Why trying to meet a guy in Boston is like being on Rock of Love

Those of you who knew VH1 when it was still "Video Hits One" or even when it was referred to as "Music First" would be surprised to know it is now the place where washed up celebs go to star in their own reality TV shows. I'm not exaggerating. I watched VH1 for a few hours yesterday and did not see a single video hit. Not a one. I did, however, see Scott Baio and the actor who played Peter from the Brady Bunch.

Anyway, while I was watching what turned into a VH1 marathon session, I began to come to a few conclusions as to why the dating scene in Boston is so messed up. Why? All of the guys in Boston seem to think they are participating in the VH1 reality program Rock of Love.

Oh, you've never seen Rock of Love? Let me fill you in on the deets. It is basically a rock music inspired version of The Bachelor with Bret Michaels as the bachelor and a lot of girls all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed vying for the part of his future girlfriend. Instead of roses, at the end of every episode he hands out back stage passes and says "Will you stay here and continue to rock my world?" (Some of you may ask, 'who is Bret Michaels?' And although it has been posed 'Does anyone really know Bret Michaels?' the easy answer is that he is the former lead vocalist of the band Poison).

Here is how the Boston bar scene is like any episode of Rock of Love:

1. The Chase (or lack thereof). The guys just have to sit back and relax while the girls come to them. In any given bar in Boston on a Friday night, you will witness this phenomena. Like on Rock of Love, it doesn't matter what you look like if you are male- you could be a long locked, long lashed, bandanna wearing former lead singer of a band that I had to wikipedia to remember- and still have skinny girls in sparkly tops lined up in the hopes of getting your number.

2. The Competition. You might think talent shows and high kick competitions are limited to reality TV dating programs, but you are wrong. Have you heard of Karaoke night? What about dance-offs? Even twirling and mom-dancing aren't innocent moves. These are all ways the young ladies try to hook the young gentlemen. In real life, though, just as in TV, you need not be the best singer or the nicest person to win a date. I thought for surezies that Inna was toast because she was "rude to [my guest] Joan, and that is just disrespectful" but in the end Bret Michaels kept her on anyway.

3. The Drama. We like to blame the producers of the aforementioned reality TV show for keeping the drama queens on the program week after week after week. I mean, it does give us something to discuss the next morning at the water cooler if the "roller coaster of drama" is kept on even after Bret mislead us by saying "I like crazy girls, but this girl might be too crazy even for me." Come on. It's not the producers who want to keep Kristy Joe on the show, it is Bret Michaels himself. Bret, you wear mascara and I am pretty sure you make extra cash by being a hair model for Pantene, but I know your type. I'm almost a hundred percent wiki-certain that you used to blow up cars on stages for a living so I am confident that the fact Kristy Joe is a little melodramatic won't cramp your style. Boston men like drama, too. They aren't going to choose the wallflowers or the shrinking violets. No no no. They are going to choose the tall brunette who is having fun dancing with every guy while simultaneously looking mysterious with smoky eyes and choreographed hair flips... even though her ridiculously long nails reek of high maintenance and she didn't tip the bartender because he did not shake her cocktail with the proper amount of 'oompf.'

4. The Final Decision. That's as serious as it sounds. We all witnessed Bret this past week as he had to make the hard choice on who to send away. To quote Mr. Michaels himself: "I now need to shut down, go to my room, be alone, and think about this. Because somebody is going home." It is as though he is surprised he has to let someone go and he can't have them all "stay here and continue to rock [his] world." In Boston, most guys are shocked at the end of the night when the lights come on, the music turns off, and they are faced with sweaty girls and their surprisingly poor complexions with whom they have been flirting all night and now they have to decide whose number to ask for.

All in all, I'd say Rock of Love and the Boston bar scene are spitting images of each other. In either 4 years or 20 minutes from now, the whole concept of "I like you, you like me, let's get coffee" is going to become obsolete. Instead, we will be forced to mingle amongst our peers while being judged from afar on the length of our hair, the amount of sparkle in our eyes, and whether or not we can sing the Star Spangled Banner without using a cheat sheet. Only the lucky few will be plucked from the throngs to live in the promised land with Bret Michaels, where we will continue to rock his world.