Hairball

Did I mention I hate taking the bus? Have I ever mentioned that waiting for the bus is almost just as bad as taking the bus?

In the spring and summer and early fall I almost don't mind the bus wait, because it is usually a pleasant experience. I go to True Grounds for a coffee or a slice of banana bread. I read a book. I listen to my iPod. It's generally kind of nice and relaxing.

Today, I got out there early. Ran to get my first hot coffee beverage of the season (Medium Mocha with Skim milk), then went out to the bus stop and started waiting. As I am listening to my pod I see a golden blond strand of hair waft by my face. Then another. And another. One almost blows in my mouth as I take a sip of my delectable coffee.

Disgusted, I look around. A woman is brushing her hair at the bus stop.

Okay, maybe she didn't have time to get this done in the comfort of her home in front of her vanity. I know I am one to rush out the door before putting on my makeup. Sometimes I haven't even dried my hair. I am not one to judge others for running late and needing to do things on the fly.

However, this woman's hair looked fine. She was sort of like Marcia Brady who used to brush 100 strokes in order to have glossy Panteve Pro-V hair model hair. Thus, the brushing at the bus stop was completely unneccessary and served no real purpose. (I could almost understand if she had rats nest hair and had to make herself presentable. That wasn't the case.)

Furthermore, if she wanted to put in her neccessary 100 strokes, she should just wait til she got to work or wherever she was going. There is no point to brush your hair that much pre-commute. It's only gonna get messed up when you leave the bus and walk through the Lechemere wind tunnel. Also, it's not like she was trying to impress someone who rides the bus. (There is no one of interest on the bus. They are all taken. All the cool kids have cars anyway).

Basically, the point of this story is, now even waiting for the bus means terrible things could happen like getting a stranger's hair in your coffee. Awesome.

The Car Search (Part 1)

So recently, I have decided I want a car. I know nothing will ever replace Mini-Me, but I think it is time for me to move on with my life and join the ranks of those who drive.

[Did you know I hate the bus? Today I took a bus from Eastham to Hyannis. Then another bus from Hyannis to Boston. Did I mention that we had to get off route 6 at every town to do a loop in empty parking lots to pick up people who weren't there and then merge back into the traffic? Also, once I arrived in Boston, I then had to take the T and then another bus-- okay the second bus was by choice and because I didn't feel like walking the 7.5 minutes to my apartment from the T-stop, but still. It was a lot of transportation for one day. And it took over 4 hours in total. If I had a car I would have been home in half the time, no walking required.]

Now, I do have a few specifications of what I am looking for and although some may call me picky and even finicky, the truth is I am actually no more than just a little particular. Here is what I want in a car- if you have any leads on cars that meet the following requirements, please do let me know.

Requirement 1: Old. I do not want a new car. I know this sounds silly, but I have never felt comfortable driving a new car unless it is a Mini Cooper. Since I cannot afford a Mini Cooper, why settle for a new non-Mini Cooper? Instead, I'd rather a car that is well in its years. I think the newest car I'd like is a 2000. I have always felt the year 00 is a good year for cars. Maybe it is because of all the hype in general about that year that makes me feel that way, but anyway, that's as young as I'd like. I'm also a bit of a daredevil, so I like to feel as though I am about to die while driving. Gives me that rush, you know.

Requirement 2: I like 2 doors. I also like Hatchbacks. I live in a city. This means, I don't want a large boat of a car. The only large vehicle I'd ever consider driving is a VW bus or an old camper. Only because that would be highly impractical for a city girl such as myself and thus hysterical. I never said my reasons for wanting what I want is logical.

Requirement 3: Cheap. I do not make gobs of money at my job. I also do not need to drive this car every day. It seems silly for me to spend a lot of money on a car that I won't use daily, and I also hate monthly payments. I know this is probably low, but I really would only like to spend about $3000 on this car. (I found this 2002 Mini Cooper online for only $2900. Unfortunately it was a total scam. Fortunately, I am smart enough to figure that out before wiring off my savings to some man in Idaho-- or was it Iowa?)

Preference 1: Standard transmission. I know I will probably kick myself if I actually get a standard car and then keep getting stuck in traffic. However, that one summer when I drove stick I really enjoyed it. I tend to get bored in a car. And if I am getting a car that is old and cheap, I can't count on having a stereo system. Driving standard will give me something to do if I am forced to ride in silence.

Preference 2: Colors I like in cars, in order-- any green besides hunter green, red, dark gray or black, lemon yellow, orange, brown, blue.

Prefernce 3: I like VW Cabrios and Cabriolets. I like Saab 900 series hatchbacks. I like 2 door Nissans. I like other VWs as long as they are small. I love Mini Coopers. I'd also take an old beetle. Really, if it is adorable and small and described as a fun ride, I'd probably like it.

If you know anyone who is selling a car, let me know.

Also, Mom, I do not want your Saturn.

Nextel cell phones are really walkie-talkies

ON THE BUS, Yesterday- Just months after Nextel and Sprint's merge to become the New Sprint, a bumblebee colored cellular service provider, Nextel's long-kept secret was revealed: their cell phones are really walkie talkies.

"When we decided to form a union with Nextel, we had no idea the skeletons they had in their closet," said the CEO of the New Sprint at a press conference Monday. "After an investigation into said closet, we found the rumors to be true. Nextel cell phones really are walkie-talkies."

According to top secret sources who go by Fung Wah and Lucky Star, the employees at the Nextel factory in Beijing (or what they refer to as the Toy Factory) are encouraged to use their creativity when decorating children's play walkie-talkies to look like cell phones.

"We get the walkie talkies shipped in from Tawain, and then we are allowed to go to town. We can spray paint them in metallic colors, hot glue shiny things we found on the streets to use for buttons- anything to make the walkie-talkies look like cell phones is permitted, " reported Mr. Wah.

According to Ms. Star, the phones had no actual functionality as real cell phones. "Americans don't care how their phones work. They always talk about 'dropped calls' and 'no bars.' Cell phones not working is to be expected. We make that expectation a reality."

The number keys on these alleged phones worked to dial calls (or rather "change channels"), but text messaging was out. "When people complained they couldn't get the letters to spell out words, we blamed it on their lack of experience with the T9 function," said one Customer Service Representative. (To call customer service, Nextel users just had to switch their phones to the conveniant channel 9. Customer Service was available 24 hours a day, provided you were within a half mile radius.)

Once the "phones" arrive in the US, Nextel sales staff are trained in how to convince their consumers that they want the walkie-talkie service on their cell phone. "This isn't too hard," said one former Nextel sales rep who got canned after the merge, "All you have to do is remind the person about their best friend who used to live across the street and how they used tin cans tied with string to communicate. Their eyes get weepy and then they are sold on the walkie-talkie feature. Even our crappiest phone works better than a tin can."

The whole Nextel scandal was revealed one day when a Nextel customer dropped her "phone" on the bus going from Cambridge to Somerville. She had been happily beeping her way through a delightful conversation that everyone on the bus was privy to, when the vehicle hit a bump and her "phone" went flying. It landed on the foot of a cell phone connosseuir, Mr Dwight Sharp. One if its hastily stuck-on keys (the second 7) had broken off and it was the phone's shoddy craftmanship that caused Mr. Sharp to investigate further.

After pressing what he thought to be the volume on the side, the "phone" emitted a loud squeal that sounded like a cross between a goose and a baby gurgling. Then a voice came through the static. Although he couldn't decipher a word the person on the other side was saying he immediately recognized the device to be a walkie-talkie. As he handed it back to the woman who had dropped it, he suggested she "look into that."

She certainly did. As soon as she was within range of the Nextel Customer Service office, the duped women gave them an earful and threatened to sue in between blips and beeps of the phone/walkie talkie. Several other Nextel customers were rallied as well as many former Nextel employees who were disgruntled because their severence package after the merge was sub par. Shit certainly hit the fan when the suit went to Court, and even Chief Nextel officials couldn't sweet talk their way out of the walkie-talkie debacle.

The New Sprint has had minimal comments regarding the whole situation. Since they like their "new snazzy colors" they are afraid to drop the Nextel brand entirely, but selling walkie-talkies certainly isn't something they plan on continuing.

The general public, to be frank, was relieved. Most are fed up with the cell phones that acted like walkie-talkies anyway. "It was a trend that lasted far too long," comented one commuter. "I mean, why would we want our cell phones to work the way walkie-talkies do anyway? It was fun to have those as kids, but it seems silly to be saying 'Roger that' and 'Do you copy?' during my business conference calls."

Several others agreed that the walkie talkie phone was on its way out regardless of the scandal. Having to listen to other people shout into phones/walkie talkies almost caused one woman to have a conniption. In fact, a team of research scientists are currently working on a project that finds a correlation between walkie-talking bleeps on the way to work and the elusive case of the Mondays.

I do not like riding the bus (part 2)

Since a fellow who calls himself Mr. History has decided to express his opinion that there is, in fact, a mode of transportation less cool than the bus, I have been forced to post a rebuttal to his argument.

Mr. History claims that riding the bus is cooler than roller skating. His arguments are (if you missed his comment on the post):
1. Roller skating has become obsolete since the introduction of roller blades.
2. Roller skates look funny because of the toe-stop (in his comment it was referred to the thing that looked like a gum drop)
3. Buses would be infinitely cooler if they were double deckers or trams.

Here are my responses:
1. Yes, roller skates have become lesser known to the young crowd, but all of us who grew up pre-rollerblades know that roller skates are pretty gosh darn cool. They bring to mind discos and shiny things, both of which I consider not only awesome but most importantly cool. Maybe I am biased because my roommate is in Roller derby which requires the use of quad-wheeled skates, and I really think that if they switched over to roller blades the sport would become stupid.
2. The gum drop design of the toe-stop is adorable. If anything, it should make you feel like you are in Candy Land. I am pretty sure no one is uncool in Candy Land.
3. True, if all buses were double deckers then they would be cool. Same goes for trams. However, they are not. The bus I am referring to is the MBTA #80 which sucks.

In conclusion, if I roller skated to work I would be cooler than the people on the bus. Also, please refer to the video clip on the right hand side page to see the #1 reason why roller skates are cooler than the bus. If they are good enough for Miss Piggy to successfully chase down her mugger, they are good enough for me.

I'd say, if anyone wants to make an argument that any mode of transportation is less cool than the bus, probably the only one that would fly is the Mini-van. And even that's a tricky one, because although most mini-vans (aka Mom-vans) are uncool, there is the possibility of a cool mini van (consider the 1970s for examples).

I hate riding the bus

I really don't like riding the bus. Today, while on the bus sitting next to smelly man #7 (bus people don't have names, they go by numbers) I was thinking of all the reasons I didn't like the bus, and although I'd love to bore you with all 117 items I thought of, the main underlying reason I don't like riding the bus is because it is just not cool. It is the least cool of all modes of transportation and it has zero hope of ever gaining cool status. Every single mode of transportation out there is better than the bus. Even a tricyle is cooler than riding the bus.

Think about it, as far as transportation goes, here are your options.

1. Let's start with cars. Even if you have a shitty car, you can make it cool. I drove a piece of shit car all through high school and college and loved it. For like a month (maybe more, let's be realistic) the muffler was broken and I am pretty sure my neighbors hated me as I woke them up at the crack of dawn to get to work, however, it got me where I needed to go and I felt like a rockstar in it even when it would break down. The whole premise of the show Pimp My Ride is to make shitty cars cooler. Have you ever seen a show called Pimp my bus? Hell no. Even what's his face knows he can't pimp a bus.

2. Trains. They are classic. They bring up memories of moving West and classy dining cars. Even public transit trains are fine. I'd rather be broken down on the T sitting next to a smelly drunk than be in the same situation on a bus.

3. Boats. I don't think I need to explain this one. Boats are just cool. Pirates have boats and they are cool. It is the transitive property I think that makes this work. Also, it is the second favorite monopoly piece of most people. (I think the car takes first place on that one. Unless you are me, I always liked the thimble).

[New addition: when I first published this post, I totally disregarded air travel. That was a huge mistake, and I apologize].

3.5 Airplanes. I didn't even think of air travel as a possibility and mainly that is because it is so obviously cool. If you are taking your private jet to work then you must be cool. You know how they always say money doesn't buy happiness? well, they are right. Money buys coolness. Even if you are not an independently rich jet setter, you can still be cool while flying economy class. Even budget airlines like JetBlue are cool. The only place on the plane that is uncool is that last seat next to the bathroom. If you often find yourself sitting in that seat, you might want to give yourself a once over and check for the following: do you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Are your jeans stonewashed? Do you pick your nose in public? If any of the above apply, change your ways my friend, and you will be moving up in the ranks of economy flight travel.

4. Mopeds. Hi. If you haven't met me you might not know I am in love with Vespas. If a Vespa could get me from Boston to CT in less than 6 hours I would be all over it. Also if I lived in a place where winter didn't suck. I'm on the Vespa mailing list and I drool when I see the catalogue every season. If anyone wants to surprise me with a big gift in the near future, I will take a PX 150 in Vintage Green.

5. Motorcycles. Even though I would surely choose a Vespa over a motorcycle any day, let's face it, motorcycles are cool in that scary biker I am going to run you over sort of way.

6. Bicycles. There is this new light weight vintage looking bike that I love, I think it is called the Amsterdam. Anyway, bikes are another classic thing everyone probably had at one point (except maybe Krissy). When you were a kid everyone knew who had the cool bikes. This is probably how cliques got started. My first bike was white with pink flowers and it had a white basket with pink flowers on it and streamers that were (you guessed it) pink. Once when I was riding my bike my wheel came off. I think I was 6. I had to drag it home while running away from the old lady who lived down the street. In retrospect she was probably trying to help me. Hindsight is always 20/20.

7. Your feet. I am a pedestrian. Since I don't have any of the above modes of transportation, I rely on my feet to get me where I am going. This is brilliant for me because I like shoes. I budget my car money for shoes. A normal person would probably save a set amount every month in order to one day buy a car. Not me. I spend my car money on shoes and my insurance money on coats. Needless to say, I have a lot of shoes and coats (hence item number 5 on my to-do list).

8. Finally, we are at the bus. The epitome of uncool. Even when you were a kid you knew that there was only one part of the bus that was cool. That was in the back. You know why that was the coolest place to sit? Not because when you hit a bump you'd fly up and knock your head on the ceiling. No no. It was, in fact, because in case of an emergency you had to jump out the back. No cool kid ever wants to be caught dead in a bus. Literally.

I think I made my point here. New goal, find a job that doesn't require me to take the bus to work. Or, more likely, take the T to work instead.