I hate riding the bus

I really don't like riding the bus. Today, while on the bus sitting next to smelly man #7 (bus people don't have names, they go by numbers) I was thinking of all the reasons I didn't like the bus, and although I'd love to bore you with all 117 items I thought of, the main underlying reason I don't like riding the bus is because it is just not cool. It is the least cool of all modes of transportation and it has zero hope of ever gaining cool status. Every single mode of transportation out there is better than the bus. Even a tricyle is cooler than riding the bus.

Think about it, as far as transportation goes, here are your options.

1. Let's start with cars. Even if you have a shitty car, you can make it cool. I drove a piece of shit car all through high school and college and loved it. For like a month (maybe more, let's be realistic) the muffler was broken and I am pretty sure my neighbors hated me as I woke them up at the crack of dawn to get to work, however, it got me where I needed to go and I felt like a rockstar in it even when it would break down. The whole premise of the show Pimp My Ride is to make shitty cars cooler. Have you ever seen a show called Pimp my bus? Hell no. Even what's his face knows he can't pimp a bus.

2. Trains. They are classic. They bring up memories of moving West and classy dining cars. Even public transit trains are fine. I'd rather be broken down on the T sitting next to a smelly drunk than be in the same situation on a bus.

3. Boats. I don't think I need to explain this one. Boats are just cool. Pirates have boats and they are cool. It is the transitive property I think that makes this work. Also, it is the second favorite monopoly piece of most people. (I think the car takes first place on that one. Unless you are me, I always liked the thimble).

[New addition: when I first published this post, I totally disregarded air travel. That was a huge mistake, and I apologize].

3.5 Airplanes. I didn't even think of air travel as a possibility and mainly that is because it is so obviously cool. If you are taking your private jet to work then you must be cool. You know how they always say money doesn't buy happiness? well, they are right. Money buys coolness. Even if you are not an independently rich jet setter, you can still be cool while flying economy class. Even budget airlines like JetBlue are cool. The only place on the plane that is uncool is that last seat next to the bathroom. If you often find yourself sitting in that seat, you might want to give yourself a once over and check for the following: do you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Are your jeans stonewashed? Do you pick your nose in public? If any of the above apply, change your ways my friend, and you will be moving up in the ranks of economy flight travel.

4. Mopeds. Hi. If you haven't met me you might not know I am in love with Vespas. If a Vespa could get me from Boston to CT in less than 6 hours I would be all over it. Also if I lived in a place where winter didn't suck. I'm on the Vespa mailing list and I drool when I see the catalogue every season. If anyone wants to surprise me with a big gift in the near future, I will take a PX 150 in Vintage Green.

5. Motorcycles. Even though I would surely choose a Vespa over a motorcycle any day, let's face it, motorcycles are cool in that scary biker I am going to run you over sort of way.

6. Bicycles. There is this new light weight vintage looking bike that I love, I think it is called the Amsterdam. Anyway, bikes are another classic thing everyone probably had at one point (except maybe Krissy). When you were a kid everyone knew who had the cool bikes. This is probably how cliques got started. My first bike was white with pink flowers and it had a white basket with pink flowers on it and streamers that were (you guessed it) pink. Once when I was riding my bike my wheel came off. I think I was 6. I had to drag it home while running away from the old lady who lived down the street. In retrospect she was probably trying to help me. Hindsight is always 20/20.

7. Your feet. I am a pedestrian. Since I don't have any of the above modes of transportation, I rely on my feet to get me where I am going. This is brilliant for me because I like shoes. I budget my car money for shoes. A normal person would probably save a set amount every month in order to one day buy a car. Not me. I spend my car money on shoes and my insurance money on coats. Needless to say, I have a lot of shoes and coats (hence item number 5 on my to-do list).

8. Finally, we are at the bus. The epitome of uncool. Even when you were a kid you knew that there was only one part of the bus that was cool. That was in the back. You know why that was the coolest place to sit? Not because when you hit a bump you'd fly up and knock your head on the ceiling. No no. It was, in fact, because in case of an emergency you had to jump out the back. No cool kid ever wants to be caught dead in a bus. Literally.

I think I made my point here. New goal, find a job that doesn't require me to take the bus to work. Or, more likely, take the T to work instead.