on my couch and hope and pray and wish and hope and wish and pray for Lisa to get told to pack her knives and go and it NEVER happens. Instead, she has one redeeming quality or she throws her friends (yeah, they are her friends because she wants to ‘keep in touch no matter what happens’—um, no one is going to keep in touch with you Lisa because you are evil and mean) under the bus and then someone who is far more talented than she is gets kicked off. Gross.

If you are interested in joining the I Hate Lisa Club, please send a check or money order to me at my address for $19.95 plus shipping and handling and I will send you this lovely t-shirt.

Road Rage Cured By Insane Amounts of Traffic

2008-03-23T23:23:00.005-04:00

Somewhere between South Windsor, CT and Somerville, MA, the disease I previously thought to be terminal- the strain of intense anger known as Massholitis Road Ragemonia, which causes inexplicable flare ups of unreasonable bouts of madness while driving- ceased to exist within my system.

At exit 72 on route 84, when traffic screeched to a halt at 7:50pm on Sunday night, I thought for sure I would fly off the handle if I was forced to drive bumper to bumper with the world's worst drivers (The Moms and The Dads who drop their kids off at college after Easter/Spring Break) at 20 mph for the next 5 minutes. After following an idiot- no, make that a stupidiot- who preferred to chat with his friends instead of paying attention to the road forcing me to downshift unnecessarily 6 or 7 or 100 times, I waited for my blood to begin boiling. When I had gone only 7 miles in 30 minutes, and was only at Charleton Plaza(CHARLETON PLAZA) almost 2 hours into my journey, mainly due to the fact that nobody knows how to merge or pick up toll tickets in a quick and speedy manner, I expected the feeling of uncontrollable anger to take over my system in the form of laying my hand on the horn for 15 minutes straight, but that feeling never came.

Instead, I found myself looking at the positive side of things. It's not every day I get to practice driving in such horrendous traffic with such irresponsible drivers! After getting through the worst of it, I gave myself seventeen pats on the back and one high five (even though high fives aren't my style) because I did such a fantastic job coasting easily through the jam.

I also took advantage of the additional time I was in the car. That mix CD I made before I went home for Easter on Saturday? I now know the lyrics to every song, including "You Can Call Me Al." I am bringing up "You Can Call Me Al" specifically, because this is a song I have liked for many years, not because of the content of the lyrics or even the catchy tune but because I always found the music video hysterical. Tonight, for the first time ever, I actually took the time to listen to the words of the song, because I realized I only knew the first part and the chorus and during the rest of it I would hum along and wait until the "Na-na-na---na!" part. Do you know what I discovered after listening to this song repeatedly? The words make NO sense AT ALL.

When I finally made it home, I went immediately to my mactop to look up the meaning of the lyrics. The only tidbit of information Wikipedia gave me was this: "The names in the song came from an incident at a party that Simon went to with his wife Peggy Harper. The host of the party called Paul "Al", and Peggy "Betty", inspiring Simon to write a song." Well, Wiki, that doesn't nearly explain who the man is who walks down the street, soft in the middle and short of attention span who needs a photo opportunity and is worried about ending up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard. Why did his role model disappear with a roly poly bat-faced girl? How did he end up in a strange world (maybe it is the third world) without currency?

Actually, Wiki, the only part I didn't question was the chorus, because I figured that if you'll be my bodyguard then I'll be your long lost pal. I can call you Betty, and Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al.

I don't even know what this post is about anymore, but here is the video:

Horatio Caine: The new Chuck Norris?

2008-03-13T21:04:00.004-04:00

Lately, I have become a little obsessed with CSI: Miami. I know, I know, I know, I know- that is a completely lame-o thing to say. But, what I am going to say next is even more lame than the fact that I like CSI: Miami (by and far nationally known as the CSI show with the least depth and with the most ridiculous plot lines), I love love love the character Horatio Caine.

Yes, Horatio Caine is the over-dramatic, not handsome (unless you like that sort of thing), redheaded (in Miami? How does he not have a sunburn all the time?), sunglass sporting, catch-phrase spouting, crime scene investigator. He is the head of his operation and does a mighty fine job.

Since I have started watching CSI: Miami (on A&E-- I don't watch new episodes; I prefer to watch reruns out of order so I can piece together the puzzle that is the drama of this show) I have come to the conclusion that Horatio Caine is the new Chuck Norris.

For starters, we need a replacement Chuck Norris. It has come to the point in time where drop kicking everything is starting to get old. Yes, I love the Chuck Norris anecdotes that are out there on the world wide web, but what we truly need is fresh meat. I nominate Horatio Caine, or H, as I fondly refer to him as, to step up to the plate. (H doesn't step up to the plate, actually, the plate steps up to him).

Horatio has what it takes to be the next Chuck Norris phenomena. He is dramatic. He wears sunglasses. He is so intimidating that he can say something like "See you later.... alligator" and make your hair curl. He stands on the top of buildings to survey the crime scene. He flies to Rio to avenge his brother and wife when the need arises.

Not only does he have intimidation down pat, he has a team of followers who are willing to support him on his journey of being the most redheaded, most dramatic CSI in the history of CSIs.

Finally, Chuck Norris is a redhead, so it only natural for him to be replaced by another redhead. It just makes sense. I wouldn't replace an apple with an orange, ya know?

In case you still weren't sure if Horatio Caine could be the new Chuck Norris, here are a few H facts for you to nibble on (mostly courtesy of my friend Heidi- a secret Horatio Caine impersonator- although yours truly did indeed come up with the last one).

There is no control button on Horatio Caine's computer. Horatio Caine is ALWAYS in control.
Horatio Caine has destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Horatio Caine doesn't listen to music. Music listens to Horatio Caine.

In conclusion, if you are reading this and you have no idea what I am talking about, feast your eyes on the ultimate montage of Horatio Caine-isms:

And if you still aren't convinced, check out the sunglasses reel:

I think I made my point. 'Nuff said.

Why trying to meet a guy in Boston is like being on Rock of Love

2008-03-02T21:21:00.009-05:00

Those of you who knew VH1 when it was still "Video Hits One" or even when it was referred to as "Music First" would be surprised to know it is now the place where washed up celebs go to star in their own reality TV shows. I'm not exaggerating. I watched VH1 for a few hours yesterday and did not see a single video hit. Not a one. I did, however, see Scott Baio and the actor who played Peter from the Brady Bunch.

Anyway, while I was watching what turned into a VH1 marathon session, I began to come to a few conclusions as to why the dating scene in Boston is so messed up. Why? All of the guys in Boston seem to think they are participating in the VH1 reality program Rock of Love.

Oh, you've never seen Rock of Love? Let me fill you in on the deets. It is basically a rock music inspired version of The Bachelor with Bret Michaels as the bachelor and a lot of girls all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed vying for the part of his future girlfriend. Instead of roses, at the end of every episode he hands out back stage passes and says "Will you stay here and continue to rock my world?" (Some of you may ask, 'who is Bret Michaels?' And although it has been posed 'Does anyone really know Bret Michaels?' the easy answer is that he is the former lead vocalist of the band Poison).

Here is how the Boston bar scene is like any episode of Rock of Love:

1. The Chase (or lack thereof). The guys just have to sit back and relax while the girls come to them. In any given bar in Boston on a Friday night, you will witness this phenomena. Like on Rock of Love, it doesn't matter what you look like if you are male- you could be a long locked, long lashed, bandanna wearing former lead singer of a band that I had to wikipedia to remember- and still have skinny girls in sparkly tops lined up in the hopes of getting your number.

2. The Competition. You might think talent shows and high kick competitions are limited to reality TV dating programs, but you are wrong. Have you heard of Karaoke night? What about dance-offs? Even twirling and mom-dancing aren't innocent moves. These are all ways the young ladies try to hook the young gentlemen. In real life, though, just as in TV, you need not be the best singer or the nicest person to win a date. I thought for surezies that Inna was toast because she was "rude to [my guest] Joan, and that is just disrespectful" but in the end Bret Michaels kept her on anyway.

3. The Drama. We like to blame the producers of the aforementioned reality TV show for keeping the drama queens on the program week after week after week. I mean, it does give us something to discuss the next morning at the water cooler if the "roller coaster of drama" is kept on even after Bret mislead us by saying "I like crazy girls, but this girl might be too crazy even for me." Come on. It's not the producers who want to keep Kristy Joe on the show, it is Bret Michaels himself. Bret, you wear mascara and I am pretty sure you make extra cash by being a hair model for Pantene, but I know your type. I'm almost a hundred percent wiki-certain that you used to blow up cars on stages for a living so I am confident that the fact Kristy Joe is a little melodramatic won't cramp your style. Boston men like drama, too. They aren't going to choose the wallflowers or the shrinking violets. No no no. They are going to choose the tall brunette who is having fun dancing with every guy while simultaneously looking mysterious with smoky eyes and choreographed hair flips... even though her ridiculously long nails reek of high maintenance and she didn't tip the bartender because he did not shake her cocktail with the proper amount of 'oompf.'

4. The Final Decision. That's as serious as it sounds. We all witnessed Bret this past week as he had to make the hard choice on who to send away. To quote Mr. Michaels himself: "I now need to shut down, go to my room, be alone, and think about this. Because somebody is going home." It is as though he is surprised he has to let someone go and he can't have them all "stay here and continue to rock [his] world." In Boston, most guys are shocked at the end of the night when the lights come on, the music turns off, and they are faced with sweaty girls and their surprisingly poor complexions with whom they have been flirting all night and now they have to decide whose number to ask for.

All in all, I'd say Rock of Love and the Boston bar scene are spitting images of each other. In either 4 years or 20 minutes from now, the whole concept of "I like you, you like me, let's get coffee" is going to become obsolete. Instead, we will be forced to mingle amongst our peers while being judged from afar on the length of our hair, the amount of sparkle in our eyes, and whether or not we can sing the Star Spangled Banner without using a cheat sheet. Only the lucky few will be plucked from the throngs to live in the promised land with Bret Michaels, where we will continue to rock his world.

Hello, Awesome

2008-02-22T18:38:00.003-05:00

This is my dream staircase. One day, when I own a home, it will contain one of these bookstaircases. And you will be jealous.

Honk-U

2008-02-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I thought Stacey had the worst road rage. This was before I was a regular driver in the greater Boston area. Now, I too, am faced with battling the long and short term effects of road rage every time I get in my car.

Here's why:

Greater Boston area drivers think the blinker is optional. It is not. Get with the program people! If you are going to turn, switch lanes, or cut someone off, please do the courteous thing and signal. The lack of using the turn signal is the number one reason why the nickname 'Masshole' exists.

Drivers 'round here have no idea which lane to be in. Now, part of this is the fault of the incredibly stupid roads and the lack of signage. However, sometimes it is quite clear what lane you should be in and yet the drivers still don't get it. Example: if there are two left turning lanes, and you look ahead and see the road you are turning left onto immediately forks, choose the left turning lane that is on the side of the road you will need to be when it splits up ahead. Don't get in the wrong one and assume the person next to you is going to let you in when you come to the realization you are an idiot.

My other favorite are the people who straddle two lanes. Get a clue, Mass driver. There are two or three lanes for reasons. They all serve a purpose. Some are turning lanes, some are passing lanes, some are for going straight. You can't have be in all of them because that annoys me.

Honking (this is a two-parter):

In Driver's Ed close to 10 years ago, I learned that honking was a tool you could use to alert someone of something that can be prevented. For instance, if someone is pulling out and you can stop them from hitting you by honking, knock yourself out. It is not meant to say "Hey, I hate you!" or "I am in a hurry, here!" (Unless of course, you have a car sitting idly in the middle of the road. In this case, honk away my friends, honk your little heart out.)

It is not okay to honk at someone who is trying to turn left into traffic and can't because cars are coming or if the light just turned green and they aren't going fast enough for you. That's just rude. We all know everyone is in a hurry; honking doesn't help. In those cases, I really wish I had a rear honk. A noise that came out of the back of the car to respond to unacceptable honkers behind you. Then, maybe impatient drivers would hold their honks. Or, more realistically, the world will become a louder place.

To combat the crippling effects of road rage, I have heard that poetry helps:

Hey! You cut me off!
Do you know how to use your
turn signal, dummy?

You might have plates from
another state but that does
not mean you hog lanes

Honk at me from the
behind and I will get you
back when it is time

Katherine Elisabeth

2008-02-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

I an officially an aunt to the world's cutest baby. She has Stacey's long toes and we can only wait to see if she will have long monkey arms, too. Katie, don't worry if you do. It is not a bad thing. Many, many times a day I wish I had monkey arms. They would save me the trouble of climbing on chairs and counter tops to get things. We are so happy to have Katie in our family now! (I, for one, can't wait to spoil her with girly things. No more gender neutral clothing and accessories!)

Here she is:

I'm funnier than you

2008-01-20T19:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been talking to someone and you see his/her eyes glaze over and you know that person is not listening to you anymore but simply nodding and smiling along with your story, laughing at the right moments and trying so hard to look engaged? Recently, I've been doing that a lot to others. I just can't seem to listen to anyone's stories besides my own. Obviously, I feel really guilty about this because I am known for my ridiculously long stories that no one can follow and have no point. So I should probably try to listen when other people are basically doing what I do to them. But no, instead I wait until that perfect moment to share my funnier, smarter, better story.

It is like I am constantly trying to one-up everyone all of the time.

Oh, you slipped on the ice and got laughed at by a woman crossing the street?

Me, I slipped on the ice, fell into a puddle, and while still flat on my back in the middle of the road I got beeped at by a car that was trying to pass.

See how my story was better?

Your roommates are weird? Mine are weirder. And I will tell you why with the help of a power point presentation and pictures posted on Facebook.

I don't know what has gotten into me. I have turned into a completely ego-centric person. Probably when my sister has her baby, I will write a blog about my adventure getting home or how I won the baby pool... twice. (February 2nd suckers!)

Hopefully I will get over this phase soon. I don't really like being so self absorbed, but I can't seem to control it. I caught myself describing my favorite commercial in detail to a couple of colleagues the other day. (It is a really funny commercial. It is for the new AT&T and it has this tall blond man named Sven in it, and he wakes up the family, sets up their schedule, keeps everyone informed of their missed calls and emails, and at the end hands out giant sweaters like the one he is wearing and tells them to 'bundle up.' Every time i see it, I backwards bloop bloop on TiVo just so I can get a second showing. I am addicted to Sven.) But the point is--- it is a TV advertisement, not breaking news about Jamie Lynn's pregnancy or the score of whatever important football game was on on Sunday. There is no need for me to share it with co-workers over the water cooler. It's like I need a slap on the face that says "Get a life, Jenn." I bet Sven would do that for me. Seriously. See how helpful he would be in my life? He could say things like "You have been speaking for 42 minutes" or "Your friend wants to talk now" to keep me on track. (I told you I was obsessed).

Since there is no chance that Sven will show up on my doorstep to keep me in line, I will have to do it myself. This has got to stop. I am not going to add it to my list, but I will try very very hard anyway.

Vegetarian Attempt

2008-01-06T19:43:00.000-05:00

While I am writing this, I am eating a cobb salad. With Chicken. So I think you know where this blog is going.

I did indeed make my attempt at being a Vegetarian. I didn't eat meat all week, even when I went to the Cheesecake Factory and all of the things I love were either burgers, chicken, or meatloaf. I got Evelyn's favorite pasta, and it was actually quite yummy and healthy, although the eggplant chunks were a little large.

But then, I started thinking to myself, why am I doing this? The reason why I wanted to stop eating meat was because every time I am in CT with the fam, we eat meat every night and by the end of my stay, I feel bad for the cows that we have eaten. I am not sure why I feel bad for the cow, but once you feel bad for the cow, you can't eat the cow and really enjoy it. Then, I thought, if I feel bad for the cow, why don't I feel bad for the chicken or the pig? Since I am not discriminatory of animals, I felt like I should feel guilty about eating all living things. So that's when I thought I should be a vegetarian.

Well, you know what? Sometimes, I feel like eating meat. And I am going to eat it. Instead of being a vegetarian, I am going to eat less meat, and only when it is really delicious. This way, I don't waste meat eating on non-delicious meat. I might go straight-up vegetarian later this year, but for now, that is my meat eating policy.

Meanwhile, today I was making my healthy menu for the week, and here is what it is:

Breakfast: every other day, grapenuts hot. On the other days, a Turkish breakfast of: yogurt with honey, pomegranate (and grapenuts, they aren't Turkish, but I love them), Orange wedges and olives on the side OR ricotta with tomatoes.

Lunch: Roasted veggie pitas with hummus or salad. Sides of string cheese or laughing cow, sugar free/fat free pudding or jello, Fruit.

Dinners: Chickpea stew, Ribollita, or Salad (depending on the lunch). (I usually only make a big batch of something, and then repeat during the week). Pasta will probably happen one night. Maybe pizza.

So, yeah, that's a vegetarian menu. I guess I don't know what I am planning to be anymore. I am going to make like a Calvin Klein ad and just be.

Updates

2007-12-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

Yikes, 2007 is almost over and so now it is time to evaluate the end of the year and look forward to the next one. There were a lot of things I didn't do, so this year, the To-Do List is going to have a deadline. I am going to try to achieve all of the things on The List by the end of the year. Yup, that's right. Before 2009. See the new list to the right and wish me luck!

(In other news, the car search is over! I found and bought a used 1999 Jetta. After a 5 minute tutorial on how to drive stick, many attempts out on the road by myself, and quite a few scary moments, I now consider myself an expert driver of the vehicle and I love it. Hooray!)

Survey

2007-11-28T18:21:00.000-05:00

I'd say the number one response I have gotten from the previous post is everyone I know laughing at the words "junking out." I was told that "pigging out" is more common in American slang. This was interesting to me, because I am pretty sure I have used "junking out", "junked out", and "junk out" to express the concept of over-eating junk food my entire life. So, I ran a completely unscientific poll of my friends and random people I work with to determine what they thought on the matter.

Only 2 out of 7 people expressed that they had never heard of the terms junking out unprompted
The other 5 people did not question the term junking out until the topic was raised by the surveyer.
7 out of 7 people eventually expressed that junking out is not a common phrase in the English language.
1 out of 7 people surveyed say things like "Hog Heaven" in daily conversation.

I felt like the results to this survey were inconclusive, so I then researched it on the internet. Wikipedia has no entry for this combination of the words "junk" and "out". Urban Dictionary also does not have an entry. After striking out on those two sources, I gave up.

Turns out, junking out must only be something my family uses/does. I find it more PC than pigging out-- I wouldn't want the local swine to get a complex regarding their consumption habits, would you?

In other news, I left my computer power cord at my parents house, so my novel will have to be finished in December. Also, it has been determined that the internet on my computer is indeed different than the internet on the computer I am using right now. I am serious. It really really is.

Junking Out and Gripes of Odd People

2007-11-25T21:13:00.000-05:00

Some of you may know the terms "junking out" to mean: stuff your face until you feel sick to your stomach with the most unhealthy, over-processed foods available on the Planet Earth. My mom thinks it means eating half a box of whole wheat crackers with hummus. Or, on another day, it could be eating 2 slices of whole-grain bread with olive oil. True story.

The point of that little nugget of information about my mom is that she is a weirdo. Not in the sense of the creepy-lady-who-lives-next-door-and-you-are-afraid-to-eat-the-cookies-
she-baked-herself kind of weirdo, but the a-little-off-her-rocker-yet-she-looks-so-hip-and-young-and-I-don't-know-
what-to-think weirdo.

Anyway, my mom sends me ideas of what to post here and the latest two ideas she told me I should write about in a post called "Gripes of Odd People or something."

I read her gripes, and I thought they were worth noting:

Gripe Number 1: Baggers at the grocery store.
You know those earth-friendly reusable bags you can now purchase for about a dollar or so at the grocery store? Well, my mom bought a few of those so she could do her part in saving our glorious planet and at the end of one of her latest trips to the grocery store she whipped those bad boys out only for them to be filled with just a few items. So, my mom posed the question to me (and all of you) about why bother with these eco-friendly bags when they are only going to fill them part-way? And maybe, baggers need to go through more extensive training. Here are my thoughts:

Yes, mom, you are absolutely correct. There is no point in filling a reusable earth friendly bag only half full just as there is no reason to plant only half a tree (just trunk, no leaves) or write only half a novel. As for baggers not having enough training? Hmm.. Let me ponder this one a bit more. I am sure that the 16 year old boy who lives in Winchester and works at the Shaw's and makes minimum wage would be happy to spend his Sunday night not watching Blade Runner in his friend's basement but learning the art of bagging groceries. I am sure this young chap would find it such a useful skill, much more important than how to post a successful Onion personal ad. But, if it were the case that they gave extra training on how to properly bag groceries, I do hope they mention that heavy items should go on the bottom, and bread should go on the top. It always frosts my cookies when I find smushed bread under a can of tomatoes in my pink (yup, my reusable tote is not only earth friendly, but the dollar spent on it went to cancer research) eco-bag.

Gripe number 2: Lack of garbage receptacles in Nevers Park in the fall/winter.
According to my mom, there used to be trash bins in the park, now there are none. My mom claims that "dogs still poop in the fall and winter" and people still "eat food? drink coffee?!" in the fall and winter and "yet the trash barrels are gone."

The HORROR! I cannot believe the Town of South Windsor would remove the trash barrels in the park. What is their reasoning? I am likely to believe that it is all a conspiracy against my mom and her needs, however, I have to wonder... Do dogs really still poop in the winter? And do people still eat food and drink coffee in the park? I can't be sure. On this one, I think it is a toss up. Maybe they were correct to remove unnecessary trash bins because maybe people and dogs hibernate in the winter and don't use the park as their own personal toilets and garbage bins.

In other news, I am still 48,000 words behind on my novel writing. But, I did come up with a way to complete my last item on the to-do-list. It involves Christmas tree lights and ingenuity. Details on that will come one week and 48,000 words later.

Cheers,
J to the E-N-N

Writer's Block Thoughts and Stuff

2007-11-25T21:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so one of the helpful hints to get through this month of torturous writing hell is just to write anything and everything even if it is nothing. So, I am taking a momentary break from my 20 day writer's block and writing a post. I came on here to write a post and I need to get it out of my system. I think it will help me flow the creative juices and get 8,000 words out of my system all nice and easy-peasy, whatever that means.

New post coming momentarily. This update was for all of you who check my blog by the minute and need by the minute updates.

NaNoWri NO MORE

2007-11-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a month (26 days?) and the reason I have been giving for my lack of updates is that fact that it is currently National Novel Writing Month and I have been working hard on my novel. The truth is, I wrote about 2,000 amazing words in the first week and since then have quit. I didn't quit in spirit until today when I realized I would not be able to write 9,600 words per day for the next five days...

Hold that thought- I am not quitting this thing. Nine thousand six hundred words per day is nothing. I can totally do this! I am an expert procrastinator and I should just get cracking. In fact, I wasn't even counting today when I calculated that number. So it is really 8,000 words per day. Ha ha ha ha ha. And I was going to quit. Silly me.

Cargo pants are for suckers

2007-10-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, please don't take offense to that statement, you cargo pant wearers and lovers. I myself have been known to wear cargo things every once and a while, and there is something to be said about someone who can pull off cargos and heels. However, when you think about cargo pants and witness them in action, you start to realize how ridiculous they are.

While waiting for the bus (the time of day when everything amazing happens), I saw a young man running. The only reason I even noticed him at all was because he was wearing cargos and converse, a fairly typical combination in SoVi. What was funny is that his pockets were packed so chock full of stuff that he ran the full pockets bounced in the wind. It looked pretty uncomfortable. [I am pretty sure one pocket was full of quarters. I'd say he was on his way to the laundromat, but he didn't have any laundry. If he ran fast enough and long enough, the tension of the quarters against the khaki material would rip the seams and loose change would rain from the sky. It would be how I'd imagine winning the lottery would feel like. Except with hard painful quarters that pelt your face and end up adding to a total of $37 instead of millions of hundred dollar bills.]

Thus, it was realized that cargo pants are silly. They have these giant pockets , but can you really use them to their full potential? No. I've seen cargos that have pockets that could hold a small pair of shoes, but that would be ridiculous however handy it may seem. I would love to throw my spare pair of flats in my pocket, but then I would have a pair of shoes in my pocket.

Also, the location of the pockets are generally pretty awkward. The pockets are down on your ankle- maybe if you are lucky, closer to the knee or thigh- but you can't reach into them easily. So sure, you can stow your cell phone down in your ankle pocket, but try and reach that quickly if it rings.

Don't get me wrong- I love miscellaneous useless pockets on my clothing. In fact, I buy clothing that have pockets that go unused the same way I buy shirts that have hoods that I never wear. But, if you are a person who thinks you are buying cargo pants for the purpose of being able to carry around all sorts of things [including but not limited to: keys, phones, travel scrabble, flip flops, candy canes, cigarettes, altoids, kleenex, garden gnomes, nail files, and bottles of beers] in your pockets, then, you are a sucker, my friend. Don't say I didn't warn you.

NaNoWriMo

2007-10-14T23:50:00.001-04:00

Okay, I officially signed up to write a novel during the month of November. I am taking ideas now starting now.

P.S. Sorry I haven't written in a while. To tide you over, here are a few answers to a few questions. (This is for you, Heidi!)

1. What is your favorite word? Jokers!2. What is your least favorite word? mucus.3. What turns you on? Smart people but not so smart that they are too smart to be social. Also, funny people. Also, nice arms. 4. What turns you off? Stupidiots. This is short for Stupid Idiots. The worst kind of idiot is a stupid one. What?5. What is your favorite curse word? Jokers!6. What sound or noise do you love? The ocean crashing on the shore. But not in a scary way like tsunamis. 7. What sound or noise do you hate? Nails on a chalkboard or anything similar. Like teeth on forks. Or in that scene in Spider-Man 2 when Doc Oc is on the operating table and then the arms have a mind of their own and they freak out and one of the doctor's nails are against the wall and it is the worst sound ever and just thinking about it makes me cringe.8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would love to be a writer. If I could finish a book and get it published and have it be successful then I would be the happiest girl in the world because then I wouldn't have to have a boss other than myself and I could sit in coffee shops all day and be mysterious. We'll see how November goes.9. What profession would you not like to do? School Custodian. Not because I don't like kids, but because I don't like vomit. Once this kid in my 7th grade math class puked all over the floor directly in front of the door. Class was ending, and so we had to do split leaps over the puddle of barf. It was disgusting shit.10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I believe in reincarnation, so I hope I come back as a well cared for golden retriever. Or a better version of myself. Or a princess. I always wanted to be royalty.

P.S.S. Brooke wanted me to let all of you know I am really lucky. We went and saw Regina Spektor and we had front row seats. Yeah that's right. And they were a last minute purchase. So, no, it doesn't always pay to buy early. Sometimes you should buy the day before and get really awesome seats for cheap. Good story. Good times.

Update Shmupdate

2007-09-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't gotten very far in the list. Thank goodness I had no deadline.

Here are the details:

1. Learn to Surf: Not done. There are many obstacles to getting this done (No waves, no surfboard, no skilled handsome surfing teacher). However, Liz and I may or may not be going to Costa Rica sometime soon so then I will learn how to surf.

2. Grow a plant before killing it. This one I am happy to report is complete. I did indeed grow plants. Then I killed them. Yup, I killed the plants. But at least they sprouted this time versus times 0 and negative 1. So number 2, done. No overachieving required, my days of an apartment gardener are currently suspended.

3. Learn to play electric guitar and/or drums. Ha. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, not even started.

4. Learn to draw again (and keep drawing). I haven't kept drawing, but I am going to draw some more tomorrow. Maybe. Hopefully. Probably not.

5. Go one month without buying shoes. Complete! I haven't bought shoes in ages. Aces. (I tried to buy shoes today with no avail).

6. Experiment with sugar art. Still looking for silicone gloves. Once I have those I will be golden and the sugar art experimentation will be under way. Also, right now our kitchen is otherwise occupied with Lauren's wedding cake preparations.

7. Write something and get it published somewhere. I am going to pat myself on the back for this one. Yes, I did indeed get a freelance job to write an article for an online magazine. It is an unpaid gig but it is for real editors (not fake ones) so I think this can count for number 7 once I do it. Smartly, they are not giving me a deadline so I haven't started yet. I have been busy, what can I say. I have to call one of the editors tomorrow to discuss details. Consider this one a work in progress.

8. Run a 5k in less than 30 minutes. After work tomorrow I am going to go for a run. We will see how that goes.

9. Get crafty and profit from it. I have an Etsy website with nothing on it. I am going to start making stuff soon, then I will share the website with you and hopefully all of you will buy something. Or better, you can all just pay me money and I will say it is because I am crafty. What- you want something in exchange for your money? No that's not how this works. We will call it a crafty tax that you are required to pay me because I am crafty. Right.

Completed items on the to-do list: 2, 5, and half of 4. I think I am doing well, considering. (Considering what, I am sure I don't know).

Jenns

2007-09-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

Today I made the mistake of going shopping for some new fall clothes. I wanted a new pair of jeans because I realized I have 3 pairs that I wear and 2 of those were actually really ratty and at any moment could become not wearable and then what would I do on casual Fridays?

So, I went to my normal stores and all of the short/ankle length jeans just seemed a lot longer than normal. Like, so long that when I stood on my tippy toes I still had at least 2 inches that were dragging on the ground. Yes, I know I can get things tailored, but I always feel that once jeans get hemmed they lose a little something. I mean, anyone can tell that they have been tailored, plus the proportions are all wrong.

Anyway, I decided that if I ever become wealthy enough, I will put some money to work with somebody who knows something about designing jeans and will get them to design a line of jeans that has sizes in measurements instead of arbitrary numbers. I mean, men's jeans are measured out by waist and inseam, why can't women's? My line of jeans will also include thigh measurements because we all know some women don't have thighs and some of us do. But that doesn't mean if we have large thighs we have large waistlines and are tall and vice versa.

Last, I have come up with a name for my new denim pant (or trousers, Diane) line: Jenns.

Yup, that's right, I am so self-absorbed I have to name them after myself. Also, I think it will be really easy for people to switch over from Jeans to Jenns. "I need to go pick up a new pair of Jenns." "How does my butt look in these Jenns?" Etc.

Brilliant.

Fafarazzi

2007-09-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

Have I ever mentioned I like reading about celebrities? I get a weird sense of joy when I open up The Superficial pages every day when I am bored at work. I love to see who did what stupid thing and how they are going to be made fun of that day. Since I am not the only one with this ridiculous obsession, some friends and I joined a Celebrity Fantasy League. We each have teams of celebrities and the celebrities earn points for the team by getting publicity (good or bad). I would love to take the rest of this post space bragging about what amazingly terrible celebrities I got and how they are going to lead me to victory but the truth is my team has been bouncing around in the bottom half of the rankings. I am lucky enough to be currently number 5 (out of 9) but I have slipped as low as 8th and in 5 minutes I could drop down to last depending on what happens.

The reality of the situation is that my celebrities are underachievers. They do not have their eye on the game. I don't know what they are thinking, but none of them have managed to get an ounce of publicity on their own this past week. Here's who I am stuck with:

Jessica Simpson. Here I thought she would be my golden star, my quarterback if you will and if I knew a thing about football. But no. The only publicity she has managed to get is by dragging on the coattails or should I say hair extensions of Britney Spears. Apparently, Ms. Simspon allowed Ms. Spears to borrow her personal hairstylist and extension wizard Ken Paves before the VMAs. As we all well recall Brit had an incident where she went crazy and shaved her head. It was so sweet of dear Jessie to loan Brittie her Ken-doll Paves so she could look like her old self for the performance. However, Britney, being the psycopath that she is, apparently had a tiff just before the show with Ken and thus the was the cause (or one of the many causes) of the disaster VMA perfomance. Since crazy Britney is not on my team, I am stuck collecting the leftover points whenever the Britney/Ken Paves incident is recalled and Jessica's act of kindness is mentioned. Jessica- maybe you should get pregnant with Ken Paves baby ASAP instead of waiting six months. Then I'd get all the points.

I also have Jessica's Ex Nick Lachey, whose name is only mentioned when the rumors fly about Jessica trying to have a baby with Kenneth, and apparently he is going to open some restaurant with Nicky Hilton and Wilmer Valderrama. But no one cares about that. He's earned me two points. Jokers.

My surprise rising star has been Ryan Seacrest. That's mainly because Simon Cowell criticized him in regards to the Emmy's and because he has a radio show where he interviews a lot of cooler celebrities. So, basically, all Seacrest has to do is say "Seacrest...Out" a lot and invite celebrities to come on his show and he will continue to earn me points.

I also have ex-couple Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Unfortunately, there haven't been any public fights or airing of dirty laundry between them. The only remotely exciting thing that has happened is that Heath was spotted making out with an older woman. Who cares. Poor Michelle Williams. All anyone ever knew her for was her attachment to Heath and the fact she played Jen Lindley on Dawson's Creek. Now what is she going to do? I always thought she had weird teeth that looked covered in vaseline so I am not sure how far she will make it in Hollywood alone.

Zac Efron (a) spells his name weird and (b) doesn't do anything except be remotely connected to Vanessa Hudgens who took naked pictures of herself for him. There are only so many ways you can rewrite that story, so 'nuff said.

I thought I would rack up quite a bit of points due to my team member Owen Wilson's depression, former drug addiction, and attempt at ending his life, but first I feel bad wishing him to continue on the downward spiral so I can earn more Fafa points, but second I really like Owen Wilson. I feel like he has got to be a really nice guy. So maybe, he will get some publicity for something really good instead of depressing sadness.

I recently added Avril Lavigne on my team because she is always saying stupid things. But apparently she has only said two stupid things lately because I have only gotten two points off of her.

My other losers are Cameron Diaz who may or may not be dating John Mayer (what?) and Gwen Stefani who only gets points because sometimes she dresses like a mannequin. Needless to say, neither of those so called famous people have done a bit of good on my team.

The only way I could foresee myself catching up in this game is if the following scenario happens:

Jessica Simpson is caught making out with with Ryan Seacrest in front of former hubby Nick Lachey at Nick's restaurant opening. It turns out Nick Lachey really doesn't care what Jessica does, because he is in turn actually Ken Paves secret lover. This though, bothers Jessica because she is planning on having Ken's beautiful blonde babies, and feels betrayed by Ken, who she thought was her loyal hair extension specialist. However, it turns out that Nick is actually bald in real life and has been using Ken to create the illusion of lovely locks years before Ken and Jessica even met. Ken has also been training Nick in ballroom dancing, so Nick can join the ranks of his brother Drew as a Dancing with the Stars champion. Meanwhile, photos of Jessica Simpson circulate, with crusty mascara running down her face, and rumors start that both she and Michelle Williams are alcoholics living in misery on the streets of Beverly Hills. Heath Ledger is caught making out with Cameron Diaz who later in the week is caught making out with Zac Efron. Also, it turns out that Gwen Stefani is in fact a mannequin that springs to life when a particular shade of magical red lipstick is applied to her plastic face. Finally, Avril Lavigne demonstrates her kind and good heart by volunteering at the very mental health center to which Owen Wilson has been committed. After Avril offers Owen worlds of advice on how to handle publicity, etc, they become fast friends and are inseparable to the point of creepy considering Owen is significantly older than Avril. Avril convinces Owen to express his personality through pink streaks in his hair and he makes a complete recovery, forgetting about Kate Hudsen as he overcomes his drug addiction once and for all.

I have two weeks for the above to happen. Then, you can all congratulate me on my champion team in the world of fantasy leagues.

Jokers

2007-09-17T09:15:00.000-04:00

Brooke (my roommate) has recently decided she is going to use the term "Aces" to mean something good happened or to describe something good ("like aces"). This all came about because a friend of hers uses the word "chocolate" for that same purpose. I have decided if people are going to start making up new slang words for good things, I also wanted a trademark word.

My word is going to be "jokers" (keeping with the card theme) and it is going to mean (a) crazy (b) wild and (c) terrible. I thought of this while I was waiting for the bus this AM and would have texted Brooke my brilliant new slang word, however, her phone doesn't accept text messages because it is not actually a cell phone but it is a cordless phone she happens to carry around in her purse. So Brooke, I hope you read this.

Here are a few scenarios of when "jokers" would be appropriate to use:

When the Red Sox are winning and then the Yankees sneak attack them in the last two innings with lots of runs all of a sudden (as per Friday's game):

"Jokers! What happened?"

When your roommate comes home and tells you a crazy story about a tan old man wearing orange short shorts and no shirt on the bus:

"That's jokers!"

When a colleague asks you how your Saturday night was and it consisted of you waiting in line at a way too cool bar, never end up getting in and finding yourself at another bar that is less cool but in a bad way where the end of a pub crawl is happening and so there are way too many people in matching t-shirts falling all over each other:
"It was like jokers. I am not even kidding you."

So you'll hear me using the word "jokers" now. You can use it too but remember I started it.

Why I haven't posted in a week

2007-09-16T22:40:00.000-04:00

I know that being a blogger means posting, but sometimes it is hard. There are quite a few reasons why I haven't posted in a while and I will outline them below:

Number 1 reason I haven't updated my blog: I have become a Facebook junkie. Okay, so I know I am borderline too old for Facebook, but I recently quit MySpace (it was kind of a spontaneous decision) and I needed a way to stalk people online (Mom, do not try this at home). So anyway, Facebook has been blowing up with these things called applications. For those of you who are not familiar with Facebook, it is basically a networking website for friends. To make it more interesting you can add surveys, games, polls, etc onto your page. I recently added Scrabulous because I caught my roommate Brooke playing it with her friends. So now I can play scrabble with my friends online through Facebook! Or so I thought. So I looked at my list of friends and thought, "Who will play with me?" And invited a few people. Then waited. The two people I invited accepted my invitations but didn't take their turns. So I start sending harassing emails to them, trying to trash talk them into putting their words down. Turns out they aren't stupid, just Scrabulous had been acting up. So anyway, today I say to my roommate Brooke, "I just want to play Scrabble!" She says, "Well, if you want we can play real scrabble right now." I said to her, "Maybe later, I have to go update my blog."

Number 2 reason: Work sucks. I have been at work way too much this past week (including today and Saturday) because I have had to get stuff ready for a business trip to Denver, on top of the fact we are short-staffed and that it is the busiest time of year. I have been so work-oriented that I haven't been able to think of anything remotely creative or funny to add to this blog. Why is that you ask? Oh, because work sucks the creative and funny out of me and I turn into a miserable sad not funny person.

Number 3: I haven't been able to post because I have been in the midst of working on some fake news stories. I know all of you out there think that fake news just comes out of my head like ear wax, but the truth is they take time and research. I mean, I have to first find the fake story. That's not even the toughest part. Then, I have to do some fake interviews (and let me tell you, it is really hard sometimes to contact the fake people you are trying to interview and fit into their fake schedule.) Then, I have to fact check all of the fake facts and submit the story to my fake editor. Who then fake edits it, which means quite a few fake revisions, until finally it is a fake news story I can post on this blog. It's a lot of hard work, fake news writing. I am not even kidding. It's tough. And time consuming. Right now I am working on a human interest story about a pair of socks that I think you will enjoy, but it is only in the fake story idea stage at this point.

And 4: I have better things to do than post on this blog! For instance, last Sunday, Liz and I went apple picking and it was really funny and I thought to myself "Now this is something I should post about." But then, Liz and I were really busy drinking beers and eating Guinness soup and I had no time to write. The next day I was at work late, and the day after that I went to see Tim and Amy and celebrate the fact they actually have new jobs that they liked, which involved more beers. Thursday I saw Wicked, and Friday I watched the Red Sox game. So all in all, it has been a busy week, and so I couldn't write about the apple picking adventure, or the fact that Liz came up with my future career as a professional third wheel. One day, maybe, I will write about all of those things. As you can see, right now I just don't have the time.

Happy Birthday, Marmie!

2007-09-08T20:59:00.001-04:00

It's my mom's birthday today, and since she is my number one fan, I wanted to make sure to note that fact.

Speaking of my mom, I am thinking of enlisting her as a guest blogger. Maybe not really a blogger per se, but my mom seems to think she has a lot of great blog ideas. It could be really fun to post them on here.

One idea she had when I was home last week was for me to write a blog about being stuck in an elevator with smelly people and babies. (I think that is what the idea was. I wrote it down but I write a lot of things down and so now that piece of paper has gone missing.) After she brought it up, I asked my mom if that situation just happened to her. Sometimes my mom likes to give half a story so you ask her the probing questions so she can say, "Well, actually, yes, that did just happen and here are a few more juicy details." And once that happens you are trapped into the mom story. Anyway, no she didn't get trapped in an elevator with a smelly person and 17 babies, but apparently she was in an elevator with a smelly person and several babies and she was thinking about how terrible it would be if she got trapped in an elevator with that crowd. Apparently she was counting the seconds between floor two and floor one. Right. (Do you see where I get it from?).

So no, Mom, I am not going to write a blog about that particular scenario, but I am going to give all of my readers a little advice inspired by you:

Do not ride elevators unless they are the only option.

In a mall, for example, you usually have both elevators and escalators. Choose the escalator! If you choose the elevator you run the risk of being stuck in it for an indefinite amount of time with unfortunate people who probably don't like you. I know some people don't like escalators, however, elevators are far worse.

If an elevator breaks, you are stuck in there for who knows how long. Has anyone seen Mixed Nuts? That is a classic example of being stuck in an elevator. It even comes with a song. If an escalator breaks, you can just walk up or down the stairs, depending which way you are more comfortable going.

People have no sense of personal space in an elevator. For most, it seems as though riding the elevator is a game of "Can I fit?" Even on the most crowded elevators, people just push their way in with no regard for other peoples' comfort levels. On an escalator, this happens sometimes when you have a close stander. (You know, those people who huff on the back of your neck with soft pretzel breath?) But, at least you always have the option of moving up a step or two. If they follow, you keep going, and think of it this way- you are at least getting some exercise, which is so hard to fit in the world of moving sidewalks, escalators, scooters, etc.

Furthermore, elevators are evil. I know, I know, I am totally stereotyping elevators. Surely they are not all the spawn of Satan. Nonetheless, it must be said- most elevators don't care about you at all. They will close the door on your arm. Oh, you are one arm short now? Who cares? Not the elevator! An escalator would never do that. If your heel gets stuck in between one of the steps, there is an emergency stop button that can be pressed. You might think the "open door" button on the elevator serves a similar purpose. You are wrong. That button can actually only be pressed a limited number of times before it decides you don't really require the door be held open and nothing will stop that door from closing on your or a friend's arm, leg, or face.

Basically, the moral of this post is- try to avoid elevators. They are not your friends. If you are on the second floor of a mall, and your only option is to take the elevator or take your chances throwing your body off the balcony of the second floor to land in a plant on the first floor, give the jump a whirl. All jokes aside, you might break a leg or two, but at least you won't lose an arm permanently which is sure to happen if you ride the elevator.

Eggs, Milk, and Ice Cream

2007-09-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I have a crummy day I like to walk to the White Hen and get some Ben and Jerry's. I say Ben and Jerry's specifically because it is usually the best option in the Hen. Depending on what sort of crummy it is, I will get either Phish Food (now Surf and Turf variety for a limited time only) or Chocolate Therapy. Every once and a while I get Chubby Hubby which used to be my preference but lately has fallen out of favor.

There are a lot of odd things about the Hen. For instance, whenever I go in there for the sole purpose of buying ice cream, I always end up leaving with ice cream, a quart of milk, and half a dozen eggs. I can't really explain it, except maybe I am embarrassed to be buying just ice cream. Usually I am dressed the part of the depressed female who just has got to have the ice cream, so I think I subconsciously try to cover it up by picking up the eggs and the milk as well. Once you add eggs and milk to the ice cream purchase, you aren't saying "Oh I really needed some ice cream because my day was crummy" you are now saying "Gosh, I need eggs and milk desperately for my breakfast/that quiche I am making for Brunch in the AM/the cake I have to bake for my friends birthday.... oh this ice cream? I thought I'd just grab that while I was here. You know, for the kids. Watching my girlish figure of course." It's almost that the ice cream is a treat for being responsible by buying two responsible items (egg and milk). I mean, doesn't everyone always have eggs and milk on hand? If they don't they should. I mean, really.

Other weird things happen at the Hen, too. Once I was in there minding my own business (i.e. eavesdropping on an old man reading ingredients off of boxes) when all of a sudden these two people start speaking German. I turn the corner and then this one man says to the old man, "Do you speak German, too?" I thought that was sort of odd, because why would an old man be singled out for speaking German when clearly he was reading the ingredients off in English, when I turned the corner of the Laundry Detergent/Chip and Dip/Toilet Paper aisle and saw the old man was in fact wearing something that resembled leiderhosen (sp?). I thought it was kind of odd that there were three German-phones in the White Hen but I didn't care enough to ponder it for too long and took the opportunity to purchase my pot pie (plus milk and eggs). The cashier rang it up as over $20. Now- the prices in White Hen are a little high, however, $20 for three items is pushing it in my book. So I said, "For the pot pie, milk, and eggs?" And the 20-ish Tufts student said, "And your other items." All of a sudden I noticed a pile of various items that were not mine on the counter. "Those aren't mine," I responded carefully. The poor guy seemed so confused and then he apologized, apparently he had thought I was the girl who had dropped her stuff on the counter and then ran off to get a few more items (That's how it works at the Hen, they have baskets but nobody uses them. They just drop their items off at the counter once their hands get full and then go back for more). Anyway, I turn around and there is a girl. She was wearing glasses that looked like mine, had my hair color, was my height, and was wearing the same T-shirt as me. I had run into Bizarro Jenn. At the White Hen. On German Day. (Granted, it was someone I worked with but didn't know and had just come back from a work event where we all had to wear work T-shirts. But still. It was weird nonetheless.)

Last time I visited the Hen, I walk in, and it is completely empty. No employees, no customers. It's a family run Hen, so I assumed someone was in the back and would hear the bell on the door had rung and would come out in a minute to make sure I didn't steal anything. So, I just start shopping. After a few minutes of quiet, I start to think it is a little odd, but decided to figure it out once I got all the things I needed. I turn that laundry detergent/chip aisle corner, and then all of a sudden "BOOOOOOO!" I nearly dropped the eggs I was carrying (for show, I had no plan on purchasing) and jumped and let out a little squeal. Then, there was laughter and a "Got YOU!" I turn around and look in the corridor I like to call the secret passageway and there are two young Hen employees goofing around. The girl had hidden so she could surprise the guy when he came out of the bathroom. I am not sure if that is the most professional of behavior, but hey, we are talking about the White Hen here and at my work, which is in an office building mind you, you can run around in capes and skeleton costumes and that is called motivation. Needless to say, next time I go into White Hen I will keep one eye open, or maybe both eyes because it would be pretty bizarre if I only had one eye open, I guess, unless the other eye was covered in an eye patch or something. What I mean is, I will be on the lookout for people hiding and jumping out and surprising other employees. Whatever. I don't even know what this post is about anymore.

I think it is about the fact I had a crummy day today and might go buy some ice cream. I think I need eggs, too. And milk.

Hairball

2007-09-05T16:37:00.000-04:00

Did I mention I hate taking the bus? Have I ever mentioned that waiting for the bus is almost just as bad as taking the bus?

In the spring and summer and early fall I almost don't mind the bus wait, because it is usually a pleasant experience. I go to True Grounds for a coffee or a slice of banana bread. I read a book. I listen to my iPod. It's generally kind of nice and relaxing.

Today, I got out there early. Ran to get my first hot coffee beverage of the season (Medium Mocha with Skim milk), then went out to the bus stop and started waiting. As I am listening to my pod I see a golden blond strand of hair waft by my face. Then another. And another. One almost blows in my mouth as I take a sip of my delectable coffee.

Disgusted, I look around. A woman is brushing her hair at the bus stop.

Okay, maybe she didn't have time to get this done in the comfort of her home in front of her vanity. I know I am one to rush out the door before putting on my makeup. Sometimes I haven't even dried my hair. I am not one to judge others for running late and needing to do things on the fly.

However, this woman's hair looked fine. She was sort of like Marcia Brady who used to brush 100 strokes in order to have glossy Panteve Pro-V hair model hair. Thus, the brushing at the bus stop was completely unneccessary and served no real purpose. (I could almost understand if she had rats nest hair and had to make herself presentable. That wasn't the case.)

Furthermore, if she wanted to put in her neccessary 100 strokes, she should just wait til she got to work or wherever she was going. There is no point to brush your hair that much pre-commute. It's only gonna get messed up when you leave the bus and walk through the Lechemere wind tunnel. Also, it's not like she was trying to impress someone who rides the bus. (There is no one of interest on the bus. They are all taken. All the cool kids have cars anyway).

Basically, the point of this story is, now even waiting for the bus means terrible things could happen like getting a stranger's hair in your coffee. Awesome.

Je deteste raisins in baked goods...

2007-08-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

...and it turns out I am not the only one! This wins the award of best t-shirt design of the day, as found on Threadless and brought to my attention by LJ.I don't want you guys to think I am a raisin hater, though. I really like raisins actually. I just don't like when the invade baked goods like cookies, muffins, and cakes. The only bits that should be in those sugar confections are things that come in the form of morsels like chocolate, peanut butter, butterscotch and other candy related items. There is no need to add the raisin or even craisin with their weird texture. Whenever a raisin surprises me in a baked good my first thought is that maybe a fly fell in the batter. Then, after the examination of the chewy bit of brown mush reveals it to be a raisin, I am generally just as disturbed by my findings as I would have been if it had been a fly. It's especially upsetting if it is a cookie and you see the dark brown specks and assume they are chocolate chips only to be sorely disappointed by the fact they are raisins.

Furthermore, why do some people insist on adding raisins to oatmeal? Not too long ago I was at Johnny D's and I made the terrible mistake of starting with oatmeal instead of cheesy grits. Had I known the oatmeal would come with raisins floating in it like drowning beetles I would have requested they be removed. There is something about the gooey goodness of oatmeal that should be left pure, with only the addition of brown sugar, maple syrup, and on the rare occassion fresh fruit to enhance the oaty flavor.

I know, I know, some of you are texture-philes and like the chewy dried grapes added to your baked goods and oatmeal and maybe even your chicken salad (gross!) but I for one would prefer they be left to be eaten from those tiny boxes as an after school snack.P.S. If I could meet one person who was alive, dead, or animated, it would be the Sunmaid herself. I'd love to be able to explain to her my views on raisins, and convince her to help me in my fight against raisins in baked goods. I am sure she'd agree that raisins are best enjoyed straight from the box as they are a healthy and delicious snack for kids. Also, I'd love to spend time in her magical vineyard and watch how the sparkling sun dries the grapes and transforms them into raisins. How interesting it would be to learn about the process from the Sunmaid herself! Her fabulous personality as well as her knowledge on organic raisin making makes her my favorite of all of the animated food characters.

Everyone is Average (Except for me- and Brooke!)

2007-08-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

My new roommate Brooke and I were having a very philosophical discussion the other day about our number one favorite subject- our height, or rather our lack thereof (Brooke is also freakishly short like me, although supposedly she is a little taller, but marginally so). We swapped life stories that were surprisingly similar, and thus this post was born. I realized since I had a lot of common misconceptions about people who are taller than me, you taller than me people might have some misconceptions about me. This should clear things up for you.

I'm short, and I like it.
Okay, so I like to complain about my height when I can't find the perfect pair of jeans (they don't exist) or when the world seems to be made for average/tall people. But, despite the fact that bartenders might not notice me right away as I peer over the top of the bar hoping for a beer, I have to admit, being short is better than being average. Here's why: I get to be adorable. I am not the prettiest girl in the world, but I always win on cuteness when in a crowd of people who are taller than me. Plus, I am not so painfully short it is awkward, I am like, stick me in your back pocket goddamn adorable. Once when I used to be a field hockey star one of my co-players said, "you are like a christmas cookie." I am not sure what that means exactly, but I think it means I am like a gingerbread girl, which I take as compliment. I mean, if people are going to be throwing around nicknames and metaphors, I'd certainly rather Little Bite-sized Jenn than Tall Freak of a Giraffe Girl. Yeah that's right, I said it.

I want you to help me reach things off of high shelves.
Sometimes when I am climbing up the shelves in the grocery store trying to get that last box of corn muffin mix, I am secretly hoping that some tall person will help me. Just because I seem like an independent person because I have single handedly constructed a ladder out of canned tomatoes and coffee tins doesn't mean I don't need your help. Also, sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that there is someone out there who can help me. I think it was sophomore year of college when I realized that most people could easily reach the top of the wardrobe. Liz, if I recall, used to store items up there, snacks even. If I needed anything from the top of the wardrobe I would have to stand on my desk on my tippy toes to reach. The day I saw Liz casually reach up to grab a box of cereal without even exerting the slightest bit of energy, I was flabbergasted. I realized then and there that Liz could help me and have since been using her to reach tall things for me. I also use my sister Stacey for this same purpose. She is only 4 inches taller than me but she has monkey arms. Seriously.

I have no idea how tall you are.
Everyone taller than me is considered average. Even if you are only 5'2". If you are 5'2" and you are complaining to me about being short, then you need to remember I am 4 inches shorter. The only time you are not considered average in my brain is if you are freakishly tall. Then you are freakishly tall.

Since I am short, I deserve the size small t-shirt.
Remember how in school sometimes for field day or sports teams you got free t-shirts to wear? Well, guess who always got stuck with the ridiculously oversized ones? That would be me. After years and years of suffering with giant shirts, now the least you could do is offer me the small free t-shirt. My The Best Girls Root For Boston t-shirt was earned for free in a bar, and the promotional guy who was handing them out originally gave me a size large and then looked at me and said, "Oh no, hold on" and dug around for a small. We became instant best friends after that. That's all it takes to win my heart. It is my number 1 pet peeve when girls who are 5'10" take the size smalls because their supermodel bodies require them. No girls, you don't need a small as much as me. I might not be as skinny as you, but a size large on me is far more ridiculous than on you. I could add a belt to a size large and call it a dress and no one would be the wiser.

If you are average, I hope this cleared things up for you. I will try as well to be considerate of the fact that you are average as long as you help me reach high things and promise to trade shirts if I get stuck with a large.

To-Do List Updates (part 2, I think)

2007-08-18T23:40:00.001-04:00

I've been away for a week, and I think it is time for some updating. Also, I am adding a goal (number 9).

Number 1: Learn to surf. This past week I was on the Cape and happened to visit the "Secret Surf Break of 2007" daily. Not because I was learning to surf, but because it was the only beach my family could get into. And I think we all know that it wasn't actually a prime surfing spot because (a) this is Cape Cod we are talking about here and (b) the only surfing that was being done was people doing nosedives into rocks. Needless to say, I haven't learned to surf yet. Still holding out for Costa Rica. I actually am surprised I haven't gone to Costa Rica yet. I think it is on the list of free trips I have earned through work come next summer. However, do I really want to wait until Summer 2008 to go to Costa Rica? Plus, isn't that the rainy season? Plus, there are many reasons why I shouldn't count on work to send me for free.

Number 2: I'd say I am well on my way to completing this one. Granted, I haven't actually seen a bean, and as Diane says I need to thin out my little seedlings to make those work, but I think we can all say that I did grow something before killing it. I love being vague on my to-do list. Eureka--this one is done!( P.S. I bought a new watering can that is going to be the cover of my new book "The Apartment Gardener." If you can't see the picture today, check again tomorrow. I may not have posted it yet.)

Number 3: Music music music. One time I tried to get my Dad to teach me how to play the guitar. It hurt my fingers and did I mention I am not the musical one in the family? I blamed my lack of skill on the strings being too difficult for a beginner. I think the lessons lasted a period of one day before I quit. Although I have not signed up for electric guitar lessons as of this moment, I think the second time is a charm. Wait, years and years of catch phrases and sayings just caught up to me and is informing me that the third time is a charm. Who came up with that and why? You know it must have been some over-achieving kid's parents who thought this one up. Their kid was about to throw a temper tantrum because he failed twice at something (I am too tired to really think of something clever here) and then they said, "you know honey, try again, third times a charm." And that time, boy, he was successful. I certainly hope so anyway. You can only mess up so many times before you're an idiot for not getting it right. Okay, so here's a call for drummers and electric guitar players. Share your secrets with me and I will make you several batches of my world famous banana chocolate chip muffins. I'm not kidding. Surely your time is worth several muffins, eh?

Number 4: Learn to draw again. Yes, I have relearned drawing, so I'd like to cross this off my list. However, I am going to kick this goal up a notch and make it-- keep drawing. Just keep on drawing. I am the queen of forgetting what makes me happy and taking that drawing class reminded me that I love drawing. So, I am going to stop collecting art supplies and letting them sit in my closet. Instead, I am going to fill up all of the empty sketchbooks, set up my gorgeous french easel, and let the creative juices flow once and for all. Brilliant. Just thinking about it makes me tired, so as soon as I finish this post I think I will take a nap.

Number 5: Okay, so I know on my initial update of the List, I said I was really close to this goal. I have to admit I fell off the wagon. A situation presented itself and I really needed some shoes. I can't say exactly what this situation was because it may or may not have to do with the fact that I am an undercover spy and I had a top secret mission where it was absolutely neccessary to have a new pair of beautiful Italian heels. To see them would be to fall in love with them. Really, I know I don't need to justify myself here because this is my shoe problem and not yours, but my other black shoes broke, and they needed to be replaced. Immediately. So, that was a couple of weeks ago. By the end of this month I should be allowed a new pair of shoes without breaking the one month rule. (Thank goodness, because fall shoes could possibly be my favorite.)

Number 6: Sugar art. LJ says we have a candy thermometer. I say, excellent. Then I remembered, melted sugar is scorching hot. I need some silicone gloves for protetction. I've been on the lookout, but something tells me you won't find those in your neighborhood Williams Sonoma. Have you ever had that unfounded feeling you will be good at something? Well, every since I realized I was a paper sculpting genius in 5th period study hall senior year of high school, I have known I was meant to put my 3D art skills to better use. Sugar show pieces are my calling. I am sure of it.

Number 7: I haven't written anything other than this blog lately. I am contemplating taking a humor writing class to get started. I don't really find myself funny, but my mom thinks I am hysterical.

[Sidenote: I have started writing a work of literary fiction in my head.. What I hope to happen (and this could be wishful thinking) is to write Novel A in my head in its entirety, then take a long weekend to type it up as a readable manuscript, then, send it off to the publishers. Who the heck these people are I have no idea, but details details. Then, once everyone loves it because surely they will- it's genius- I am going to send the completed book off to my Jr year English teacher and say, 'Hey, guess what, I wrote this in one draft over the course of one weekend and NOBODY peer edited it for me. What have you gotten published lately?' Did I mention I still have rage against my HS English teacher? Yup, I won't lie that getting something published is basically to spite him.]

Number 8: I think I am the world's worst running trainee. (1) I have hardly ran at all this summer; instead have been enjoying the elliptical machines in the cool, air conditioned confines of Healthworks. (2) After finally biting the bullet and running outside at the Cape, I realized there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I am going to be able to pull off a 5k in thirty minutes anytime soon unless I really start trying. I could barely finish 1.3 miles in 15 minutes. Even though I am not as good at math as Stacey, I am pretty sure if I can't do the FIRST 1.3 miles in 15 minutes then I won't be able to do the second 1.8 miles in 15 minutes. (3) Did I mention I hate running? I do. I really really do.

Number 9: Sell items of my own making. Okay, so almost my whole life I have been a crafty person. However, I have not really been able to use these powers for good, yet. I have been hoarding them actually and no one has been able to benefit from my craftiness. I found a website that sells works of artisans all of the country (maybe world) and I am going to make some items to sell on there. Once that takes off, I can quit my day job and focus on the To-Do List. Once I have some of my wares online I will share the website with all of you. (I don't recommend holding your beath, if this item goes as well as the previous 8, it could take a while for this to be a reality).

Okay-- so in a nutshell-- items left to complete--- all of them (although I do give myself props for not killing the plants yet). I am so good at this making a list and getting it done, it is not even funny. No, really, it's not.

The Car Search (Part 1)

2007-08-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

So recently, I have decided I want a car. I know nothing will ever replace Mini-Me, but I think it is time for me to move on with my life and join the ranks of those who drive.

[Did you know I hate the bus? Today I took a bus from Eastham to Hyannis. Then another bus from Hyannis to Boston. Did I mention that we had to get off route 6 at every town to do a loop in empty parking lots to pick up people who weren't there and then merge back into the traffic? Also, once I arrived in Boston, I then had to take the T and then another bus-- okay the second bus was by choice and because I didn't feel like walking the 7.5 minutes to my apartment from the T-stop, but still. It was a lot of transportation for one day. And it took over 4 hours in total. If I had a car I would have been home in half the time, no walking required.]

Now, I do have a few specifications of what I am looking for and although some may call me picky and even finicky, the truth is I am actually no more than just a little particular. Here is what I want in a car- if you have any leads on cars that meet the following requirements, please do let me know.

Requirement 1: Old. I do not want a new car. I know this sounds silly, but I have never felt comfortable driving a new car unless it is a Mini Cooper. Since I cannot afford a Mini Cooper, why settle for a new non-Mini Cooper? Instead, I'd rather a car that is well in its years. I think the newest car I'd like is a 2000. I have always felt the year 00 is a good year for cars. Maybe it is because of all the hype in general about that year that makes me feel that way, but anyway, that's as young as I'd like. I'm also a bit of a daredevil, so I like to feel as though I am about to die while driving. Gives me that rush, you know.

Requirement 2: I like 2 doors. I also like Hatchbacks. I live in a city. This means, I don't want a large boat of a car. The only large vehicle I'd ever consider driving is a VW bus or an old camper. Only because that would be highly impractical for a city girl such as myself and thus hysterical. I never said my reasons for wanting what I want is logical.

Requirement 3: Cheap. I do not make gobs of money at my job. I also do not need to drive this car every day. It seems silly for me to spend a lot of money on a car that I won't use daily, and I also hate monthly payments. I know this is probably low, but I really would only like to spend about $3000 on this car. (I found this 2002 Mini Cooper online for only $2900. Unfortunately it was a total scam. Fortunately, I am smart enough to figure that out before wiring off my savings to some man in Idaho-- or was it Iowa?)

Preference 1: Standard transmission. I know I will probably kick myself if I actually get a standard car and then keep getting stuck in traffic. However, that one summer when I drove stick I really enjoyed it. I tend to get bored in a car. And if I am getting a car that is old and cheap, I can't count on having a stereo system. Driving standard will give me something to do if I am forced to ride in silence.

Preference 2: Colors I like in cars, in order-- any green besides hunter green, red, dark gray or black, lemon yellow, orange, brown, blue.

Prefernce 3: I like VW Cabrios and Cabriolets. I like Saab 900 series hatchbacks. I like 2 door Nissans. I like other VWs as long as they are small. I love Mini Coopers. I'd also take an old beetle. Really, if it is adorable and small and described as a fun ride, I'd probably like it.

If you know anyone who is selling a car, let me know.

Also, Mom, I do not want your Saturn.

Don't get too excited, but...

2007-08-07T23:50:00.000-04:00

I grew these!

There is still plenty of time to kill the little buggers yet, but it's a good sign that they grew at all. That's more than I can say for attempts zero and negative one which were such failures I couldn't even assign them positive numbers.

This is an extremely inaccurate chart. First, I made up the data. Well, I didn't make up the data as much as I made up the fact that I was diligently checking the growth over a set number of days. I checked it one random day and it was the height of my pinky finger. The next time I checked it was as large as my thumb (later that afternoon, perhaps?). Some other day in the near future it was as tall as my middle finger and today it is as high as my wrist bone. I can't be sure if my first check was 4 days ago or more or less but it was certainly faster than expected. If I was in 2nd grade math I would probably fail. Or maybe just my parents would get a letter sent home informing them that not only am I making up research, but also that I don't know how to use a ruler. I can imagine my parents reading that letter, shaking their heads and setting me up at the kitchen table with a ruler and various objects to measure as practice. And I'd probably get a lecture on not making up research. I have to wonder, is making up stuff worse than plagiarizing?

Along the subject of elementary school math, I was terrible at my times tables. Also counting money. And time. How I survive life now I have no idea.

Drug Free in 2003

2007-08-06T21:06:00.000-04:00

When driving back from Duxbury after this awesome day at the beach, I saw a sign for DRUG FREE ZONE. I was a little confused, because I thought the entire United States was a drug free zone. Granted, I know prescription drugs are allowed (real ones, not San Fran brownies, Brooke), but I am pretty sure that sign wasn't talking about a Zoloft and Ambien free zone. Ollie and her sister were watching that showtime series Weed on demand, and the episode was on was when this townsperson (who is played by the women who is in the movie Big, but she didn't look like she was that old now, so maybe I am wrong) put up a sign to declare a certain area of the city drug free and I had to question that, too. If anything, it is a little braggy. It's like the town is saying "Lookee here, we can stop the drug dealers and addicts with our shmancy signs. See if any druggies try to do drugs in this stretch of 20 yards. We've shown them."

I think having signs that say DRUG FREE ZONE actually make it more likely that people will start doing drugs once they are outside the zone. Also, the sign wasn't very specific. It didn't say how large the zone was. I mean, is it like a school zone? Is there a certain area that is being designated drug free, or is it just a reminder in general? (I see it playing out like this:"No, no, don't do drugs there. That's a drug free zone! You'll get in trouble. Come over here, where the yellow curb ends. Now we can do drugs.")

Also, I was under the impression that drugs were illegal (isn't that what I learned in D.A.R.E.?). If we are posting signs that say DRUG FREE ZONE do we also need to add in signs for THEFT FREE ZONE or MURDER FREE ZONE, just in case people forget what is illegal?

I mean, I could be totally off base here. I realize, signs aren't the end-all, be-all of truth and what's right. Obviously, if you see a sign for a duck crossing that isn't the only place you will see a duck cross a road. Ducks can't read signs. They will cross the road wherever they feel like it so you shouldn't assume that you should only be cautious of ducks crossing the road where the sign is. Granted, if a duck crossed the road not at the sign, I am not sure if you can really get in trouble if you hit one, because how on earth did you know there could be a duck there? It goes both ways, I guess.

Sort of speaking of, when I was younger crosswalks always confused me. They would have the WALK signal and the DONT WALK signal, but the WALK would never be on for long enough to get across the street. Thus, when DONT WALK flickered on my two instincts would be to (a) Run or (b) Stop. Fortunately I was bright enough to run and not stop in the middle of the road, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone else made that mistake. What I mean is, signs are confusing sometimes, even if to most people they seem straightforward.

I also used to think that the saying "Don't rain on my parade" was "Don't reign on my parade." In my head, these mean the same thing to this day. I imagine someone else dressed up as the Queen pretending to be in charge of my parade. It's my parade, goddammit. Don't ruin it for me by taking the best float that has the castle with the tower and the handsome prince in shining armor and leave me to ride on the float that isn't even a float but the back of someone's pick up truck. Gosh, don't reign on my parade you backstabbing stupidiot. It's my parade, not yours. I get the best float.

I guess I was just a confused kid in general, so maybe that explains why I don't get why these signs for drug free zones are popping up like daisies. Maybe to everyone else it is obvious. Thoughts?

Do you like molecular biology and winning stuff?

2007-08-06T20:00:00.000-04:00

The one good thing about riding the bus is that is gives me plenty of time to think. Today I was thinking about how technology is evil. (No, I am not going to swear of electricity.) Mainly, the internet (Yes, I know I am using it now. I am aware of the fact I am a hypocrite). Sure, the internet is really great in the sense that you can find anything you need anytime you want and probably get it the next day. Some people might say that is a good thing, and sure, when you first find out you can order your Thai food online and avoid the language barrier you are like "Cool!" But if you think about it, it is really not cool at all. Here's why:

I am a true believer that the internet has made us less social as people. Sometimes in our apartment we would all have our laptops and be sitting on our couches, totally doing our own thing. This is okay because sometimes you just need to get stuff done online. If an outsider was looking in on us, though, I think s/he would be really sad. I mean, here are 4 interesting (okay 3, because the time I am referring to is when there were only 3 of us who were interesting) girls not talking to each other and more involved with a contraption that's basically a robot than each other. (Sometimes I joke that my work thinks I can only communicate with robots. Although it is fun to make fun of myself talking to robots all day in order to get my job done, it is a really sad thought that that is sort of my life).

Furthermore, we abuse our internet priviliges when we prefer to do things online than over the phone or even in person. Before the internet, people actually talked to other people. Now we IM and gchat (I like to call it google-talk but my roommate told me that is wrong and then I think she laughed at me on the inside. I usually try to hide the fact I am a loser and not really in-the-know but sometimes it slips out accidentally) and email and pay our bills and shop online etc. I got a text message once from Verizon telling me I should add IN texting because I text a lot of people every month. I looked at my statement, and for once appreciated Verizon for being so courteous and not trying to screw me over. So, I immediately went online, opened up my account and tried to set it up. A red notice popped up saying I am supposed to call Customer Service to add things to my cell phone package. Immediately and without warning, I became unreasonably agitated. I hated Verizon for making me pick up my phone and call them to do something that could have easily been done online. God forbid they make me actually talk to a real person. I then realized I was being ridiculous and that it is all because the internet has made me an idiot an unable to socialize. Maybe the people at work were right.

Every day when I ride the bus I see these advertisements for Windorphins. I actually find myself chanting Windorphins so that I will remember to look up the website when I get to work. I always forget, except for Saturday when bizarrely I wasn't even on the bus and I remembered and made my roommate look it up because she was at her computer and mine was way upstairs. I was so excited to find out what this Windorphins site was and ended up being sorely disappointed. It's some sort of a portal for eBay. I guess windorphins are what you call the things that are produced inside your body when you win something. And what is an easier way to boost your windorphins than when bidding on things (and winning them) on eBay? I thought the whole concept was ridiculous and I was right. What was even more telling though, is that eBay figured out this new marketing campaign for their online bidding site because they knew people were probably getting bored of the instant gratification that was occuring on eBay everyday. I mean sure, it is so exciting to find "It" but after you find seven "Its" without batting an eyelash, you get bored and you expect to find "It." Ebay knows that we are spoiled and don't even get excited about winning. EBay knows the internet is evil, but eBay is capitalizing on the fact we are spoiled little brats.

The truth is, though, once upon a time it was considered a novelty to be able to do things instantaneously. I bet instant win scratch tickets used to be really exciting. Now you would probably go to a 7/11 and win $200 and say "I guess that's cool." I can order a pizza online. I can get Amazon to ship me a book I feel like reading tomorrow because I am too lazy to walk across the street from work and buy it at Borders for the same price and it doesn't even affect me. (Books are really heavy, you know? Sometimes I don't want to lug it from the bus stop to my apartment.) I feel entitled to these services that are just so handy.

If someone had told me 10 years ago that now I would be able to order a pizza while gchatting with seven of my friends simultaneously and also shopping for shoes, that would have blown my mind. Now, I am like, "yeah, so what?" I am more upset if someone tells me I can't do that. The horror if the internet is down for a day-- how am I to find the information I need or look up Miss Piggy aerobic album covers?

So now, all because of the internet, I am spoiled. I want what I want and I want it now. The bus was late today, and I had a fleeting thought of "why didn't the bus website call me and tell me the bus was going to be late?" and then immediately thereafter realized that was ridiculous, although not far off from the imminent future- I mean, Orbitz does it for flights, am I right?

Now that I know the internet is evil and makes me stupid and spoiled, I am going to have to start anti-internet rallies. Who cares if the internet holds all sorts of useful information that you can access quickly and easily? It is a corrupting body and we should get rid of it. Instead, we should start to put our money towards innovations like cupholders on public buses (Today I was holding my cup and trying to flip the Metro pages while simultaneously changing the song on my iPod and I couldn't do it all. If I had a cupholder I would have been golden) and something that makes office buildings feel less like refrigerators.

Nextel cell phones are really walkie-talkies

2007-08-02T23:22:00.000-04:00

ON THE BUS, Yesterday- Just months after Nextel and Sprint's merge to become the New Sprint, a bumblebee colored cellular service provider, Nextel's long-kept secret was revealed: their cell phones are really walkie talkies.

"When we decided to form a union with Nextel, we had no idea the skeletons they had in their closet," said the CEO of the New Sprint at a press conference Monday. "After an investigation into said closet, we found the rumors to be true. Nextel cell phones really are walkie-talkies."

According to top secret sources who go by Fung Wah and Lucky Star, the employees at the Nextel factory in Beijing (or what they refer to as the Toy Factory) are encouraged to use their creativity when decorating children's play walkie-talkies to look like cell phones.

"We get the walkie talkies shipped in from Tawain, and then we are allowed to go to town. We can spray paint them in metallic colors, hot glue shiny things we found on the streets to use for buttons- anything to make the walkie-talkies look like cell phones is permitted, " reported Mr. Wah.

According to Ms. Star, the phones had no actual functionality as real cell phones. "Americans don't care how their phones work. They always talk about 'dropped calls' and 'no bars.' Cell phones not working is to be expected. We make that expectation a reality."

The number keys on these alleged phones worked to dial calls (or rather "change channels"), but text messaging was out. "When people complained they couldn't get the letters to spell out words, we blamed it on their lack of experience with the T9 function," said one Customer Service Representative. (To call customer service, Nextel users just had to switch their phones to the conveniant channel 9. Customer Service was available 24 hours a day, provided you were within a half mile radius.)

Once the "phones" arrive in the US, Nextel sales staff are trained in how to convince their consumers that they want the walkie-talkie service on their cell phone. "This isn't too hard," said one former Nextel sales rep who got canned after the merge, "All you have to do is remind the person about their best friend who used to live across the street and how they used tin cans tied with string to communicate. Their eyes get weepy and then they are sold on the walkie-talkie feature. Even our crappiest phone works better than a tin can."

The whole Nextel scandal was revealed one day when a Nextel customer dropped her "phone" on the bus going from Cambridge to Somerville. She had been happily beeping her way through a delightful conversation that everyone on the bus was privy to, when the vehicle hit a bump and her "phone" went flying. It landed on the foot of a cell phone connosseuir, Mr Dwight Sharp. One if its hastily stuck-on keys (the second 7) had broken off and it was the phone's shoddy craftmanship that caused Mr. Sharp to investigate further.

After pressing what he thought to be the volume on the side, the "phone" emitted a loud squeal that sounded like a cross between a goose and a baby gurgling. Then a voice came through the static. Although he couldn't decipher a word the person on the other side was saying he immediately recognized the device to be a walkie-talkie. As he handed it back to the woman who had dropped it, he suggested she "look into that."

She certainly did. As soon as she was within range of the Nextel Customer Service office, the duped women gave them an earful and threatened to sue in between blips and beeps of the phone/walkie talkie. Several other Nextel customers were rallied as well as many former Nextel employees who were disgruntled because their severence package after the merge was sub par. Shit certainly hit the fan when the suit went to Court, and even Chief Nextel officials couldn't sweet talk their way out of the walkie-talkie debacle.

The New Sprint has had minimal comments regarding the whole situation. Since they like their "new snazzy colors" they are afraid to drop the Nextel brand entirely, but selling walkie-talkies certainly isn't something they plan on continuing.

The general public, to be frank, was relieved. Most are fed up with the cell phones that acted like walkie-talkies anyway. "It was a trend that lasted far too long," comented one commuter. "I mean, why would we want our cell phones to work the way walkie-talkies do anyway? It was fun to have those as kids, but it seems silly to be saying 'Roger that' and 'Do you copy?' during my business conference calls."

Several others agreed that the walkie talkie phone was on its way out regardless of the scandal. Having to listen to other people shout into phones/walkie talkies almost caused one woman to have a conniption. In fact, a team of research scientists are currently working on a project that finds a correlation between walkie-talking bleeps on the way to work and the elusive case of the Mondays.

Bored is the new blog

2007-08-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

I was perusing craigslist's free section (I am not sure why I bother because I have never actually gone to pick up any of the free things that these people leave on the sides of their roads. Normally they are time sensitive ads and since I am at work there is no way I'd make it in time to pick up that baby grand piano that is missing a few keys, severely out of tune, and lacking legs). But seriously, this one takes the cake.

Free empty soda bottles and cans. Because the $2 I am going to earn by redeeming these is so worth my time and energy to go pick them up. I know some people (those less fortunate) go around and pick through trash looking for empty cans/bottles to bring to the grocery store to get some easy cash. However, these people most likely do not have internet access. No need to post your empty bottles on craigslist, people. That is just a waste of our time. Oh yeah, there was a photo too:

And in case you were in the market for air conditioners, these are so the ones I'd snag. Man, if you want to get rid of these ACs, I'd suggest leaving the photos out of the ad.

(The ad was classic, too. It made no guarentees that they actually worked. "Five years ago when I bought these they worked. Since then they've been sitting in the garage collecting rust.")

I like pretty things

2007-08-01T12:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry to get all girly on this blog, but as of late I have become obsessed with pretty things- especially jewelry. I think it might be partly due to the fact that I went to that art/craft fair in Davis two weekends ago and Newburyport this past weekend. There are just so many pretty things around! The posts below log what I have been dreaming about. Enjoy.

Kathy Bransfield

2007-08-01T12:01:00.000-04:00

LJ and I went to Newburyport this past weekend and visited a lot of really cute shops. One such store had this great reusable lunch bag that I want (it was green AND it had strawberries on it! How perfect. At $18 for the bag, the price was not.) Anyway, that's not what this is about. While there, I also saw these great pendants by Kathy Bransfield. Since I love stars, these two designs are totally up my alley.

(A special note just to LJ: She also has a few charms that include text in brail! Thought you'd like that. I think one says "Love is blind." That might be too cheesey for you and your "I hate hearts" attitude, but I thought you'd appreciate it anyway.)

Pagliei Collection

2007-08-01T11:52:00.000-04:00

Ages ago my roommate LJ was obsessed with these Pagliei dumpling charms. We were both thinking about them the other night, wishing we had Peirogi and Ravioli pendants to wear. These are the sort of trinkets that make me long for a charm bracelet. Who am I kidding- I don't need a charm bracelet to enjoy these dumplings. Tortellini looks great on a necklace.

I also love their new Waxing Poetic line. (I always loved sealing wax.) Currently I am looking for a pen pal so I can make use of the silver wax I just found in my room while cleaning. Don't tell my landlord though. She doesn't allow us to use candles, so I am sure lighting a bar of wax on fire to drip onto envelopes is also off limits. (Obviously I picked this particular image because it is a J. It's all about me.)

Twigs and Heather

2007-08-01T11:49:00.001-04:00

These cute designs by Twigs and Heather make me feel at one with nature. Once upon a time I really did used to like the great outdoors. Since I am a city girl now, I will have to settle on wearing one of these twigs around my neck and pretend to be camping in the wilderness.

Nancy Dobbs Owen

2007-08-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

How pretty are these rings by Nancy Dobbs Owen? I saw these when I was in San Fran last summer at a store called Ooma. Of course, me being me, looked at them at the time and said to my roommate, Liz: "I can make these myself." It's been a year... have I made my own versions of these? Nope. I guess I will just have to use this as inspiration to get crafty. Maybe a year from now you will see me sporting my own beaded rings.

A Brilliant Idea (courtesy of S)

2007-07-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hello fans,

One of my new favorite commenters, S, has given me the best idea ever to aid in getting something published. She has introduced me to NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. What is this, you ask? Well apparently thousands of people every year write for one month (November) one 50,000 word novel. I think this is brilliant and I plan on participating. I do not think it should be too hard to write 50,000 words in one month. Question: How many words does this blog have so far? Answer: Tons. I am a short story longer writer extraordinaire! This will be ridiculously easy. And don't worry, on November 30 I will send all of you my 50,000 word novel of wonderfulness and then quiz you on content to make sure you really read it. Who's excited.

Who is going to participate in NaNoWriMo with me? I will even host a weekend in November where we can all get together and write, at my apartment, snacks and coffee provided. Let me know by Halloween.

Rice Pudding and Thanks to all

2007-07-30T14:29:00.000-04:00

I made rice pudding last night and then Lauren told me I need to write a fake news story about it. I told her I'd have it to her by the end of the day. I did better than that- I had it to her by the end of noon. If I worked for a fake newspaper, my fake news editor would probably give me fake employee of the month because I am so good at meeting deadlines.

You can read my fake news story in her blog (cupcakes for spite and tales of my baking glory). Just as an FYI, this fake news article is meant only for people who have a sense of humor. Click at your own risk.

Also, many thanks to everyone for their advice and compliments! As you can see I have added a new section on the left hand side of the page that makes searching for my many blog plotlines that much easier. It's called "Looking for something?"

Now you can skip the soap opera that are my posts and quickly find what you are looking for. Hope you like the new feature!

I do not like riding the bus (part 2)

2007-07-29T17:36:00.000-04:00

Since a fellow who calls himself Mr. History has decided to express his opinion that there is, in fact, a mode of transportation less cool than the bus, I have been forced to post a rebuttal to his argument.

Mr. History claims that riding the bus is cooler than roller skating. His arguments are (if you missed his comment on the post):
1. Roller skating has become obsolete since the introduction of roller blades.
2. Roller skates look funny because of the toe-stop (in his comment it was referred to the thing that looked like a gum drop)
3. Buses would be infinitely cooler if they were double deckers or trams.

Here are my responses:
1. Yes, roller skates have become lesser known to the young crowd, but all of us who grew up pre-rollerblades know that roller skates are pretty gosh darn cool. They bring to mind discos and shiny things, both of which I consider not only awesome but most importantly cool. Maybe I am biased because my roommate is in Roller derby which requires the use of quad-wheeled skates, and I really think that if they switched over to roller blades the sport would become stupid.
2. The gum drop design of the toe-stop is adorable. If anything, it should make you feel like you are in Candy Land. I am pretty sure no one is uncool in Candy Land.
3. True, if all buses were double deckers then they would be cool. Same goes for trams. However, they are not. The bus I am referring to is the MBTA #80 which sucks.

In conclusion, if I roller skated to work I would be cooler than the people on the bus. Also, please refer to the video clip on the right hand side page to see the #1 reason why roller skates are cooler than the bus. If they are good enough for Miss Piggy to successfully chase down her mugger, they are good enough for me.

I'd say, if anyone wants to make an argument that any mode of transportation is less cool than the bus, probably the only one that would fly is the Mini-van. And even that's a tricky one, because although most mini-vans (aka Mom-vans) are uncool, there is the possibility of a cool mini van (consider the 1970s for examples).

The Apartment Gardener (Day 1)

2007-07-28T16:07:00.000-04:00

One of my many brilliant book ideas was to write a handbook on how to be an apartment gardener. I mean, there are tons and tons of books out there on how to plant actual gardens for people who have acres of land or even a small patch of dirt outside their front stoop. Us city dwellers who don't have a yard or even a half a yard, we are limited to small pots that can be placed on window sills. I am lucky enough to be blessed with a front porch (really, the roof with a railing) so I might be able to expand and get really big plant pots (I am already wondering if I might be able to grow a pumpkin out there in time for Halloween), but most don't have even that option. No one tells you how to grow plants in pots successfully. Even the directions on the seed packets are always hinting at the fact that one day you will have to take your potted plants and transfer them into the ground. Thus, the idea for the apartment gardener book was formed. Albeit, without the skill or knowledge to actually write it.

So, I set out on the mission to become an apartment gardener. I am going to grow a selection of plants, and let you know how it goes. I will try to figure out which plants thrive in pots, which do not, and which require the least amount of effort to grow. Since I am the worst gardener I ever met, personally, this will be a huge challenge; I am not confident any of the plants I have decided to plant will actually grow. We shall call this Attempt One.

Today I went out and bought some yellow bean seeds, as well as two varieties of basil. I could have just kept Attempt One at only beans, but I feel as though beans are a little on the elementary side, in the sense that it is the plant you grow in elementary school- you know, in those white paper cups with your name on them so you can keep track of how fast they grow and make a bar graph of the progress. It's how teachers incorporate gardening into math. Growing beans and being proud of being able to grow a bean is kind of like blowing the seeds of a dandelion on the ground and then taking credit for the weeds that spring up between the sidewalk cracks. Thus, I got the basil. Mainly, because I like basil but also because I think it is hardy enough that I won't kill it too easily, but also because it feels like a half set up from beans.

Here is a photo of my apartment garden (in the tiki room):

I will keep you updated on the status of how these plants grow (since watching plants grow is so much fun), and keep you posted if I add any more plants to my repertoire, or if I kill any off. If you, dear reader, have any advice on easy plants for an apartment dweller to grow without a yard, please let me know.

Blogs of Note

2007-07-28T00:04:00.000-04:00

As a relative newcomer to the world of blogging (aside from my brief stint as a livejournalist, that is), I stumble upon intriguing elements of this blogging site each time I come in to add a post. One such thing is this list called "Blogs of Note." I am thinking this is some sort of award that is given out daily to interesting blogs. Clearly, I want to be on this list. I tried to figure out if there were some guidelines on how to become a blog of note. There were none to be found. Since blogger doesn't want to tell me how I can make my blog get on that list by tricky manipulation of the system, I decided I would check out the blogs of note and try and find the common bond. Were they all really interesting? Do they have a lot of readers? What makes these particular blogs so noteworthy?

Some of these blogs were really good. To be honest, though, some were really not good. One such not good blog seemed to be geared towards the elderly. You know, people who are interested in reading about really really old music and westerns. I could be way off base here, but I am pretty sure people of that age are not going onto blogspot and searching for blogs about their salad days. My grandmother is probably the most web savvy person of that generation that I know, and she uses it mainly to write emails and play scrabble. I don't foresee her stumbling upon this blogging website and then saying to herself, "Hmm, let me see if I can find someone who writes about music I listened to when I was 10." However, I must be extremely incorrect, because that blog was a blog of note, and my witty and charming blog about the coolest person ever (me) is not.

Anyway, now it is one of my goals to make my blog a blog of note. I think I narrowed down two ways to get this done. One: lots of readers or two: advertisements. Since I don't want ads on my blog right now (although, I feel like people- and by people I mean advertisers and sketchy internet pop-ups- keep mentioning that ads in my blog could make me money. If this is true I want to know about it), I am going to have to try to get lots of readers. So I guess, spread the word about my blog. Tell people to leave comments. If you know other bloggers, have them read this too. I think if you link other people's blogs in your blog then that makes people like you enough to make you a blog of note. Not sure, though. It could just be a away for people to feel connected out here in the world wide web.

So, let's see if we can make this happen. I will do my part--I will try to write some more fake news articles (those seem to be a hit) and maybe post more about my list (I think I am going to start planting things soon, that should make for interesting reading indeed). I can't guarentee every future post won't be boring. But, I can guarentee that each post will be long and almost definitely pointless.

Today's word use count
Word: Blog. Also, blogger, blogging, blogspot.
Total number of times blog, blogger, blogging, or blogspot was used in this blog: 34

(Note: the word count could be totally off. It was done by counting on fingers and toes, and we all know I only have 20 of those. So any number higher than 20 ends up being a mere guess.)

(Also note: don't you like how I put "Today's word use count" as though I pick a word for every post and count it? Truth is, I have never done a word count before. I am tricky like that.)

Two posts in one night? Lucky you.

2007-07-25T22:05:00.000-04:00

My latest fake news story. I think I have found my calling. This one goes out to LJ, because she will appreciate it the most.

The alleged "Newspaper Stand Kicker-Over-er" caught, trial held the Monday after next

Cambridge, MA- As of 3:43 AM Tuesday morning, the culprit behind the recent malicious attacks against newspaper stands has been apprehended. The Cambridge policeperson who caught the inebriated perpetrator is pretty sure that he witnessed a potential act of violence against a local newspaper stand.

"I got there just in the nick of time," stated the officer. "I was patrolling the streets of Cambridge when all of a sudden I heard a large commotion. I quickly ran to the scene of the noise, and there was a man, sprawled on the ground." According to the intoxicated fellow, he was trying to "drunk dial" a friend while simultaneously "knock that low-life, piece-of-shit newspaper stand on its ass." Unfortunately for him, he missed the newspaper stand by a good three-quarters of a foot and hit a nearby garbage receptacle instead, causing himself and the trash bucket to tumble to the ground. It was this sound of metal on pavement that caused the nearby officer to investigate.

The officer was able to get a statement from the person with whom the alleged criminal was on the phone. "He said he wanted to smack the newspaper stand silly and then there was a loud crash. This isn't the first time he has called me while in this state," the phone witness reported.

Mrs. Meowington, a local street cat was another witness to the potential crime after being thrown awake, literally, when her garbage can home was flipped on its side. After taking her statement via tape recorder, the police officer on duty took the cassette to the local Cat interpreter and it was transcribed as follows. "When I landed, all I saw was a homeless man passed out on the pavement. Then I finished off a half empty can of tuna."

Even though the man caught attempting to kick over the newspaper stand basically admitted to the crime when questioned by the police officer on the scene, many aren't sure the confession will hold up in court. First, he was under the influence, which basically means he was speaking in gibberish, in legalese. Since gibberish isn't an official language of anywhere, it can't be used in a court of law. Also, there was no record that he ever received his Miranda rights from the police officer (who, according to Mrs. Meowington, only asked in a concerned voice "What happened?" right before the man confessed).

It is still too early to tell what verdict the jury will find. The citizens of Cambridge can only hope it will be a guilty one, because as all literate people know, it is important to respect the local newspaper stands; violence upon them just shall not be tolerated in the state of Massachusetts.

For those of you who are new to fake news, go to www.theonion.com

Title of Teacher's Pet reclaimed!

2007-07-25T21:13:00.000-04:00

Since I know my readers (ahem-my roommate LJ, Tim, on occassion, and my mom, apparently) are on the edge of their seats wondering about my final art class, I shall tell you (them... you...what?) that I have, in fact, reclaimed the title of Teacher's Pet. I stole it back from Ann in our last class, thank goodness. It is really hard for me to not be the favorite, and it was touch and go for a short time there. Did you really expect anything less?

In all seriousness, though, this will be the one where I pat myself on the back a little. I was really proud of my final drawing, even though it is, of course, incomplete [I was thinking maybe the incompleteness of all of my works could be my signature. Lazy me loves this idea because I could just stop when I ran out of time, got hungry, didn't feel like drawing anymore, and blame it all on my artistic vision. Flash forward to me explaining my art when I am a highly successful artist appearing in Newbury street galleries: "What, you think they appear incomplete, silly art viewers? No, no, these are not unfinished pieces. I believe that art is the manifestation of life in a visual form, and to complete a drawing would be to complete a life, meaning, death. My works are life at its fullest, yet raw, fragile, and incomplete."]

Moving on, here is the drawing in full incomplete glory (the other drawings I posted I was able to crop so that they appeared complete, but this one was drawn in such a way I couldn't do that. Oh well. The truth is out):

Here is one of my favorite sections-- the pink flower in the center. When drawing this part, I actually started to think in a different way. Now I have forgotten what the method behind my madness was, but if I remember it one day I believe I could be quite talented.

The last detail of this final drawing: the white flowers up in the corner. I think I love these because when I used to draw in high school I would obsess over white spaces and maintaining the purity of the white. This is the exact opposite of obsession, because I didn't have to worry about maintaining the white space. I threw grey in there with abandon. Pink! Blue even. Who knew white was so colorful? (Well, aside from the fact that white is the combination of all of the colors, as I learned in physics. I know, I know, I am a nerd. I can't help it sometimes.)

Since my mom sneakily lifted my blog's website off of my instant messenger profile, read it, and then admitted what she had done, this post goes out to her. Marmie, I wouldn't have you any other way. (I can't make it too easy for you, you know. Where would be the fun in telling you I had a blog and giving you the address? Where would the challenge be in that?)

The Onion

2007-07-23T19:31:00.001-04:00

Even though I shouldn't be bored at work because I have about a million things to get done this week, I have started reading the Onion, aka my favorite online fake news source. Unfortunately for me, I am a fast reader and run out of Onion to read pretty quickly, so unfortunately for you I have started writing my own fake news in my head to pass the time which will now be transcribed on this post. Dum dum dum:

Elevator phenomenon occurs at EF Education

Cambridge, MA- At promptly 5:30 PM daily at One Education Street, a miracle happens: the three, typically out-of-order elevators are suddenly able to hold hundreds of people at one time. Normally, the jerry-built elevators of the EF building have a limit of 10 people or 1870 lbs, but for some reason when the clock strikes the end of the day, more and more people can pack into the elevators at every floor.

"It's odd," says one Customer Service Staff member whose desk is located on floor nine, "In order to get a spot in the elevator previously to this phenomenon we'd all have to go up one level to floor ten, just to ride it down to ground. Now, when the elevator comes down from 10 to 9, there seems to be an infinite amount of space available, irregardless to the fact that it should have exceeded its capacity by that point."

Even the 10th floor elevator hogs are shocked by this inexplicable event that keeps repeating itself day by day. "We used to enjoy laughing at the HULT kids with their big hair and funny clothes when they failed to get a spot on the elevator by the time it hit floor 5. Now, however, the international business students can easily fit. All of a sudden, the floor ten staffers are the odd ones out as conversations start up in seven different languages."

Everyone has a different theory as to why this is happening. Some say that it is due to the fact that the space and time continuum stops between 5:30 and 5:40 PM, thus defying all logic and reality. Others believe it is because so many are out on summer vacation, have quit, or have moved to Denver. Still more believe it is because EF has opened a branch of Weight Watchers in the building and the success of the program has resulted in smaller people. The last theory, however, has been shot down by one HULT student who accidentally signed up for his MBA thinking it would give him a degree in advanced arithmetic. He retorted, "The claim that EF staff members are suddenly smaller just doesn't make sense. If the weight limit of the elevator is 1870 lbs, that means if 100 people were to fit then average weight would be 18.7 lbs, which is a ridiculous number for a full grown person."

Although it appears there is no explanation to this phenomenom, it is indeed true. Both of the front desk security regulators who are on duty at 5:30 PM, Henry and the grumpy old white haired man, have individually and seperately reported "an uncountable number of people" streaming out of those elevator doors when it hits the ground. Even Front Desk Girl admitted that she couldn't "count as high as the number of EF staffers" that can fit in one elevator on a weekday evening.

This phenomenon, however, only works in one direction- on the way down. Between 9 and 9:30 AM, the maximum number of EF staff that can fit in an elevator going up is about 5 people, or a weight limit of 678 lbs.

Color Me Wonderful Part Deux

2007-07-21T11:20:00.000-04:00

When I started taking this class, believe me, I was skeptical about this woman's philosophy on how to draw. I mean, draw from the inside out? Come on. Not to mention, we started each class laying on the ground. Yes, that is right. We had to lay on the ground to get inspired. Most times I fell asleep, daydreamed, or momentarily forgot I was in a class. Needless to say, I thought the whole thing was a little cheesy. I still do, to be honest. But, one thing I did learn: oil pastels don't suck. I actually kind of like them and I will tell you why. For all of you who know me, I have a little bit of a split personality. I can go with the flow and I can be kind of flaky and all that, but then there is this other side of me that is extremely OCD. At work I need to have everything organized and when I draw I like things to be perfect (which is why I normally stick to pencil). Oil pastels don't allow for perfection. So I quickly learned that when things don't turn out like you want them to, just go with the flow. So, that's what I learned from art class, kids. Go with the flow. Here is my art class in review:

Look at the beautiful colors! (See the first post about this art class to really understand what this image means).

My first attempt at drawing a still life (I call this "Dead Flowers"). This is actually one of my favorite incomplete drawings that I did. I really wish I had time to finish it. I sit next to this women Ann who is my archnemesis. She is done with her entire drawing before I even finish a flower. I am not even kidding.

Green on Green (This is when I really mastered the "Draw the foreground and the background at the same time" technique, which is why it doesn't look like anything in particular. My teacher loved it though, because the colors were just so "vibrant." It was after I almost completed this drawing that I retook my status of teacher's pet over Ann Speedy Fingers.)

An apple. (I spent 45 minutes drawing this apple. After the 20 minute warm up laying in the grass, the 15 minute schpeel on how some things are lighter than others (really? you don't say), and the 10 minute break after 45 minutes of drawing, you can see why I might not have finished the rest of the drawing in only 30 minutes. My teacher couldn't. She said, "You start out so beautifully, and then.... the rest just looks incomplete." Talk about stating the obvious.)

I am not sure what the last class will hold. I am not sure if my teacher is sure what the last class will hold. When we left last Tuesday she was muttering quietly to herself: "I know what we will do next class. Yes! I know just the thing." When we asked if we had any homework (as if), she said, "Oh no. Just bring yourselves. And your things. And your artistic spirit. That will do the trick." Hopefully I can find my artistic spirit before Tues and I will be all set.

The To-Do List

2007-06-27T13:34:00.001-04:00

Periodically, I am going to update all of you on the progress (or lack thereof) of the To-Do List you see on the right hand side of the page. This won't be pretty:

1. Learn to Surf. I've always wanted to learn how to surf. I am going to postpone this one until my friend Courtney moves to Costa Rica so she can teach me on a beach there. New England just isn't condusive to surfing. Plus, I don't own a surfboard. Yet.

2. Grow a plant before killing it. Ah yes. To be honest, I have failed at this so many times, I am a little afraid to try again. My latest attempt included oregano and a mini terra cotta pot. With much ado, I planted at least 300 tiny little seeds hoping one would sprout. After forgetting to water it for several weeks, the soil dried up and nothing happened. I replenished the mini garden with some water, with no luck. Still no sprouts. I am not optimistic.

3. Learn to play electric guitar and/or drums. I honestly haven't even tried to work on this one. First, I need access to the aforementioned instruments and a teacher. Second, my only real reason for wanting to play the guitar is because there is this awesome lemon yellow one that I love and I want it. It seems silly to buy an instrument I don't know how to play. I don't really know anything about guitars either. The reason I'd substitute learning the drums is because I think they would be good to get out some of the rage. Also, if you don't like your neighbors, drums are any easy way to create enemies. Plus, it is so rockstar. Last, I can practice on pots and pans using chopsticks, which makes it quite conveniant considering we have all of these things in our kitchen.

4. Learn to draw (again). Did I mention I skipped my drawing class this week?

5. Go one month without buying a pair of shoes. I am almost there. Just about 2 more weeks and I can indulge myself.

6. Experiment with sugar art. I recently discovered my roommate owns one of those silicone mats. She thinks it is good for rolling out biscuit dough. I think it is good for pouring molten hot sugar liquid onto for molding purposes. All I need is a candy thermometer and an apartment free of disapproving roommates to get this one complete. Piece of cake.

7. Write something and get it published somewhere. Does this blog count? Prob not. I guess I should start writing real things soon.

8. Run a 5k in less than 30 minutes. This one was put on there mainly for pride purposes. I can't have my mom beating my ass at 5ks. However, considering I have been too lazy to run lately, I am nowhere near this goal. I have a road race in September, though. I will let you know how that goes.

In a nutshell, it appears I am only close to accomplishing the one about not buying shoes. Considering how tight my budget has been lately, this was kind of an easy one. However, it is important to celebrate even the most minor accomplishments. Maybe on my month shoe-free anniversary, my roommate will make me an ugly sheet cake as a reward.

Kit- E

2007-06-27T13:34:00.000-04:00

Although I could bore you with the story about being stranded at sea this past Sunday, this post is going to be about our new cat.

Yes, that's right, my apartment (or actually my roommate, Lauren) recently procured a cat. Her name is Mika, but for short we will now be calling her Punky, because her legs are mismatched. (She is that multicolored variety that could be called Tabby or maybe Calico? We are not sure entirely, because we are not entirely cat people.)

Anyway, she needed a home, so since Lauren had been secretly craigslisting cats, she jumped at the opportunity to take this one in.

I think it is important for everyone to note that we are actually not really cat people. I myself have always hesitated to get a cat because I hear that they multiply much in the way of rabbits... first you have one, then you have many. In the case of rabbits you can blame the abundance on that they are in fact, rabbits, it goes without saying they will multiply. However, if you have multiple cats, and you are female, and single, then you will be called "crazy cat lady". Granted, I don't think at age 25 one could really be called a crazy cat lady, but then again, this is how it begins... get one cat at 25, by 50 you have an infininite number of cats. Since Mika is not my cat, I am fortunately not on my way to being a crazy cat lady, but I do have to watch it. In one year, if the cats have multiplied, I will probably need to move out to avoid catching the crazy cat lady disease.

Since I have never owned a cat, it is my personal goal to make this cat act like a dog. It is day 2 on the project, and this is proving to be much more difficult than expected. First of all, a cat is actually nothing like a dog. Dogs greet you at the door. Cats do not. So far when I have come in I have had to physically track down the cat and drag her out from her hiding space or seat on the window sill so she can properly say hello. This is a work in progress, though. Once I can figure out a way to lure her to me without physical force I think I can accomplish this. The problem is my gut instinct says food will do the trick, but this kitty is a little on the chubby side, so treats are out.

Dogs also like to play with humans. I have found so far, that cats are pretty happy entertaining themselves. Just leave out a ball of yarn and they will happily paw and roll that ball around by themselves for hours (well okay, minutes). Operation turn this cat into a dog: I tried engaging Mika with a ball. First, I rolled it around so she was interested in it. Then, I rolled it towards her, hoping she'd fetch. She looked at it and then proceeded to clean herself. Later, after I had lost interest in the damn thing, I catch her secretly playing with the ball. Without me! To quote Stephanie Tanner: How rude. Dogs are constantly try to get affection and interest from their owners, whereas cats are the opposite. The owners try to catch the interest of their cat.

Despite striking out these past two days, I have not given up. I am quite certain I will get this cat to not only love me, play with me, greet me at the door, but also I will have her sitting, staying, rolling over, and playing dead.

I hate riding the bus

2007-06-25T20:26:00.000-04:00

I really don't like riding the bus. Today, while on the bus sitting next to smelly man #7 (bus people don't have names, they go by numbers) I was thinking of all the reasons I didn't like the bus, and although I'd love to bore you with all 117 items I thought of, the main underlying reason I don't like riding the bus is because it is just not cool. It is the least cool of all modes of transportation and it has zero hope of ever gaining cool status. Every single mode of transportation out there is better than the bus. Even a tricyle is cooler than riding the bus.

Think about it, as far as transportation goes, here are your options.

1. Let's start with cars. Even if you have a shitty car, you can make it cool. I drove a piece of shit car all through high school and college and loved it. For like a month (maybe more, let's be realistic) the muffler was broken and I am pretty sure my neighbors hated me as I woke them up at the crack of dawn to get to work, however, it got me where I needed to go and I felt like a rockstar in it even when it would break down. The whole premise of the show Pimp My Ride is to make shitty cars cooler. Have you ever seen a show called Pimp my bus? Hell no. Even what's his face knows he can't pimp a bus.

2. Trains. They are classic. They bring up memories of moving West and classy dining cars. Even public transit trains are fine. I'd rather be broken down on the T sitting next to a smelly drunk than be in the same situation on a bus.

3. Boats. I don't think I need to explain this one. Boats are just cool. Pirates have boats and they are cool. It is the transitive property I think that makes this work. Also, it is the second favorite monopoly piece of most people. (I think the car takes first place on that one. Unless you are me, I always liked the thimble).

[New addition: when I first published this post, I totally disregarded air travel. That was a huge mistake, and I apologize].

3.5 Airplanes. I didn't even think of air travel as a possibility and mainly that is because it is so obviously cool. If you are taking your private jet to work then you must be cool. You know how they always say money doesn't buy happiness? well, they are right. Money buys coolness. Even if you are not an independently rich jet setter, you can still be cool while flying economy class. Even budget airlines like JetBlue are cool. The only place on the plane that is uncool is that last seat next to the bathroom. If you often find yourself sitting in that seat, you might want to give yourself a once over and check for the following: do you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Are your jeans stonewashed? Do you pick your nose in public? If any of the above apply, change your ways my friend, and you will be moving up in the ranks of economy flight travel.

4. Mopeds. Hi. If you haven't met me you might not know I am in love with Vespas. If a Vespa could get me from Boston to CT in less than 6 hours I would be all over it. Also if I lived in a place where winter didn't suck. I'm on the Vespa mailing list and I drool when I see the catalogue every season. If anyone wants to surprise me with a big gift in the near future, I will take a PX 150 in Vintage Green.

5. Motorcycles. Even though I would surely choose a Vespa over a motorcycle any day, let's face it, motorcycles are cool in that scary biker I am going to run you over sort of way.

6. Bicycles. There is this new light weight vintage looking bike that I love, I think it is called the Amsterdam. Anyway, bikes are another classic thing everyone probably had at one point (except maybe Krissy). When you were a kid everyone knew who had the cool bikes. This is probably how cliques got started. My first bike was white with pink flowers and it had a white basket with pink flowers on it and streamers that were (you guessed it) pink. Once when I was riding my bike my wheel came off. I think I was 6. I had to drag it home while running away from the old lady who lived down the street. In retrospect she was probably trying to help me. Hindsight is always 20/20.

7. Your feet. I am a pedestrian. Since I don't have any of the above modes of transportation, I rely on my feet to get me where I am going. This is brilliant for me because I like shoes. I budget my car money for shoes. A normal person would probably save a set amount every month in order to one day buy a car. Not me. I spend my car money on shoes and my insurance money on coats. Needless to say, I have a lot of shoes and coats (hence item number 5 on my to-do list).

8. Finally, we are at the bus. The epitome of uncool. Even when you were a kid you knew that there was only one part of the bus that was cool. That was in the back. You know why that was the coolest place to sit? Not because when you hit a bump you'd fly up and knock your head on the ceiling. No no. It was, in fact, because in case of an emergency you had to jump out the back. No cool kid ever wants to be caught dead in a bus. Literally.

I think I made my point here. New goal, find a job that doesn't require me to take the bus to work. Or, more likely, take the T to work instead.

A Weekend in S Dub

2007-06-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

This weekend, while at home hanging out with the family, I realized my tendency to tell long stories doesn't fall from from the tree. Here is how my family tells stories:

My mom: Hon, tell the girls what happened with the fishbowl. (Side note: My dad wouldn't tell us anything if my mom didn't tell him to.)

My dad: Well, I was over there by the counter and your mother had put this yankee candle thing that no one would ever know was there right in that corner. But I don't know how anyone could even see that this candle was there, I don't think anyone would ever see it, really, I am not even sure why anyone would put a candle in such a weird place. So anyway, I was reaching up to get something, maybe a wine glass or something in that cabinet. And then I guess I hit the candle, with my arm or something, and it smashed into the fish bowl and then all of a sudden the fishbowl had shattered into pieces all over the counter. And water went everywhere. There was at least a million gallons of water in that fishbowl that was all over our kitchen.

Mom: Tell them about the fish.

Dad: The fish was flopping around like a maniac so I scooped it up and threw it into this jar of water that was on the counter.

Me: There was a jar of water just sitting right there? Why was there a jar of water on the kitchen counter?

Dad: I don't know why it was there.. It was just there.

Me: Wait, so a random jar that was filled with water for no reason was on the kitchen counter, next to the invisible Yankee candle that no one would know even existed if you hadn't knocked it into the fishbowl- And that is how the fishbowl broke, pouring at least a million gallons of water all over the kitchen, while the fish was swimming in it but the fish didn't die?

Dad: Yes, basically, that's what happened.

Need I say more?

In other news, my little sister is home from studying abroad in Australia, which is good because now my mom will be distracted and won't expect me to return her phone calls or emails immediately. I also saw an old friend I hadn't seen in a while, which was nice, and I realized old friends are good for reality checks. Or maybe unreality checks. Only time will tell.

Color Me Wonderful

2007-06-22T19:46:00.000-04:00

As part of the Summer of Jenn initiative, I have decided to take a drawing class. I didn't feel like drawing left handed with my eyes closed like all of those beginner courses require (since I am such an experienced artist and all, I am way beyond blind contour drawings of my hand), but wasn't quite up for all that the Intermediate and Advanced levels entailed (I am not really sure what they entailed, but I would rather be safe than sorry), so I opted for a class entitled "Drawing with Color."

The First Class:
So, on Day 1 I go into the class equipped with my prismacolor pencils and a smile. (Actually, I wasn't really smiling, I just wanted you to know I was really excited to be there). Our teacher comes in and first informs us she is going to be "a little bit crazy" due to the fact she teaches art in an elementary school and it is the last week of classes. She failed to let us know that "a little bit crazy" in elementary school art teacher speak actually means "a lot crazy" in normal person language. Fortunately, this is not a wasted course. In that first class, I learned a lot, including, but not limited to, the following:

1. Always feel the paper before you buy.
2. Always feel the colors before you buy.
3. When drawing with colors, draw with feeling and from the inside out.
4. Oil pastels are the best choice of color.
5. The oil pastels that feel like lipstick are of the best quality, however, they melt when it is summer. They are perfect in the winter, though. (It was at this point in the lesson that my new best friend forever, Edith, started to pretend her oil pastels were lipsticks).
6. Colored pencil is too linear to really demonstrate the body and life of colors.
7. The last week of school makes teachers crazy.
8. Ochre is Edith's favorite color because it matches her shirt.
9. Homework, is not only optional, but also required. But really optional. But you should do the homework, not because it is required, but because it is fun.
10. BU has the worst art school ever. (If you went to BU for Art, my teacher probably doesn't like you.)

The Second Class:
This time, I came better prepared. [I picked up some oil pastels on the way in (at the art store I made a new friend who helped me pick out a good set. I told him that I didn't really like oil pastels that much because they are too chunky but I was being forced to use them for a class. He made me try-and feel- every type they had and we settled on the superior quality cray pas not because they were the best or the worst, but because I said "Cray pas! I had these in elementary school." We both felt that the memory of elementary school art might make me like oil pastels more than some stuffy brand. Plus, they were the closest I could get to the lipstick consistency without spending all of my money).]

Once in class I sat next to Edith again, because as I said before, we are now art class BFFs. She showed me what she worked on over the weekend. I said I liked it. Then she asked me if I was liking the oil pastels. I said, not really, I still like colored pencils best. She replied with, "Why? You like being in control?" Touche, Edith, touche.

The assignment du jour was to blend colors together. We had to use either oil pastels or regular pastels. Since I had gone out and bought the oil pastels I thought I might as well use them. So I went about the task of blending my limited palette of colors with one another. What I created was actually stripes of colorful browns (if you can imagine that). It looked a lot like shit. Then, we had to go around the room and look at everyone's color blends. When the teacher got to mine, she oohed and ahhhed and said how much she loved it. Then she made everyone gather round to ogle my apparently lovely brown stripes and describe the beautiful colors that were on there. One girl said one of the colors looked like New Mexico. The teacher told her that wasn't a color, did anyone see an actual color? Everyone was quiet so I said "Brown?" That wasn't a good answer, either, apparently-- although Edith chuckled with her French Canadian accent. (The correct answers were Taupe, Olive, Ochre, and Burnt Sienna.) The whole scenario reminded me of Freshman year "I want to blow" (another story for another day, perhaps). Incidentally, I am a fantastic blender of colors, and if this course was graded I would probably get an A.

Things I learned:
1. Brown is not brown.
2. If you think it is ugly, you are probably wrong.
3. Picasso was never good with color.
4. Oil pastels suck.
5. New Mexico is not a color, it is a state.
6. Cray Pas is fun to say.