The Onion

Even though I shouldn't be bored at work because I have about a million things to get done this week, I have started reading the Onion, aka my favorite online fake news source. Unfortunately for me, I am a fast reader and run out of Onion to read pretty quickly, so unfortunately for you I have started writing my own fake news in my head to pass the time which will now be transcribed on this post. Dum dum dum:

Elevator phenomenon occurs at EF Education

Cambridge, MA- At promptly 5:30 PM daily at One Education Street, a miracle happens: the three, typically out-of-order elevators are suddenly able to hold hundreds of people at one time. Normally, the jerry-built elevators of the EF building have a limit of 10 people or 1870 lbs, but for some reason when the clock strikes the end of the day, more and more people can pack into the elevators at every floor.

"It's odd," says one Customer Service Staff member whose desk is located on floor nine, "In order to get a spot in the elevator previously to this phenomenon we'd all have to go up one level to floor ten, just to ride it down to ground. Now, when the elevator comes down from 10 to 9, there seems to be an infinite amount of space available, irregardless to the fact that it should have exceeded its capacity by that point."

Even the 10th floor elevator hogs are shocked by this inexplicable event that keeps repeating itself day by day. "We used to enjoy laughing at the HULT kids with their big hair and funny clothes when they failed to get a spot on the elevator by the time it hit floor 5. Now, however, the international business students can easily fit. All of a sudden, the floor ten staffers are the odd ones out as conversations start up in seven different languages."

Everyone has a different theory as to why this is happening. Some say that it is due to the fact that the space and time continuum stops between 5:30 and 5:40 PM, thus defying all logic and reality. Others believe it is because so many are out on summer vacation, have quit, or have moved to Denver. Still more believe it is because EF has opened a branch of Weight Watchers in the building and the success of the program has resulted in smaller people. The last theory, however, has been shot down by one HULT student who accidentally signed up for his MBA thinking it would give him a degree in advanced arithmetic. He retorted, "The claim that EF staff members are suddenly smaller just doesn't make sense. If the weight limit of the elevator is 1870 lbs, that means if 100 people were to fit then average weight would be 18.7 lbs, which is a ridiculous number for a full grown person."

Although it appears there is no explanation to this phenomenom, it is indeed true. Both of the front desk security regulators who are on duty at 5:30 PM, Henry and the grumpy old white haired man, have individually and seperately reported "an uncountable number of people" streaming out of those elevator doors when it hits the ground. Even Front Desk Girl admitted that she couldn't "count as high as the number of EF staffers" that can fit in one elevator on a weekday evening.

This phenomenon, however, only works in one direction- on the way down. Between 9 and 9:30 AM, the maximum number of EF staff that can fit in an elevator going up is about 5 people, or a weight limit of 678 lbs.