Nextel cell phones are really walkie-talkies

ON THE BUS, Yesterday- Just months after Nextel and Sprint's merge to become the New Sprint, a bumblebee colored cellular service provider, Nextel's long-kept secret was revealed: their cell phones are really walkie talkies.

"When we decided to form a union with Nextel, we had no idea the skeletons they had in their closet," said the CEO of the New Sprint at a press conference Monday. "After an investigation into said closet, we found the rumors to be true. Nextel cell phones really are walkie-talkies."

According to top secret sources who go by Fung Wah and Lucky Star, the employees at the Nextel factory in Beijing (or what they refer to as the Toy Factory) are encouraged to use their creativity when decorating children's play walkie-talkies to look like cell phones.

"We get the walkie talkies shipped in from Tawain, and then we are allowed to go to town. We can spray paint them in metallic colors, hot glue shiny things we found on the streets to use for buttons- anything to make the walkie-talkies look like cell phones is permitted, " reported Mr. Wah.

According to Ms. Star, the phones had no actual functionality as real cell phones. "Americans don't care how their phones work. They always talk about 'dropped calls' and 'no bars.' Cell phones not working is to be expected. We make that expectation a reality."

The number keys on these alleged phones worked to dial calls (or rather "change channels"), but text messaging was out. "When people complained they couldn't get the letters to spell out words, we blamed it on their lack of experience with the T9 function," said one Customer Service Representative. (To call customer service, Nextel users just had to switch their phones to the conveniant channel 9. Customer Service was available 24 hours a day, provided you were within a half mile radius.)

Once the "phones" arrive in the US, Nextel sales staff are trained in how to convince their consumers that they want the walkie-talkie service on their cell phone. "This isn't too hard," said one former Nextel sales rep who got canned after the merge, "All you have to do is remind the person about their best friend who used to live across the street and how they used tin cans tied with string to communicate. Their eyes get weepy and then they are sold on the walkie-talkie feature. Even our crappiest phone works better than a tin can."

The whole Nextel scandal was revealed one day when a Nextel customer dropped her "phone" on the bus going from Cambridge to Somerville. She had been happily beeping her way through a delightful conversation that everyone on the bus was privy to, when the vehicle hit a bump and her "phone" went flying. It landed on the foot of a cell phone connosseuir, Mr Dwight Sharp. One if its hastily stuck-on keys (the second 7) had broken off and it was the phone's shoddy craftmanship that caused Mr. Sharp to investigate further.

After pressing what he thought to be the volume on the side, the "phone" emitted a loud squeal that sounded like a cross between a goose and a baby gurgling. Then a voice came through the static. Although he couldn't decipher a word the person on the other side was saying he immediately recognized the device to be a walkie-talkie. As he handed it back to the woman who had dropped it, he suggested she "look into that."

She certainly did. As soon as she was within range of the Nextel Customer Service office, the duped women gave them an earful and threatened to sue in between blips and beeps of the phone/walkie talkie. Several other Nextel customers were rallied as well as many former Nextel employees who were disgruntled because their severence package after the merge was sub par. Shit certainly hit the fan when the suit went to Court, and even Chief Nextel officials couldn't sweet talk their way out of the walkie-talkie debacle.

The New Sprint has had minimal comments regarding the whole situation. Since they like their "new snazzy colors" they are afraid to drop the Nextel brand entirely, but selling walkie-talkies certainly isn't something they plan on continuing.

The general public, to be frank, was relieved. Most are fed up with the cell phones that acted like walkie-talkies anyway. "It was a trend that lasted far too long," comented one commuter. "I mean, why would we want our cell phones to work the way walkie-talkies do anyway? It was fun to have those as kids, but it seems silly to be saying 'Roger that' and 'Do you copy?' during my business conference calls."

Several others agreed that the walkie talkie phone was on its way out regardless of the scandal. Having to listen to other people shout into phones/walkie talkies almost caused one woman to have a conniption. In fact, a team of research scientists are currently working on a project that finds a correlation between walkie-talking bleeps on the way to work and the elusive case of the Mondays.

Bored is the new blog

I was perusing craigslist's free section (I am not sure why I bother because I have never actually gone to pick up any of the free things that these people leave on the sides of their roads. Normally they are time sensitive ads and since I am at work there is no way I'd make it in time to pick up that baby grand piano that is missing a few keys, severely out of tune, and lacking legs). But seriously, this one takes the cake.

Free empty soda bottles and cans. Because the $2 I am going to earn by redeeming these is so worth my time and energy to go pick them up. I know some people (those less fortunate) go around and pick through trash looking for empty cans/bottles to bring to the grocery store to get some easy cash. However, these people most likely do not have internet access. No need to post your empty bottles on craigslist, people. That is just a waste of our time. Oh yeah, there was a photo too:


And in case you were in the market for air conditioners, these are so the ones I'd snag. Man, if you want to get rid of these ACs, I'd suggest leaving the photos out of the ad.

(The ad was classic, too. It made no guarentees that they actually worked. "Five years ago when I bought these they worked. Since then they've been sitting in the garage collecting rust.")

I like pretty things

Sorry to get all girly on this blog, but as of late I have become obsessed with pretty things- especially jewelry. I think it might be partly due to the fact that I went to that art/craft fair in Davis two weekends ago and Newburyport this past weekend. There are just so many pretty things around! The posts below log what I have been dreaming about. Enjoy.

Kathy Bransfield

LJ and I went to Newburyport this past weekend and visited a lot of really cute shops. One such store had this great reusable lunch bag that I want (it was green AND it had strawberries on it! How perfect. At $18 for the bag, the price was not.) Anyway, that's not what this is about. While there, I also saw these great pendants by Kathy Bransfield. Since I love stars, these two designs are totally up my alley.

(A special note just to LJ: She also has a few charms that include text in brail! Thought you'd like that. I think one says "Love is blind." That might be too cheesey for you and your "I hate hearts" attitude, but I thought you'd appreciate it anyway.)

Pagliei Collection

Ages ago my roommate LJ was obsessed with these Pagliei dumpling charms. We were both thinking about them the other night, wishing we had Peirogi and Ravioli pendants to wear. These are the sort of trinkets that make me long for a charm bracelet. Who am I kidding- I don't need a charm bracelet to enjoy these dumplings. Tortellini looks great on a necklace.

I also love their new Waxing Poetic line. (I always loved sealing wax.) Currently I am looking for a pen pal so I can make use of the silver wax I just found in my room while cleaning. Don't tell my landlord though. She doesn't allow us to use candles, so I am sure lighting a bar of wax on fire to drip onto envelopes is also off limits. (Obviously I picked this particular image because it is a J. It's all about me.)

Twigs and Heather

These cute designs by Twigs and Heather make me feel at one with nature. Once upon a time I really did used to like the great outdoors. Since I am a city girl now, I will have to settle on wearing one of these twigs around my neck and pretend to be camping in the wilderness.

Nancy Dobbs Owen

How pretty are these rings by Nancy Dobbs Owen? I saw these when I was in San Fran last summer at a store called Ooma. Of course, me being me, looked at them at the time and said to my roommate, Liz: "I can make these myself." It's been a year... have I made my own versions of these? Nope. I guess I will just have to use this as inspiration to get crafty. Maybe a year from now you will see me sporting my own beaded rings.